Social norms are the unwritten rules that determine what is acceptable within a community and what is not.
From the way weform a line at a grocery storeto the way we look for a partner, they govern both the small details of daily interactions and the major decisions that shape our lives.
But not everyone accepts these customs without question. In fact, some people feel certain conventions are baffling or even absurd. Recently, a post onr/AskRedditinvited platform users to share a common social norm that they secretly find ridiculous, and the responses sparked an interesting discussion. Continue scrolling to check out the most popular entries.
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To learn more about social norms, we contactedDr. Joseph E. Davis, research professor of sociology and chair of the Picturing the Human working group at the Institute for Advanced Studies in Culture at the University of Virginia.
“Social norms … make society possible,” he toldBored Panda. “We couldn’t have social interaction and order without them. We would simply have no idea what to do in each other’s presence.”
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Over the top weddings. What an incredible waste of money.merc0526 replied:It seems absolutely wild to me that people who may not have enough for a house deposit are okay with spending lots of money on a wedding. Hell, even if I owned a house, I’d rather spend the wedding money on traveling around the world.
Job adverts posted without information on the salary. Are we really pretending as if the money isn’t a big factor as to why I’m applying?
“But many factors play a role in conformity—the rewards available, coercion, different personalities, role models, the nature of the social group, and so on. And we should remember that all normal social members adapt their behavior to others and even the ‘deviants’ are conforming to some consensus—delinquent group, gang, cliques—though it might be at odds with the dominant culture.”
Scheduling workplace events outside of normal working hours. If you want me to attend, pay me for it.
According to Davis, there is no one answer to the question of when social norms die out, either. However, “technological changes are often implicated in the attenuation of shared customs and forms of life.”“The great sociologist Emile Durkheim, for example, witnessing the effects of the Industrial Revolution, found that the rapid urbanization undermined the guidance of established norms and legal/moral guardrails that people living in rural areas had previously relied upon. It left them feeling unmoored and dissatisfied, a state of being he called ‘anomie,’ or normless.”“When the ‘recurring problems or situations’ change, to use Nisbet’s words again, we need different ‘solutions.’ As we live in a time of profound and relentless social change, so many of the ‘folkways’ and moral norms of earlier times, in everything from etiquette to sexuality, have been heavily revised or eliminated,” Davis explained.
According to Davis, there is no one answer to the question of when social norms die out, either. However, “technological changes are often implicated in the attenuation of shared customs and forms of life.”
“The great sociologist Emile Durkheim, for example, witnessing the effects of the Industrial Revolution, found that the rapid urbanization undermined the guidance of established norms and legal/moral guardrails that people living in rural areas had previously relied upon. It left them feeling unmoored and dissatisfied, a state of being he called ‘anomie,’ or normless.”
“When the ‘recurring problems or situations’ change, to use Nisbet’s words again, we need different ‘solutions.’ As we live in a time of profound and relentless social change, so many of the ‘folkways’ and moral norms of earlier times, in everything from etiquette to sexuality, have been heavily revised or eliminated,” Davis explained.
Not just letting kids be weird. My son used to wear the weirdest stuff and if we were going out I’d be like ‘Go for it! You’re six, live it up!” I do believe in making them behave, though.
Posting your entire life online.MizzyvonMuffling replied:…plus airing dirty laundry/family feuds online.
However, reactionary forces have also used social media to spread transphobic, homophobic, and misogynistic ideologies, such as “incel” culture.
Paying thousands for destination bachelorette/bachelor parties.
Spending money to flex. Like why the f**k do I care if random people think I’m rich.Nutzori replied:‘Why would I buy a $1,500 phone when my current phone does all the same things at 1/10th the price?’ ‘Broke talk, LMAO.’ Bruh, no, I am specifically not broke because I have an extra $1,500 from not spending it on that dumb fucking phone, LOL.
Wearing brand name clothing. As long as you have nice clean clothes on I don’t care what brand they are.
“Our dominant value system, individualism, is a social value system. That means that, despite the talk of ‘the only rule is that there are no rules,’ we live under a regime of social norms,” Davis added.“Our new norms are more personalized, complex, and demanding, more oriented to the future and to personal possibilities than the old, more community-oriented norms. So woven into our very concept of freedom, we don’t think of values like expressing our unique self, setting our own priorities, overcoming obstacles, and making our mark as requirements.”“These are desires we have for ourselves, routes to achievement and happiness. We think of them as facilitating selfhood, not making demands on it or mediating our social relationships. But counterintuitive as it might sound, our self-determination is not just a personal aspiration but also a normative responsibility.”
“Our dominant value system, individualism, is a social value system. That means that, despite the talk of ‘the only rule is that there are no rules,’ we live under a regime of social norms,” Davis added.
“Our new norms are more personalized, complex, and demanding, more oriented to the future and to personal possibilities than the old, more community-oriented norms. So woven into our very concept of freedom, we don’t think of values like expressing our unique self, setting our own priorities, overcoming obstacles, and making our mark as requirements.”
“These are desires we have for ourselves, routes to achievement and happiness. We think of them as facilitating selfhood, not making demands on it or mediating our social relationships. But counterintuitive as it might sound, our self-determination is not just a personal aspiration but also a normative responsibility.”
Tipping. Thank God I live in Europe.
That the rich can be immune to the consequences of their actions.
Asking people when they’re “finally going to have kids”.
“‘One might say,’ in the words of one social theorist, that ‘it is no longer allowed not to do the possible, not to live up to one’s potential, not to realize one’s true self.’ Everyone is obliged, says another, to ‘become themselves,’ ’personally flower,’ and be ‘exceptional.’ Now the key question is not ‘what am I allowed to do?’ but ‘what am I capable of?’”Davis pointed out that “there is much about our contemporary experience that will seem strange and contradictory” if we don’t understand that, paradoxically, “our autonomy is also a question of conformity to social standards.”
“‘One might say,’ in the words of one social theorist, that ‘it is no longer allowed not to do the possible, not to live up to one’s potential, not to realize one’s true self.’ Everyone is obliged, says another, to ‘become themselves,’ ’personally flower,’ and be ‘exceptional.’ Now the key question is not ‘what am I allowed to do?’ but ‘what am I capable of?’”
Davis pointed out that “there is much about our contemporary experience that will seem strange and contradictory” if we don’t understand that, paradoxically, “our autonomy is also a question of conformity to social standards.”
Daylight Saving Time.
Insurance companies thinking they know better than doctors about our health needs. I want to see that system crumble and disappear before the end of my life. Probably won’t happen, but I still want it.MissusNilesCrane replied:Doctor: My patient needs prior authorization for X medication because generic isn’t effective.Pharmacy: The doctor says his patient needs name-brand medication for his patient.Insurance: Does she really, though? Better check with the doctor.The story of my life.
Health insurance. You pay plenty for it. Yet you also pay a ridiculous amount if you have any sort of major health problem. What’s the point? The whole system is completely broken.
Bridezillas and special “requests” for weddings. No one should be expected to give you thousands of dollars Susan just because you’re getting married.Expensive vehicles- I’ll stick with my paid off Toyota- I hate car payments.Everything being fake- fake fingernails, fake eyebrows, fake lashes, fake boobs, etcetera. I’m all for self care- but all the fake… why?
Crossing my arms means I’m closed off.Actually I’m just really comfortable standing that way. I do it all the time.Moominsean replied:I agree. Just standing there with your arms hanging feels kind of awkward and not particularly comfortable.
Everyone walking around with phones in faces even at a gym where they need to have thing in hands to work out.
The idea that men who take good care of their appearance must be gay.
That you should slave your life away to rich a******s that don’t care about you, and that if you don’t, you’re “lazy.”.
Doctors and really all providers who schedule an appointment and are expected to be late while you are expected to be early and penalized for being late. Doctors, meetings, interviews, service appointments… and copays before I receive a service of any kind.
Two weeks notice to quit a job. They can let you go without even a seconds warning but if you leave without giving a two week notice you’re the bad guy and filed under “not rehireable”.The entire idea behind the two week notice is so they could train your replacement but these days they often don’t really have anyone lined up for that. Then they ask you to stay on another week. Not your problem though.Your employer is only as loyal to you as their bottom line allows. You’re just a number on a spreadsheet. Once you’re no longer useful, you’re out. So there’s no point to being loyal to your employer.
Having kids when you can’t even afford rent.
Having to hide a tampon or a pad when I go to the bathroom to change it because someone might find it embarrassing.
Having to be available 24/7.I miss the days before mobile phones. I might use the social side of my mobile twice a day, and I get constant complains about it. I won’t change. I don’t need to.
Bras and panties are taboo but swimwear isn’t. Literally the same s**t just water resistant material.
I’ve never really understood why it’s considered rude to put your elbows on the dinner table.One_Lobster_7454 replied:I’ll one up you: I’ve always been told off for having my knife and fork in the wrong hands!What f*****g difference does It make? If I was left-handed, it would be the right way round! I find it comfortable that way around.It’s got to a point where anyone mentioning it just gets the same phrase every time: ‘I don’t care.’
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Not having bra straps show, who cares.
Pretending to like small talk when all you really want is to skip to the part where you can comfortably ignore each other.
Parents giving their kids expensive vehicles.You see a high school douchebag driving a lifted 250 with chrome wheels. Hauling literally nothing but clearly worth the $100,000.Is it any wonder why the economy’s in shambles, repossessions are up, and entitlement is through the roof?Just get them a basic 10+ year old Camry or Civic.
Funerals. Horrible use of resources and environmentally harmful. Also, it puts the grieving through so much unnecessary nonsense. My late husband had some serious forethought and refused to allow us to have a funeral. At first I was taken aback but in the end, it was so much easier on me and my kids. He wanted to be cremated and we spread his ashes in a small ceremony with close family when I was ready to let him go.
Obsessing over celebrities or anyone in the media while neglecting your own present life and social circle.Gino-Bartali replied:Important to note that professional athletes are, without question, celebrities.I follow the NBA to a minor extent, but I’m not tuned into it all hours of the day, nor do I let it make me start gambling because, apparently, we decided to regress a bit as a collective.People who know every trade and every life story of every player are also sometimes likely to talk down on Swifties like they are any different.
Being nice to a person but secretly gossiping or judging behind their back, why not to tell them the truth in the face?
Bachelor and bachelorette parties where the point is to live it up one more night as an unmarried person, last chance to enjoy all the vices. Wtf?
You’re expected to accept someone’s request on social media to be polite, and you’re expected to stay social media “friends” with them even if you’re not friends in real life.I always get c**p about not wanting acquaintances and colleagues on social media….like I’ve hurt their feelings. Sometimes it’s nothing personal.
Eating a food that you’ve previously expressed a dislike for to be courteous.Like, if I say I like shepherds pie, someone makes it for me, and it tastes bad… I’m going to fake it to be polite. But if I tell people I dislike peanut butter and they make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for me, I’m not eating it. I won’t be rude about it, I’ll politely remind them and thank them for the effort! But yeah, no.
“What’s your dream job?“I think it’s weird to dream about work.
Having to buy a card for every occasion - like, why do I need to pay $5 to say “Happy Birthday” when I’m already getting you a gift?
I secretly find ridiculous is the expectation to always respond with “I’m fine” or “I’m good” when someone asks how you’re doing, even when you’re clearly not. It’s as if we’re all part of an unspoken agreement to avoid genuine emotional exchanges in casual interactions, reducing a potentially meaningful conversation to mere pleasantries. It feels like a missed opportunity to connect on a deeper level, yet it’s so ingrained that we all just go along with it.
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Excessive consumption of alcohol.
That men aren’t allowed any emotion other than anger.
Not taking people at face value. If only everyone would just take responsibility for their words and actions and expect the same form others.Let’s stop trying to find secret meaning, especially to people who are pretty straightforward. So much drama would be avoided.
Playing “hard to get” otherwise if you show interest that’s apparently desperate??
Hair dressers required to always small talk with the clients even tho how weird some may be, i do feel for them and give them credit for the job they do doing it every hair cut.
Feeling obligated to bring a gift to a wedding when you’re already spending a fortune just to be there.
I don’t think it’s so much a thing anymore but back in the 200s-2010s people put so much stock in the whole “never show up on time fir a party/social event on time” thing. It was so stupid and inconvenient and there was no reason for it.
Hugs to greet people. Don’t f*****g touch me.
Retail and fast food/dining workers being required to have forced small talk with strangers who are also fully aware that the small talk is forced as a part of the job.
Small talk before getting to the point in a business meeting. We are all experiencing the weather and probably agree, I don’t want to talk about my family or trips, etc. I just want to cover the topic and get back to what I was doing before I walked into the office.
In the U.S.?We have a fg healthcare system where an inordinate amount of money goes to healthcare premiums.Health is important. Yes! So, those premiums covering healthcare are acceptable…….in an ideal world.INSTEAD, people spend all those premiums IN HOPE that they never fg have to go to a doctor!!
Saying “bless you” when someone sneezes. We don’t say it when someone coughs or anything else. Most of the time a sneeze is just random anyway, not due to sickness.
Not wearing a hat in the house or any of the other super subjective things that older people view as being “polite”. Someone else said elbows on the table. Same thing. Useless gestures that have zero meaning other than what people say they do. I get being respectful of culture and I would conform to any norms in a house or society of which I am a guest. But in my house, I want people laughing and comfortable. I want my loved ones to be at home with me and in my space.
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