How people raise their kids is up to them, within reason. Sure, family might be able to weigh in from time to time, but mostly it’s up to the child’s parents to set the rules and habits that regulate daily life. Anything else is overstepping boundaries.
For one grandma, though, she’s worried about how her son and daughter-in-law are bringing up her grandchildren. She thinks that they’re very strict with everything from the kids’ diet and schedules to the toys they’re allowed to play with and turned to mumsnet to voice her concerns.
More info:Mumsnet
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How parents raise their kids is up to them, but this grandmother has several concerns
Image credits:nensuria / Freepik (not the actual photo)
She has a list of complaints, from what and when her grandkids are allowed to eat, to how strict their parents are
Image credits:freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
She says her granddaughters aren’t allowed to do anything boyish, like play football or play with toy cars
Image credits:cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
She also worries that her grandkids’ schedules are too full, and that the youngest always looks exhausted
Image credits:Elisoe
Grandma turned to the internet to ask if she was being unreasonable with her concerns about the couple’s extreme parenting style
Her first complaint is her granddaughters’ diet. She says, despite being thin and not working out that much, her skinny daughter-in-law is very strict when it comes to carbs and has basically banned them for her kids’ plates. OP says she’s never known kids to be on restrictivedietsunless necessary.
Next up, OP notes her granddaughters’ packed schedules. Apparently the 3-year-old has swimming twice a week, 3 days at nursery, Russian lessons on a Saturday, ballet twice a week and, on top of all of that, a weekly tennis lesson. OP says that whenever she sees the 3-year-old, she’sexhausted.
OP goes on to bring up the fact that the parents are very strict with her granddaughters, quick to scold them for laughing too much or having more than one toy out at a time. What’s more, their mother doesn’t let them do anything boyish, like play football, play in the mud, or play with toytrucks.
Considering OP and her kids come from different eras with different parenting styles, there’s bound to be some conflict when it comes to how to raise the grandkids best. Perhaps OP would do well to familiarize herself with the major types of parenting styles so she can get a better picture of how her kids are doing it, and why, before she says anything.
In herarticlefor Mayo Clinic, Candace Nelson writes that there are four main parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and neglectful. Parents don’t have to commit to one style – it’s natural to use different styles in different situations.
Permissive parents pride themselves on being their child’s best friend. They’re warm and nurturing and employ open communication at all times. They’re also actively involved in their children’s emotional well-being, have low expectations and use discipline sparingly. Permissive parents allow children to make their own choices but will also help them out if it doesn’t end well.
According to anarticlefor Psychology Today, recent research suggests that, in some families, a parent’s style, especially as it relates to keeping control over their children, could leave their kids vulnerable to emotional abuse from future partners, employers, and others.
From what OP tells us in her post, the parents could probably loosen up a little, but considering the kids are so well-behaved, it may be best to reduce the rigidity incrementally to avoid disrupting the children’s environment too much.
Bored Pandareached out to Dr. Francyne Zeltser, a child and family psychologist and the clinical director of mental health and testing services atManhattan Psychology Group, to get her take on the situation.
When we asked her what she thought of the grandma’s concerns, she had this to say, “Regarding the grandmother’s concerns (e.g., too strict, too restrictive, too many activities), these issues on their own aren’t inherently problematic. They seem to stem more from differences in parenting styles.”
Zeltser goes on, “However, when viewed together, it’s understandable why the grandmother might feel uneasy, especially if she raised her own children differently and feels confident in her approach. Seeing her son and daughter-in-law parent in a way that contrasts with her own experience can be uncomfortable and may cause her to second-guess their choices.”
Zeltser added that the first step in addressing her concerns is to highlight that parenting differently isn’t necessarily right or wrong—it’s just different. Children don’t come with instruction manuals, and there’s no one “correct” way to parent. What works for one family might not work for another, and even within the same family, what works for one child might not suit another.
“From what’s been described, it sounds like the children’s basic needs are being met—they’re not neglected or mistreated. While the grandmother may feel that the children are overscheduled, strictly disciplined, or not snacked enough, it’s clear they are being nurtured and cared for, just in a different way than she might have chosen.” Zeltser adds.
We asked Dr. Zeltser for one piece of advice she’d offer the grandmother going forward.
“I would encourage the grandmother to focus on what her son and daughter-in-law are doing well, and to recognize how her grandchildren are thriving. By concentrating too much on her concerns, she may be missing or downplaying the positives—a common cognitive distortion. For instance, the OP mentioned that her grandchildren are among the best-behaved children she has ever encountered. If the opposite were true and they were poorly behaved, it’s likely she’d have different concerns altogether.” says Zeltser.
Zeltser concluded, “Ultimately, there is no such thing as perfect parenting, and I would suggest the grandmother embrace the positive aspects and enjoy this time in her life. After all, she no longer has to be the one doing the disciplining!”
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