If you live with a sibling, you know just how annoying it is when your stuff gets taken, used, or moved to a different closet, for instance. While that is common sibling behavior, other people tend to engage in it, too, making it arguably even more infuriating.
Scroll down to find the full story below, where you will also findBored Panda’sinterview withDiana Partington, a licensed professional counselor and leading Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) expert, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions on the importance of setting and respecting boundaries.
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Someone constantly taking your stuff without permission can get infuriating, be it food, clothing, makeup, or anything else
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This woman’s roommate would constantly use her stuff without asking, but that didn’t last long after she “borrowed” some of her makeup
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Moving in with someone new might take time and effort to adjust to
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Whether you’re used to living on your own, with yourfamily members, or a roommate, moving in with someone new can be quite a significant change; for betterorworse. It might entail having to rebuild your entire routine—you might not be able to use the shower exactly when you want to or leave your dishes piling up in the sink for as long as you want to—and change some of your old habits, but it also might—as it should—entail having to familiarize yourself with the new roomie’s boundaries.
According to the licensed professional counselor Diana Partington, it’s good to have a roommate agreement before moving in with someone. “Think through what has worked well for you in the past and what hasn’t worked well. How do you divide utilities? What are your quiet hours for sleep? These don’t have to be strict, but you do need to be on the same page before agreeing to live together. It will be much easier to address issues if you work on clear communication of expectations from the beginning,” she toldBored Panda.
Needless to say, the boundaries people set vary significantly from person to person: some might want to spend nearly all of their free time lounging in the living room together, while others would rather enjoy peace and quiet behind closed doors alone in their room. But whatever their preference is, it’s important to respect it, the same way it’s important to set healthy and clear boundaries yourself.
“Boundaries make relationships work,” the expert emphasized. “It’s not only important to communicate your boundary, which can be a challenge for people who struggle with direct communication, you also have to enforce your boundaries. Think through the consequences that you would be willing to enforce if someone continues to violate your boundary.”
According to Psych Central, boundaries refer to what you’re OK and not OK with, and they are necessary because without them, relationships might get exhausting and you yourself might become resentful. The aforementioned sourcesuggests that“When you don’t have solid boundaries, the lines between your needs and desires and those of another person can get blurred. They’re also necessary for preventing emotional exhaustion and keeping you from becoming a doormat.” And that can happen in all sorts of relationships, including family, friends, and, you guessed it, roommates.
“Communicating your boundaries is one of the kindest things you can do for the people in your life,” expert says
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As mentioned above, any relationship can benefit from people setting clear boundaries, especially when they share a home. Knowing what the other person expects of you and what you can expect from them can make it easier to avoid conflict and make sure that everyone is comfortable under one roof and has enough space for themselves.
In order to make sure that everyone’sboundariesare clear, it’s crucial to communicate them properly. “Communicating your boundaries is one of the kindest things you can do for the people in your life. It’s about letting them know how to be in a relationship with you in a way that works well for you,” Partington said, adding that everyone’s boundaries are different.
Discussing the importance of boundaries when sharing a dwelling with a roommate, Bethany Balks, the Residence Education and Housing Services Associate Director for Communications at Michigan State University, suggested that it’s important to start communication as soon as possible upon moving in together.
“It’s okay to have some disagreements, and it doesn’t mean that two people can’t live together because they disagree on something, but the more open they are and willing to have the conversation, (the better). It’s a huge practice that will stay with you for the rest of your life,” BalkstoldThe State News.
Talking about ways to handle conflict with roommates, Partington suggested that it’s important to try to assume good intentions and get curious about what is going on with the other person. “Learning more information about their perspective can help you with problem solving the situation,” she said.
“Finally we add a reinforcer for the other person: What is the benefit to them for doing what you are asking? This can be a quid pro quo, ‘If you do the dishes, then I will vacuum.’ Or it can be relational, ‘If you stay out of my room, that will significantly decrease the tension between us.’”
The OP shared that she has told her roommate to stop taking her belongings countless times, but trying to communicate with the roomie proved to be pointless. After a while, probably knowing that actions speak louder than words, the OP decided to opt forpetty revengeinstead, and she carried it out perfectly, as after entering a party with an orange face, the roommate seemingly refrained from overstepping the redditor’s boundaries again.
Some people seemed to have dealt with similar roommates themselves
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