No one in the world should make you feel safer than yourpartner. If you’re sick in bed with a fever, they should be the one bringing you hot soup and making sure that you’re drinking enough fluids. If you’re celebrating a huge promotion atwork, your spouse should be the first one congratulating you with flowers and telling you how proud they are.
But one woman realized, after 7 months of being a parent, that she’s received absolutely no support from herhusband. Now, she’s reaching out for advice online and asking others what to do about her spouse’s behavior. Below, you’ll find thefull story, as well as a conversation with Dr. Kathy McMahon, S*x Therapist and President and Founder ofCouples Therapy Inc.
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This new mom is struggling to keep her head above water while receiving no support from her husband
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And after an explosive fight, she finally decided to reach out to the internet for advice
Image credits:nanihta / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits:ellie9236
“His resentment and anger towards her speaks to the extent to which he is an utterly lost soul”
It’s natural for a couple’s relationship to undergo changes after having a child, but it’s certainly not normal or healthy to feel unsafe around your partner.
So to learn more about this situation, we got in touch withDr. Kathy McMahon, S*x Therapist and President and Founder ofCouples Therapy Inc. Dr. McMahon was kind enough to have a chat withBored Pandaand share her thoughts on this situation.
“Sometimes people act badly. They act very badly. The most important thing is not the poor behavior but the remorse they express afterward,” the relationship expert said. “This is the difference between an abuser and a stressed out husband. I heard a lot of details about this careful woman’s life up to the a*****t, and then it stopped.”
“But in real life, of course, it never stopped. He either continued to rage or he woke up from his violent behavior and vowed to change,” she explained. “Everyone gets a second chance for very bad behavior when they realize it for what it is: a regrettable incident that won’t happen again.”
In fact, she noted that this husband would likely protect his wife from this horrible behavior if someone else did it to her “because this is a natural instinct: to protect the ones we love.”
But in this case, the therapist says, “The dad is cut off from this deep, core issue: to preserve and protect his future. His resentment and anger go so deeply that he feels no compassion for his wife’s predicament, for her attempt to even care for herself.”
“And her reaction to her helper also speaks to internalized shame. She wants to hide her husband’s soulless behavior, as if it is somehow a reflection on her,” the expert continued. “This is what suggests that she has already been in an abusive relationship for a while, instead of a regrettable incident.”
Sadly, the therapist says it isn’t unusual for someone living in a coercive relationship to try to control everything around them because they can’t control the hostility that surrounds her. “But they also have to ‘share’ the work they do with their abuser, even if he does little to none of it,” she noted.
“[This mother] needs a plan to create her community, and if she already has one, she needs to sound the alarm that she needs them”
Unfortunately, the therapist says men like this often impregnate their wives to tie them down. “They often urge them to quit their jobs to become financially dependent,” Dr. McMahon shared. “And my clinical experience is that these wives are trauma bonded to these men, accepting their negative opinions while at the same time loudly protesting (as they should) the abuse. It typically starts so early in the relationship that it becomes utterly “normal” in its abnormality.”
“But couples who have had violence also experience shame and regret at their behavior,” the expert pointed out. “We call that ‘situational violence’ and, fortunately, it is80% of the IPVout there. The other 20% is the toxic kind, and 45% of these aren’t physically violent. They are corrosive.”
“If it is a coercively controlling relationship, she can look this term up and understand that this is what it is,” the expert added. “These relationships are very similar. There is no compassion and the words, the contempt and hostility eat everyone in the family from the inside out. Especially the babies.”
Readers warned the mother that she’s in a dangerous situation, and many encouraged her to get out as soon as she can
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