When you getmarried, you agree to support your spouse through thick and thin. Every day won’t be easy, but your love and commitment should be enough to get you through tough times. In fact, facingadversitycan sometimes bring you even closer together!
But some issues are just too big to overlook, and one man is wondering if his marriage will be able to survive the stress it’s been under. Below, you’ll find a story that wassharedon the Relationship Advice subreddit, where a man detailed the nightmare he’s been experiencing since his wife got sued for harassing her former best friend. Keep reading to learn all of the details and to find a conversation with President and Founder ofCouples Therapy Inc., Dr. Kathy McMahon.
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Spouses are always supposed to have each other’s backs
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But when this man had to drain his savings to get his wife out of legal trouble, he began to wonder if their marriage was salvageable
Image credits:Yan Krukau (not the actual photo)
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Later, the husband shared a detailed update on the situation and responded to some of the most common questions he received
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“If your wife were truly remorseful, you wouldn’t be the one stressing that she needs to work more to make up for what she’s done”
Image credits:Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
To gain more insight into this complicated situation, we got in touch with Dr. Kathy McMahon, President and Founder ofCouples Therapy Inc., who was kind enough to respond to the husband’s concerns.
“You are resentful because your wife did a very destructive thing and feels no remorse. You focus on your resentment about having to pay money for her destructive actions. Still, I am guessing that you are resentful because she has put you in an untenable situation,” Dr. McMahon toldBored Panda.
“It is clear that you love your wife, but you no longer trust her. You want her to be the type of person who can accept responsibility for her actions, but she either can’t or won’t. As a result, you are stuck married to a person you can’t trust,” the expert explained. “In fact, you fear her. You believe she is capable of doing this again, even to you, because she hasn’t accepted any true ownership of her actions.”
“Money comes and goes. It is the legal system’s way of punishing people who do bad things. In this case, you are being punished because you are associated with her. Her wrong actions reflect on you,” the therapist continued. “If your wife were truly remorseful of what she did to Laura, herself, and yourself, you wouldn’t be the one stressing that she needs to work more to make up for what she’s done. Or that she needs help. Or that the marriage needs help. That’s your issue, not, unfortunately, hers.”
Dr. McMahon noted that a responsible person would recognize that nothing someone did years ago would warrant what this woman did to Laura. “She would feel genuine remorse. She would feel bad that she put you in that situation and apologize to Laura and to you. It was all senseless and unnecessary, and the only one to blame for it was her,” she explained. “That’s how a responsible person would react to their own inexplicable behavior. But she has an explanation for it. She feels justified in her actions.”
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“Couples therapy is for motivated couples to work on their relationship mutually; but this isn’t a ‘couples’ issue”
“Therefore, you realize that your wife is not a responsible person. She can’t accept responsibility for her actions and the damage she’s done, and she doesn’t want to go to therapy to examine herself more carefully. She wants you to move on,” the therapist says, noting that it’s natural to feel scared and resentful given the situation.
“Scared that someone you thought you knew and loved was capable of that. And capable of repeating that very action. If you feel no remorse, it’s likely because you can’t see what you did was wrong,” Dr. McMahon says.
“And you feel resentful. Resentful that she accepts no responsibility, even though you have repeatedly pushed the issue. She doesn’t feel she did anything wrong and fears someone else (like a therapist) might disagree. Hey, even a court’s ruling hasn’t convinced her. You are unlikely to,” she pointed out.
Unfortunately, the expert noted that thecoupleis likely beyond help from therapy at this point. “As a psychologist, I specialize in helping troubled couples. Couples therapy is for motivated couples to work on their relationship mutually. But this isn’t a ‘couples’ issue. It impacts you, pains you, and upsets you, but the problem is a ‘garlic’ problem, not an ‘onion’ problem,” she shared.
“She may do the same to you if you divorce her; you have to make that possibility acceptable if you decide to go that route”
Image credits:Tirachard Kumtanom (not the actual photo)
“You can realize she may do the same to you if youdivorceher. You have to make that possibility acceptable if you decide to go that route,” Dr. McMahon added. “People stay married to drug-addicted people, unfaithful people, or chronically lying people. That is their choice. And it is your choice to stay with a woman you resent and fear who has no conscience. That’s your adult choice.”
The therapist strongly recommends that the husband give up his quest to make his wife’s “garlic” problem into an “onion” problem. “That’s a fool’s errand. Instead, seek out your own psychotherapy because this issue is profoundly upsetting you (as it should),” she noted. “Explain the situation and the dilemma you face to a therapist: ‘How do I make this alright with me when I don’t feel it IS right?’ Then, you could explore the answer until you understand yourself better.”
And while therapy can certainly be expensive in the United States, Dr. McMahon noted that health insurance covers mental health with the price of a co-pay. “Public community mental health centers also care for those with little or no income,” she added. “With some digging, you can find a trained professional you can afford. It’s an effort well worth making for yourself.”
“And let your inlaws know that you are saving their generous offer to pay for their daughter’s therapy if she ever decides to go. But don’t hold your breath,” she added.
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