Lots of people lovesurprises. Coming home to find that your partner has made your favorite meal for dinner or seeing a bouquet of flowers waiting for you on your desk inthe officecan feel like a magical moment.
But not all surprises are welcomed. One woman recentlyshareda story on Reddit detailing how she managed to secretly move out of the home she shared with her ex while he was away at work. Below, you’ll find the full story, as well as conversations with the author of this post andDr. Ruth Ann Harpur.
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This woman and her ex agreed on a date when she would move out of their home
Image credits:Prostock-studio (not the actual photo)
Image credits:demopicture (not the actual photo)
“My ‘revenge’ was certainly petty but definitely not harmful”
To learn more about this situation, we reached out to the author, Reddit user. She was kind enough to have a chat withBored Pandaand explain what inspired her to share this story now.
“This happened over 18 years ago,” she revealed. “It was the safest, least dramatic way for me to exit, actually. I really felt that it was necessary to move without him hanging over my shoulder.”
The author noted that she shares a child with her ex, so she has seen him many times since. But thankfully, their relationship is much healthier today. “Now, many years later, we are actually amicable,” she added.
Image credits:s_kawee (not the actual photo)
“Careful safety planning is essential when leaving a controlling relationship”
To find out how to get out of them, we were lucky enough to get in touch withDr. Ruth Ann Harpur.
“Leaving anyrelationshipis difficult because we form strong emotional bonds with those closest to us. In toxic relationships, it can be even harder because they systematically erode self-esteem and self-confidence, making it easy to doubt your ability to manage on your own,” the expert shared. “Financial control and ab**e can also make it extremely difficult to secure alternative accommodation or resources.”
“More importantly, research consistently shows that coercive control – including financial control, isolation, and surveillance – is one of the strongest predictors of escalating violence, including [taking someone’s life],” Dr. Harpur continued. “Studies of domestic h**es in the UK have found that extreme control, rather than physical violence alone, is often a precursor to mr. This is why careful safety planning is essential when leaving a controlling relationship, as the risk of violence often increases at the point of separation.”
So is it a good idea to move out while a toxic partner is not home?
“In some cases, leaving while a controlling or ab****e partner is away can be the safest option,” Dr. Harpur says. “However, the key factor is safety. If the partner has ahistoryof violence or volatility or controlling behavior, planning an exit carefully is crucial.”
The expert strongly recommends consulting organizations that specialize in DV support and, if necessary, the police to develop a plan. “This might involve securing emergency accommodation, leaving the area, alerting trusted friends or family, and ensuring financial stability,” she noted.
“Research suggests that the most dangerous time in an ab****e relationship is when the victim leaves, so my advice would be to take things seriously, avoid unnecessary conflict, and get professional support to ensure the safest possible exit,” Dr. Harpur shared.
Image credits:azenphoto (not the actual photo)
“[It] isn’t just about escape; it’s about reclaiming your autonomy, rebuilding your self-worth, and moving towards something better”
We also asked the expert what victims should know once they’ve left atoxic relationship. “There are no hard and fast rules, but I always encourage people to ask: Why am I maintaining contact? If it’s necessary due to co-parenting, joint finances, or legal matters, keeping communication minimal and transactional is best,” she told Bored Panda.
“It’s also important to be aware of post-separation ab**e, which can take many forms, including stalking, harassment, financial control, legal threats, and manipulation through children,” Dr. Harpur warns. “Some controlling ex-partners become more dangerous after the breakup, using any means available to regain power.”
“Because of this, ongoing support is crucial. I strongly encourage people to seek advice from domestic ab**e organizations such asWomen’s Aid, use protective measures (such as a non-molestation order if necessary), and lean on friends, family, and professional support networks,” she continued.
Dr. Harpur says that it’s vital to focus on rebuilding self-esteem, reconnecting with supportive people, and rediscovering personal interests after leaving a relationship like this. “It’s common for people to feel nostalgic and second-guess their decision, especially if single life feels overwhelming at first,” she warns. “In those moments, remember why you left and stay grounded in reality.”
“One of the biggest pitfalls is getting stuck in the past, analyzing the relationship endlessly or seeking ‘closure’ from someone who was never capable of giving it,” the expert added. “True closure comes from moving forward—not from trying to make sense of the wreckage.”
Finally, Dr. Harpur says, “At the end of the day, the best ‘revenge’ isn’t about taking the mattress or leaving without toilet paper—it’s about building a life that feels good, on your terms, without looking back. Leaving a toxic relationship isn’t just about escape; it’s about reclaiming your autonomy, rebuilding your self-worth, and moving towards something better.”
Many also applauded her for walking away from the relationship, and some shared similar stories of petty revenge
Thanks! Check out the results:Mantas Kačerauskas
Monika Pašukonytė
Eligijus Sinkunas
Relationships
