Invasive in-laws are nothing new; many a woman might tell you that herMILis just a little bit too involved in her son’s life. In fact, 60% of womensaythat their relationship with their mother-in-law causes them unhappiness.
But this woman had previous experience of her MIL making it all about her. So, when she found out that she waspregnant, she chose to keep it a secret both from her husband and his mother. Knowing that this is far from ideal, the woman decidedto seeksome advice online.
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A woman decided to hide her pregnancy from her husband in fear of his mother hijacking all the happiness
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Experts call family relationships where there is a lack of boundaries “enmeshed relationships”
People took issue with how the husband seemed to consistently prioritize his mother and her feelings over those of his wife. “So your husband went off to go comfort his mother outside while you were crying over your miscarriage,” one Redditor wrote. “Seems like he will always have his priority be his mom.”
Cases where adult children are in dysfunctional relationships with their parents are often referred to as enmeshed relationships. Mother-son enmeshment in particular is a term used to describe relationships between adult sons and mothers who have a relationship where boundaries are blurry.
Enmeshed family relationships generally are those wherefamily membersbecome codependent. “Family members who are enmeshed often do not respect boundaries and expect to have a vote on family members’ decisions,”Kimberly Perlin, a licensed clinical social worker,explains. “They can expect to dictate their adult children’s career, parenting decisions, romantic relationships, or social media posts.”
Mother-son enmeshment usually happens because of the mom’s unmet needs, anxiety, or the son’s difficulty with independence. Kristie Plantinga, MA,writesthat this isn’t anybody’s fault. “It’s a dynamic that develops over time,” she claims. With time and effort, individuals can create healthier boundaries and a more balanced relationship.
Mothers and sons can have a close relationship without enmeshment
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Plantinga also elaborates on what people often mistake for mother-son enmeshment. According to her, talking often and spending a lot of time together don’t necessarily mean a mother and an adult son are in a dysfunctional relationship. “Open communication and shared activities are important in any healthy relationship,” she writes.
The same goes for supporting one another and having each other’s back. According to Plantinga, it’s okay as long as it’s not one-sided and controlling. Deep emotional connection also doesn’t always equal enmeshment. A mother and her adult son can have a close relationship as each individual is able to regulate their emotions without the other’s input.
Lending a helping hand is also normal in healthy family relationships. “Occasional assistance strengthens family bonds,” according to Plantinga. Generally, both individuals should have their separate interests and lives and be able to make decisions without the other.
Moving away from an enmeshed relationship can be a hard and long process. First, it’s important to recognize the problem. Manyadult childrenin enmeshed relationships don’t realize they’re in one. It’s important to do some self-reflection and recognize your behavioral patterns.
It’s always good to have a mediator present when this conversation happens, amental healthprofessional, preferably. In extreme cases, when the other individual doesn’t want to change, experts even recommend ending the relationship.
People didn’t think she was a bad person, but urged her to take some serious action
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