Coupleswho laugh together stay together. But if one person is laughing at the other, is it really love?
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Couples who tease each other are happier, but only if they laugh together
We often say we want a partner with a great sense of humor. But while humor is subjective to some extent, many seem to appreciate those who know how to engage in witty banter.
In fact, researchers Kay Brauer and René Proyer from Martin Luther University of Halle-Wittenberg in Germany found that playful teasing can strengthen relationships—ifboth partners are on board.
As part of theirstudy, 154 heterosexual couples answered questions about their relationship satisfaction and their attitudes toward humor: whether they feared being laughed at, enjoyed playful teasing, or liked makingjokesat another’s expense.
Their findings revealed that a fear of being laughed at was linked to lowerrelationship happiness, and for women, it even impacted their partner’s sexual satisfaction. Meanwhile, couples who engaged in lighthearted teasing felt more connected, and women in these relationships reported higher intimacy and attraction, with their partners experiencing greater closeness as well.
But not all humor lands the same way. Those who enjoyed laughing at their partners rather than with them had more conflicts and disagreements. Another key takeaway was that couples tended to have similar attitudes toward humor, and when those attitudes aligned, they were more satisfied in their relationships.
In other words, mutual teasing can be a sign of trust and happiness, but when one person doesn’t enjoy it the same way, it can slowly wear down the relationship.
Where’s the line between teasing and being mean?
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People who don’t realize their humor can be hurtful often argue that others simply “can’t take a joke.” But where exactly is the line between playful teasing and being mean? And how can someone tell when they’ve crossed it?
Advanced Imago couples therapistShan Merchantexplains that for some couples, gentle teasing can be a form of connection. It creates a sense of fun, lightheartedness, and even flirtation. However, this only works when both partners feel safe and understand that the teasing comes from a place of love.
“The secret sauce to this is attunement,” she tellsBored Panda. “This is the art of reading your partner; watching their face, their body language, and their energy, how they respond in the moment.”
According to Merchant, teasing stops being playful the moment it touches on something sensitive—something a partner already feels self-conscious about. “If they’ve shared with you that a certain topic is painful, and you joke about it anyway, that’s not teasing anymore, that’s dismissing,” she says. “Dismissing chips away at emotional safety, which is crucial to the health of all relationships.”
It ultimately comes down to how the joke lands. If you’re unsure whether you’ve crossed the line, Merchant suggests paying attention to your partner’s reaction. Do they laugh and feel closer to you afterward, or do they look uncomfortable, go quiet, or seem hurt?
“If you’ve hurt them—intentionally or not—what matters is whether you care enough to take them seriously, to listen, and to adjust,” says Merchant. “Loving your partner isn’t pushing past their vulnerability, it’s holding it with care and respect.”
Ignoring a partner’s repeated requests to stop doing something hurtful is, at its core, a sign of disregard for their feelings. The specific words said may not even be the biggest problem anymore—what matters is whether a person shows they can listen and care. “When these things are missing, you start to feel unseen, unheard, and unimportant,” Merchant notes.
So how should couples communicate when something bothers them?
But if the message is clear and the partner still refuses to take it seriously, that’s a red flag.
“If your partner consistently dismisses your feelings or keeps crossing a boundary you’ve clearly set, for me it raises some real questions about how much mutual respect and care is there,” Merchant warns.
“At the end of the day, it’s not about being ‘too sensitive’ or ‘overreacting.’ It’s about whether you both feel safe and valued in the relationship.”
Readers took her side, telling her she’s not the problem and should walk away instead of just hitting pause
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