The r/AskReddit online communitydiscussedthe things that adults do that they only recently realized were direct results of their traumatic childhoods. You’ll find their personal insights and experiences as you scroll down below.
Remember, asking for help is never a sign of weakness. If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues or have unresolved traumas in your past, consider therapy or counseling.
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I realized I’m toxically independent. I have an extremely hard time asking for help because I never had it.
I do not prioritize myself. Be it health, time, or necessities. Everyone else in my life is ahead of me in the queue. This makes me seem incredibly helpful.Being helpful allows me to be present without being a target. Being helpful allows me to avoid my own problems because I’m too busy helping everyone else with theirs. Being helpful allows me to feel valuable instead of expendable.The only time I ever really take care of myself is if I know it will impact my ability to take care of someone else. It’s the only way I’ve found to make healthier choices, and it’s still barely enough.
Overthinking. Predicting and preparing for worst case scenarios. Having a higher tolerance for situations while also falling apart over tiny things. Refusing to let people stand behind me. Lack of trust for others. Being very prepared for people to drop and leave me without reason or warning.Oh I forgot to mention you develop a physical need to help others. You want nothing more than to make others happy to avoid or overcome ever feeling as you do. No matter what it costs you. And you hope that you can make up for whatever it is you did to deserve it all.
As we’ve covered onBored Pandarecently, you may want toseek professional helpif your mental health issues are causing anxiety, and panic attacks, and disrupting your daily life. It’s important to recognize that mental health experts are often very supportive and empathetic.Though therapy can help people deal with their past traumas, heal, and move past them, far from everyone sees counseling in a positive light. For example, some people are scared that their therapists are going to judge them for their experiences or decisions. According to ‘Thriveworks,’ peopledo not wantto be perceived as weak. However, proactively taking care of your mental health isn’t a weakness. It’s quite the opposite.
As we’ve covered onBored Pandarecently, you may want toseek professional helpif your mental health issues are causing anxiety, and panic attacks, and disrupting your daily life. It’s important to recognize that mental health experts are often very supportive and empathetic.
Though therapy can help people deal with their past traumas, heal, and move past them, far from everyone sees counseling in a positive light. For example, some people are scared that their therapists are going to judge them for their experiences or decisions. According to ‘Thriveworks,’ peopledo not wantto be perceived as weak. However, proactively taking care of your mental health isn’t a weakness. It’s quite the opposite.
Being hyperaware of anyone experiencing negative emotions in the room. Feeling someone else’s anger or depression very severely and feeling as though I have to be the one to calm things down and keep the peace.
I keep saying sorry to every little inconveniences or anytime I feel like I’m bothering someone.
Seriously doubt the motives of anyone who says anything nice.
Meanwhile, other folks are a tad skeptical about therapy as a whole. They might feel that counseling won’t solve their issues. Or that it’s simply an expensive way of talking about your feelings, something that they could do with their friends. This, of course, couldn’t be farther from the truth.Therapy provides new perspectives that aim to reframe your past experiences, in order to empower you. If venting to your friends from time to time is all that it takes to solve all of your issues, then more power to you! But you should never assume that it’s the same as working with a qualified, experienced professional.
Meanwhile, other folks are a tad skeptical about therapy as a whole. They might feel that counseling won’t solve their issues. Or that it’s simply an expensive way of talking about your feelings, something that they could do with their friends. This, of course, couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Therapy provides new perspectives that aim to reframe your past experiences, in order to empower you. If venting to your friends from time to time is all that it takes to solve all of your issues, then more power to you! But you should never assume that it’s the same as working with a qualified, experienced professional.
Something I do that I recently learned other people don’t do is constantly pay attention to my surroundings. I listen for footsteps, doors opening and closing, people’s voices, water running in the pipes, cars pulling into the driveway, on and on. As a kid I needed to know who was in my house and what they were doing.
I realised recently that a lot of the cruel things that were said to me have embedded themselves into my regular vocabulary under the guise of ‘self-deprecating humor’.
Other people might be too proud to go to counseling. They believe that they should be able to solve their problems on their own. Still, others are simply scared of opening up to a complete stranger. Or they’re afraid of how their lives might change in completely unknown ways after they solve their issues from the past.According to therapist Andrea Brandt, Ph.D., childhood trauma can stay in the body until it is processed. “The healthy flow and processing of distressing emotions, such as anger, sadness, shame, and fear, is essential to healing from childhood trauma as an adult,”she writeson ‘Psychology Today.’
Other people might be too proud to go to counseling. They believe that they should be able to solve their problems on their own. Still, others are simply scared of opening up to a complete stranger. Or they’re afraid of how their lives might change in completely unknown ways after they solve their issues from the past.
According to therapist Andrea Brandt, Ph.D., childhood trauma can stay in the body until it is processed. “The healthy flow and processing of distressing emotions, such as anger, sadness, shame, and fear, is essential to healing from childhood trauma as an adult,”she writeson ‘Psychology Today.’
Adrenaline dump at the slightest hint of conflict.
Self doubt. Need for affirmation. Can’t take criticism well. I spent most of my life being a good test taker. Now I find it difficult to have patience with myself while I struggle to learn/pick up new things.
Not sure if this is just really weird, but at work whenever I ask for a day off, every job I’ve had, I had given a detailed description of why and the purpose of needing it off. Finally, at my current job l, my direct supervisor would keep telling me: “I don’t need to know why.“I did some reflection and realized that, in my youth, if I didn’t explain things as far as being absent, feeling sick, needing to go to the doctor; if I didn’t have a good enough explanation, I was completely disregarded.It got engrained in me to find the best possible reasoning behind nearly every choice I ever made.
The therapist urges people to recall the situation, sense their emotional and physical response, and attach names to the emotions that bubble up. “As part of a mindful approach to healing from trauma, we need to fully accept everything that we feel. Whether it’s true to your conscious mind at this moment or not, say, ‘I love myself for feeling (angry, sad, anxious, etc.)’ Do this with every emotion you feel, especially the harder ones. Embrace your humanness, and love yourself for it.”After experiencing and embracing these emotions, you can try to work on letting the trauma go and casting off the events that wounded you.
The therapist urges people to recall the situation, sense their emotional and physical response, and attach names to the emotions that bubble up. “As part of a mindful approach to healing from trauma, we need to fully accept everything that we feel. Whether it’s true to your conscious mind at this moment or not, say, ‘I love myself for feeling (angry, sad, anxious, etc.)’ Do this with every emotion you feel, especially the harder ones. Embrace your humanness, and love yourself for it.”
After experiencing and embracing these emotions, you can try to work on letting the trauma go and casting off the events that wounded you.
I move very quietly. To the point that people joke that I can teleport because I’m next to them before they realize I’m there. I scare the people I live with just about every day because they don’t hear me enter a room. I also used to be able to just walk up on so much s**t as a cop and prison guard because nobody ever heard me coming.That’s a skill you learn when you grow up not wanting to be seen or heard.
Something minor goes wrong because I made a mistake, I think it is all over, ruined and everything is my fault, I feel I should just go crawl into a hole and die.Just thought on this again and I guess that’s why I like animal rescue videos, mother cats raising an abandoned pup. The after part, the transformation that some love and care bring. No one did it for me, but it warms my heart to see it done for another, no matter that they’re not my species!
I strive towards solitude in all aspects of life, if there is no one else around there is no one to betray my trust & hurt me. The older I get the more I realize I’m still very much a human being with a need for connection & friendship, with a brain wired to be untrusting. I keep most people at distance & my relationships tend to feel shallow. It’s a problem I’m not sure how to deal with.
I(m54) always have it in the back of my mind that anyone who says they love me has an ulterior motive.
Literally cannot take a compliment without immediately self-deprecating.
Eating very fast… I’m in my late 30’s and I still have this problem.When we where given food, we usually had to fight siblings as there was never enough for us. At holidays, specific around Thanksgiving, I lost track of how many times my stepdad would get angry and throw the entire turkey dinner away. For good measure, he would spray the entire garbage can with bleach so we couldn’t pick it out of the trash.So when you got food in my house, you would eat it as fast as you could before it was stolen from you. Don’t worry though, had mountains of Pepsi products though!….
Getting overly attached to people way to quickly, which usually pushes them away and just destroys me over and over again.
Have guilt when spending any amount of money.
I recently had an epiphany that I’ve been self-sabotaging any potential weight loss goals I could achieve, like I could be doing well and be down a couple pounds, and then as soon as I see the physical results on my body I start binge eating lol. I know now it’s bc of an incident in my childhood that has made me really fear attention from men. Being overweight, wearing baggier clothes just make me feel safer in public.
Always be on the lookout for the nearest exit or easiest path to get away quickly.
I people please at all times. I thought I was kind but I’m actually trying to be as agreeable as possible out of fear.
Yelling and door slamming still gets me, at 37. Even if I know I didn’t do anything wrong, a slammed door - even an accidental one - makes me jump out of my skin.Also, speed reading. My mother “helped” me to learn to read. Her method was: one wrong word, one slap. I learned to read fast, so I can get away quicker.
Asking for permission to do literally anything, double-checking that I was doing the right thing, and always second-guessing myself. Like to an abnormal level.TheLinkToYourZelda:Yep. I’m 33 years old, make six figures, and when me and my husband are out running errands on the weekend I will ask his permission to go use the bathroom or to buy a drink or anything. It’s ridiculous. And I know if people hear me doing it they will likely assume he’s abusive, but nope, just 18 years living with an abusive father.
To this day I still sleep on my stomach. When I failed the 4th grade my dad was beyond [mad] at his son being a failure. He told my Mom to leave the house and had me drop my pants and take my whipping like a Man. He beat me so long and so hard that the belt cut into my flesh and there were chunks that were hanging loose. I literally had to take a pillow to school the next week to sit down on. The teacher was concerned so she called the principle, vice-principle and two other teachers as witnesses and had me drop my pants in the boys restroom. they were horrified but didn’t report anything when I told them why I was beaten they told me to study harder to stop this from happening again. That was decades ago but I still sleep on my stomach and never fail at anything I try to do.
I had nearly zero control over my life for most of my childhood. Now I need to have absolute control over nearly every situation, specifically driving.
I used to loathe physical touch.After much contemplation, I realized I didn’t trust anyone enough to make myself vulnerable, even for a hug.
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If I’m relaxing, and someone walks into the room, I will immediately act like I was in the middle of doing something or about to start doing something. I have to be busy in the presence of other people. I also move around very quietly and shut doors softly without thinking about it. It was best to be invisible growing up.
The words “We need to talk” and “I need to talk to you” always freaks me out. My husband said it once when we were first dating and I suddenly burst into tears. Those phrases were always loaded and always negative, they were always prefacing me getting torn down emotionally about why I wasn’t doing enough, being enough, blah blah. It’s such a common thing to say to someone so sometimes I have trouble not freaking out to this day and I’m 40 years old.
Doing everything for everyone without being able to accept anyone doing anything for me. I only feel lovable and worthy if I am able to do things for others. Once that’s removed, what’s the point of me? And why would anyone do the same for me if I cannot provide the same, tenfold?Now I have cancer and letting my partner take care of me without debilitating guilt has been awful.This is as a result of my whole childhood being based around how I could make my mom feel better whenever she needed. Not her fault, she was traumatised too.
I try to answer questions and solve situations not based on what I think or want, but on what I think the person who asked them would expect or be more likely to appreciate.Related: I also have a serious difficulty in making decisions. I must always weigh the pros and cons of everything and in the end decide what is objectively the best thing to do, that benefits most people and/or causes less damage. I never manage to choose what I personally and egoistically want, because I seriously DONT KNOW what I want.Sometimes because of the impossibility to satisfy everyone or not discontent anyone my brain just crashes and I freeze on the spot.
When I feel like I’m being coerced, leveraged, ultimatum -ed or in any other way manipulated into doing something I have said a clear “no” to, I completely lose my s**t. I escalate the situation to maximum hostility. I basically DARE the person to “do their worst” and, in the moment, I actually feel like I’m enjoying the fight.I was raised in a cult, and as a kid resistance was not met with violence or torture, but with persistent, never ending “reasoning” (propaganda) until I folded. That is until I was 12 and started flatly refusing. It got very bad for a bit, but ultimately this led to me being allowed to LEAVE as I was becoming a “bad influence " on the other children.Something in my young brain just snapped into place. “If you dig in your heels and get nasty, eventually you will be left alone.“I’ve been trying my whole life to consciously modify this behavior. To choose other, less confrontational, more socially acceptable ways to deal with people I see as pushy, intrusive, or just too persistent. At 45, I’m pretty successful at this. But the whole “I’ll burn it to the ground before I surrender it to you” defense is still, sadly, the default I’m always clawing my way back from.
I’ve ruined multiple relashionships because I never believed they loved me. Its incredibly frustrating, deep down I dont believe I have anything in me that a person would fall in love with. So when they tell me they love me I get suspicious and upset and start sabotaging the relationship. I figure there must be an ulterior motive and that they are manipulating me.Also, I only feel comfortable sleeping with heavy clothes on and multiple blankets. When I was a kid the man who abused me made me sleep naked and would sneak into my bed at night. Sleeping the way I do now is the only way I feel safe. I would guess it’s a result of the abuse.
I’m insanely flinchy, like I get startled super easily. People try to jump out and scare me, and they laugh when I jump back. I wish they knew, as it hurts sometimes knowing why it always gets me.
Stepping away from persons of the opposite sex showing interest and being cold. Pretty much killed a few dozen potential relations with marvelous people. That’s the result of being told years after years I wasn’t desired as a child. Hard to recover and trust people.
I can’t sleep naked. I literally cannot.
I cannot have a snack if someone is watching.
Avoid people, avoidant personality disorder.
I will suffer in silence because I feel I need help but also anticipate vitriolic reprisal if I ask for help in the wrong way.I’ve been to therapy and am doing much better in that regard, but it still exists at the back of my mind.
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My fear of men. My dad was always cold and distant to me and only talked to me when I f****d up. I just thought I got along better with girls, until I noticed I got utterly terrified everytime a grown man would talk to me, and how I could never hold a conversation with another guy. That’s one thing. That, and I have a horrible fear of change and risk, again, thanks to my dad.Thanks, dad. The trauma is great.
Start sweating and panicking if I hear my husband doing chores (specifically dishes) while I’m still at work. We both wfh but he’s off 90 minutes earlier, perfect time for him to catch up on housework right? Apparently not. I hear it and go right back to my childhood, dad is in a hitting mood and on his way home so mom is anxious and angry at everything and slamming stuff around to get the house clean as fast as possible.
I can’t have music up loud (like above normal speaking volume) and if I have headphones in they’re really low volume or I’m only wearing one earbud, just in case there’s someone trying to get my attention - I’m terrified of being called for and not hearing it. Also I apologise for absolutely everything and am a people-pleaser to a toxic degree.
Violent outbursts to high stress situations, inability to talk about past negative experiences without re-living those memories and having an emotional reaction.
I have a hard time giving my child the love that I feel inside for her. I don’t think she would notice, but I feel like I am holding back or keeping my distance sometimes.Also, I feel like I only have so much bandwidth for human interactions. Like they completely drain me because I’m probably trying to be someone for them vs just being comfortable in my own shoes.
I am always trying to manage people’s emotions.
Binge eating. Cause I didn’t have enough food growing up and my food was restricted when I had to stay at my dad’s because they had all this food that we didn’t have at home, so they couldn’t understand why I was eating too much or hiding food in my pockets. I confronted my dad about it kinda recently and he said that never happened. Thx dad. Awesome closure, and we can move onto having an actual relationship now. Or not
Seeking out for attention and affection from women compulsively because I didn’t get it from my mother.And I’m choosing always the “broken” ones
Skin picking.I developed OCD from a traumatic experience as a child, and picking is my subconscious attempt at self regulation. I had to go through 5 therapists to actually get an answer as to WHY I pick so much.I’ve gotten a lot better about it this year and I just hope the trend continues.
Depersonalising. Derealising. Losing bits of me.
Laugh at situations and smile uncontrollably when I don’t want to.
I assume everyone is secretly out to hurt me or against me so I insist on doing everything myself without help with little to no trust in anyone.
Never draw attention to myself. Also I don’t like when people are loud. It triggers me.
My entire personality is conflict avoidant. Related to this, if there’s an argument and people are shouting, i feel like I’m having a headache or a mini panic attack even if said people are strangers.
Zone out. It took me years to realise that it was disassociation and not just me being “a space cadet” I was zoning out when upset or having flashbacks.
Not remembering the majority of my childhood. Never feeling proud of my accomplishments. Over-independency to the point it affects my personal relationships. Hating everyone while trying to please them at the same time. Avoiding confrontation out of fear of violence. Weird fetishes as a result of SA, the list goes on
Taking care of everyone else to the extent that i was essentially acting like a parent for them. I didn’t realize that this wasn’t normal till I had talked to a therapist. I had to take care of myself and siblings at the age of 6 and do everything my parents were supposed to do.
crying when i receive any kind of gift.i was spoiled as a kid with the caveat that we were super poor. so every gift was really a guilt trip. my mom would buy me amazing toys then if i didnt play with them constantly it was “well i couldve spent that money on food” “a lot of kids dont have toys” “im doing this to make you happy” when id ask her to stop buying me things
I’ve become a pathological liar, and I don’t know how to get help for it. If there even is help for it, I mean I try not I notice the damage it causes, but I can’t seem to stop. I’m still young relatively, but I fear the damage is becoming irreversible.
Vulnerability, I finally can be* (with the right people), but for years and years none, when you’re used to being beat with any weakness shown you learn not to show any.*And its amazing, finally understood there could never be anything real without it.
Perfectionism? My parents have been pretty strict to me for studies and it went to such extent that whatever I do I need to do it perfectly If I don’t It weighs me down and i feel bad And the worst thing is When I work in teams, for eg I’d be a pressure on others because of this I’d like to work on it.
Asking my husband if he’s ok all the time 😊
I (28f) always just want to leave when s**t gets hard. Relationships, jobs, anything. Leaving instead of working through problems has caused a lot of problems.
Whenever I eat or drink anything, I feel like I HAVE to finish it. Doesn’t matter if it’s too much, or even if I don’t like it, if I started consuming it, it must be finished. I never thought anything of it until I met my best friend. He’ll leave a 1/3rd of a sandwich because he’s full, or leave the bottom of a beer because he doesn’t like it, etc. Once I thought about it, the fact that my mother ALWAYS told us we couldn’t leave the table until we’d eaten everything on our plate(even if we weren’t hungry) became engraved in me. I’m still struggling with it to this day and it makes things like buying snacks or even ordering at restaurants difficult because if I order too much or open something…..I’m going to eat it all still…
Language is full of tripwires for me. I cannot tolerate vagueness, because it has been used against me so much.
For years after I would get groceries I would walk thru the kitchen and stare at all the food I bought.
Trying to either keep people happy or stay out of the way. My mother has a short fuse and I always bend over backwards to keep everyone happy.
This one may not have wide appeal, but I don’t spend money on myself. My fiancé and I have a joint bank account where we both put most of our money for bills, rent, gas, etc. But I put like 90% of my checks in there, and never touch it for anything personal. Even things like food I’m incredibly stingy with myself, but if my fiancé asks if she can use joint for something I say yes 100% of the time.I think this may come from a rough relationship I had through my highschool years where I worked 2+ jobs at once and if I didn’t take my partner out to dinner 5+ times a week she was mad at me.
I just realized this while reading through the replies.When younger, my dad would always promise to give me stuff I wanted (a game, guitar, drums, cellphone, clothes, etc.) But he would never come through, and I know he might have had economic issues now, but then, I just thought he forgot or it was just an empty promise, so now in my daily adult life I realized that I try to never get hyped up for stuff, or don’t buy myself stuff that I like or want for no reason at all, and it’s something friends have even commented about, when gifting me stuff, I just say a thanks and move on.
I cover up shame with anger.
Welp, this week my new therapist pointed out that my eating disorders are a trauma response. I have issues with food scarcity and food-as-love as well as some contamination fears that may rise to OCD. And that’s because of trauma, rather than congenital.
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