When thefamilymember who held everyone like glue passes away, all sorts of conflict tend to arise. One that many might not think about is disagreeing on how the person’s ashes will be shared. While this might sound strange, the rise of people who choose to becrematedis closely tied to the rise of such family disputes.

Scroll down to find the full story and a conversation with Adam Binstock, a funeral, cremation, and memorial expert and founder ofthe Cremation Institute, Caleb Klein, a licensed funeral director and funeral celebrancy expert atLoving Ceremony, andMallory Greene, co-founder and CEO ofEirene, an innovative funeral services company, who kindly agreed to tell us more about sharing loved one’s ashes.

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After a family member passes, one conflict that might unexpectedly arise is how to share their ashes

Man in plaid shirt gesturing in a kitchen, confronting a woman.

Image credits:Iakobchuk / Envato (not the actual photo)

These siblings also ran into this question, but one of them refused to split mom’s remains with the other

Two people holding an urn, symbolizing family tensions over mother’s ashes.

Image credits:LightFieldStudios / Envato (not the actual photo)

Image credits:New_Imagination1109

Nowadays, around 60% of people choose to be cremated

Person holding a rose beside a table with an urn and candles, symbolizing conflict over ashes with a hateful wife.

Image credits:syda_productions / Freepik (not the actual photo)

Unfortunately, the rise of people who choose to be cremated poses quite a unique problem—family members are increasingly getting involved in disputes about sharing the person’s remains. In fact,Witan Solicitorsreport that a fifth of all funeral conflicts are related to where the deceased ashes or body will go.

Caleb Klein, a licensed funeral director and funeral celebrancy expert atLoving Ceremony, says that typically the right to an individual’s cremated remains follows the legal next-of-kin hierarchy. “In the simplest form, whoever has the legal authority to make funeral arrangements—a spouse, adult child, or other designated executor—is the person who makes the decision about who will receive the cremated remains after cremation. It is worth noting that a person’s written wishes in a will or pre-arrangements should be honored, whenever possible,” he noted.

It’s also perfectly fine to share the ashes amongst the people the late was very close with. “If, for example, a parent passes away and there’s a number of children, the ashes are commonly shared evenly amongst them. This can also extend on occasions to other family members or even friends, if the deceased was very close to them. Sometimes the person in charge will use a portion of the ashes to create a series of memorials like keepsake urns or jewelry pieces for family members,” told Adam Binstock, a funeral, cremation, and memorial expert and founder ofthe Cremation Institute, toBored Panda.

“There are no universal legal restrictions against this, but cultural, religious, or personal beliefs may influence whether it’s considered appropriate,” addsMallory Greene, co-founder and CEO ofEirene, an innovative funeral services company.

“If a religion supports cremation, it is usually acceptable to divide cremated remains, however the Catholic church offers guidelines that prohibit the separation of cremated remains. Communication is important, making sure to have an open discussion among key family members to ensure all are comfortable with the decision,” additionally notes Klein.

“Disputes over ashes can be emotionally charged, often stemming from differing beliefs and personal connections”

Couple arguing in a living room with a third person taking notes, expressing family tension over mother’s ashes.

Image credits:zinkevych / Freepik (not the actual photo)

If someone is unhappy with the decision to split loved one’s ashes, Binstock suggests that to resolve the dispute, sincerity and respect are the best solutions. “Don’t go into the conversation in a confrontational or judgmental way. Explain to them what the person meant to you and why you want a portion of their ashes to remember them will go a long way. I would also explain what you intend to do with the ashes, like spread them or infuse them in a memorial ring.”

Meanwhile, Greene says, “Disputes over ashes can be emotionally charged, often stemming from differing beliefs, personal connections, or unclear directives from the deceased. The best approach is open communication and compromise. If disagreements persist, mediation with afuneraldirector, religious leader, or legal professional may help. In extreme cases, courts can intervene, though this is a last resort. To avoid conflict, pre-planning and clearly documented wishes are ideal.”

“To help alleviate fractures between surviving family, sharing portions of the cremated remains or incorporating them into other memorial options like glass art or as part of a memorial tree planting may help,” adds Klein.

“One thing I would always encourage people to keep in mind is that cremated remains represent much more than just physical remains—they hold a deepemotionalor symbolic meaning. Whatever disposition is decided upon, those choices should reflect love, respect, and honor the unique life that was lived. Take the time to make thoughtful decisions that will ensure all involved are part of creating a lasting, meaningful tribute to their loved one,” he concludes.

Reddit discussion about attending a funeral, highlighting family conflict over mother’s ashes.

Reddit comment thread discussing a mom wanting her son’s care while alive.

Some readers believed the sibling was right to deny brother of their mom’s ashes

Reddit comment discussing a brother’s choice and treatment towards their mother.

Reddit comment discussing a man and his unkind wife not receiving his mother’s ashes.

Text comment about family dynamics regarding mom’s ashes, mentioning the brother and sister-in-law.

Comment on brother and ashes, discussing respect for deceased mother’s wishes.

Reddit comment about a guy not giving mom’s ashes to his brother and sister-in-law who stopped visiting.

Reddit comment suggests adding mom’s ashes to father’s plot, removing responsibility.

A Reddit comment criticizing a person’s decision regarding family and loyalty.

Online comment discussing a man and his wife’s absence during mother’s final days and not receiving ashes.

Reddit post discussing family estrangement, lack of visits, and mother’s ashes.

Reddit thread discussing a family conflict about sharing mother’s ashes, addressing feelings towards brother’s wife.

Reddit comment criticizing a guy and his hateful wife for not visiting their mother before her death.

Reddit comment about a brother neglecting his mother and not deserving her ashes.

Comment discussing a troublesome wife posting about private family issues.

A humorous Reddit comment about gathering ashes from a park grill, referencing a family dispute.

Wile others had the opposite opinion

Reddit comment discussing division of mother’s ashes, criticizing a brother and wife for pre and post-death behavior.

Reddit comment questioning the pettiness over ashes in a family dispute.

Text screenshot discussing guy’s actions regarding mother’s ashes and judgment.

Reddit comment discussing a man not receiving his mother’s ashes due to family conflict.

Reddit comment discussing ashes and family tensions over distribution.

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