Attitudes towards weddings can differ, but most people can probably agree that it’s ultimately down to the wishes (and budget) of the happy couple. From a quick stop at a courthouse to a multiday, destination affair, the ceremony and afterparty can be as varied as snowflakes in an avalanche. But there are people who see it less as two people starting to share a life and more as a party with a specific aesthetic.
A woman and her fiancé wondered if they were being ”selfish” for not wanting to comply with his possibly dying sister’s “last wishes,” which would completely change their wedding. Instead of accepting the answer, intense family drama ensued, so theyturned to the internetfor advice.
Everyone has their ideal wedding in their head
Image credits:Ivan Samkov (not the actual photo)
But one couple got chewed out for not dedicating half of their ceremony to the groom’s sister
Image credits:SHVETS production (not the actual photo)
Image credits:RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
Image credits:Last_Interaction_762
Weddings and the industry around them often end up creating a lot of problems
OP and her husband-to-be’s decision to exclude the sister from having a wedding-within-a-wedding might actually be a blessing in disguise. While we do not know the exact details, OP suggests that her diagnosis is not terminal and, despite no doubt a lot of struggles, she will probably recover. Should she actually get married in the future, as a person who values the ceremony so highly, it might cheapen the “real thing.” It’s also not important to shy away from reality, the wedding industry, as it were, has a lot of real, negative effects, particularly on women. Many brides-to-bedevelop eating disordersas the fear of not fitting into the generally expensive dress makes them overthink nutrition.
The cost of the dress is just one subset of the huge expenses many couples go through to have the ceremony they want. OP did already indicate that they needed some help covering the costs, as wedding expenses are often inflated because companies know, what are people going to do, not get married? In 2017, when basically everything was cheaper, the median wedding cost in the USwas already $30’000, a massive, massive sum, for what is a party and an hour or two at a venue. The best solution to not spend five figures on a fake wedding for a child would simply be to have a separate, wedding-themed party for her. There is no reason they can’t rent a dress and have a fake walking down the aisle at a party.
Setting aside the monetary costs, it’s important to understand that a wedding isn’t just about visuals. While that might seem obvious, many couples who do not have the most solid relationships willtry to use a weddingas an alternative to breaking up or fixing their relationship. Thinking about a wedding, while stressful,can be a coping mechanismfor avoiding thoughts of one’s failing romance. Indeed, there is a certain correlation between splurging on a wedding and then, promptly, getting a divorce afterward. It’s no secret that in the US, half of all marriagesend in divorce, as putting together a big party is still easier than solid, open communication and maintaining a relationship. From this perspective, OP’s actions are perhaps also justified, as this can be a crash course for the sister regarding the true reasons a couple gets married, as, spoiler alert, it’s not really about the ceremony.
Image credits:Oana Lupescu (not the actual photo)
The fiancé’s parents set themselves up for failure
The other, fringe, life lesson the sister may have learned, had her plan gotten the go-ahead, is that in most cases, the woman willend up doing the majority of planning. While at first, she might enjoy this new experience, the people who actually like managing projects are quite few and far between, particularly when one realizes that they will have to compromise with others, that budget constraints do exist, and that you will be blamed when things don’t always go as planned. It will also reveal the old marriage trap, where the bride has her dream wedding, so she refuses to allow anyone to help her to “maintain” her vision, then, inevitably, gets burnt out and ends up entering a marriage with a backlog of resentment.
Of course, it’s not OP’s job to create elaborate life lessons for her future sister-in-law. She and her partner were correct to set boundaries and stick to them. The parents shouting at them was unacceptable, particularly when there were better options available. As mentioned before, they could have thrown a wedding-themed party for the sister, which could actually give her more control over the whole “ceremony,” instead of sharing a compromised, quasi-double wedding that would end up leaving everyone dissatisfied. Of course, one can’t really hold a teenager accountable for their dreams, it was the parent’s job to maintain expectations. Instead, in a “great” show of maturity, they attacked their son right before a wedding, possibly ruining it. Instead of being level-headed and working on an alternative, they are creating a situation where either the son and his wife-to-be are unhappy or their daughter.
Image credits:Taha Samet Arslan (not the actual photo)
OP gave the readers a few more details
Overall, the commenters overwhelmingly sided with the couple
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