There’s a line of thinking that says healthyrelationshipsaren’t 50/50—instead, they’re 100/100, meaning that both partners bring their A game, and whenever one is lacking the energy or will, their combined effort will still be enough.
In a post on ‘Am I the [Jerk]?‘, he recalled a time when his mother came over for dinner and harshly critiqued her daughter-in-law’s cooking skills. Since he agreed with the underlying message, the man didn’t step in to defend his spouse, and that is the main reason why his wife got mad at him.
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This man married his partner knowing that she couldn’t cook
Image credits:Kampus Production / Pexels (not the actual photo)
And it has eventually led to frustration and tension in their relationship
Image credits:Marcus Aurelius / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits:Yan Krukau / Pexels (not the actual photo)
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Image credits:Ivan Samkov / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Our wants and needs change together with us, and it’s important to be able to talk everything out with your partner and create compromises that work for both
Some people who read the story said that it’s a vivid example ofweaponized incompetence, a phenomenon that occurs when an individual, consciously or not, demonstrates helplessness in order to avoid certain responsibilities, resulting in others stepping in and doing the tasks for them.
But she added that isn’t always the case. “It doesn’t always come from a bad place. It can stem from a lack of confidence orself-esteem; they may genuinely believe that they’re unable to perform those actions or tasks.”
And judging from the man’s post, he was aware of his wife’s cooking skills even before marrying her.
However, according to Bob Taibbi, L.C.S.W., who has five decades of clinical experience, compatibility is an ever-moving target because what’s important to us now in a relationship may be very different than what it was five or ten years ago. Time passes, we grow, and our personalities as well as our schedules change together with us.
Most importantly, the relationship should feel balanced and couples ought to be able to have productive problem-solving conversations.
“If you don’t feel safe to say how you feel but are always walking on eggshells and anxious, or are always giving in because you don’t want to upset your partner, you never get what you need because your needs are never voiced; you’re running on fear and ultimately not solving problems,” Taibbiwrote.
And not feeling safe creates an imbalance where the other person’s needs and wants dominate the relationship, or where you feel like you’re always initiating, reaching out, and doing the emotional and practical heavy lifting. “Instead, you want a more equal relationship where you both feel that the other person has your back, that your happiness and needs are just as important as theirs, that your problems are taken seriously rather than minimized or dismissed, and where they are willing to step up and do as much as you.”
Whether or not this Redditor and his wife will be able to stop their arguments that keep circling back after the dust settles and create a win-win compromise might very well determine their future together.
The reactions to the story were mixed; some people said the man did nothing wrong
Some claimed everyone involved should have more empathy for one another
And some believe the husband is responsible for causing the tension
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