Probably most of you will agree that everyone wants to be successful and not worry about their finances. And in many cases, the reason for this is not only to be able to afford fancy cars, housing, trips, stuff, etc. (but this is also cool), but to help ourparents. Knowing that all their life, they were providing for us, it feels like the least we can do is to somehow help them to retire.
Cultures vary in their levels of filial piety, but most of us want to support our parents so they don’t have to worry about money
Image credits:Tima Miroshnichenko (not the actual photo)
This woman shares that her parents live in a less developed country than her, thus when she got a new job, she calculated that she could send $1300 to help her parents
Image credits:MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
She set up a joint account, but after a year and a half, she noticed that there was a $200 transfer every month for her brother as her parents were helping him out
Image credits:Yan Krukau (not the actual photo)
Image credits:u/Original-Good2218
When her parents noticed this, they called her scolding her for being a bad daughter and sister, which caused serious family drama
The community members gave the woman the ‘Not the A-hole’ badge and discussed that setting boundaries was a good step. “Your parents should be grateful that you are helping them out. Their son is their problem, not yours,” one user wrote. “I am so glad to finally read something where someone took a stand for themselves without dragging the issue on forever. I also love how you handled it,” another added.
Image credits:Eren Li (not the actual photo)
People online discussed that the woman is not responsible for her parents’ retirement plan (which would actually fall into thelist ofreasons whypeople shouldn’t have kids), and they are lucky that she is helping them at all.
However, speaking about this case, David pointed out that it looks as if the parents are giving a mixed message to the woman, as well as possibly fomenting sibling rivalry. “They didn’t pay for her education but finance her brother’s partying.”
Also, the expert noted that one common pattern is that the family does this due to unresolved gender issues, as in cases where a mother lives vicariously through a daughter who does things she cannot, but then gets upset that the daughter is getting to do stuff she couldn’t and won’t talk about it.
David M. Allen emphasized that in these types of cases, his recommendations are not the conventional wisdom. “The woman would have to find a way to get past her parents’ defensiveness in order that they might discuss and resolve the underlying issues.” He added that many people and many therapists think this is impossible in cases like this, but it is not.
Also, to get more insights into how to do this in mild to moderately dysfunctional families, check out David’s book –Coping with Critical, Demanding, and Dysfunctional Parents: Powerful Strategies to Help Adult Children Maintain Boundaries and Stay Sane.
So whilemoneyand financesmay be tough topics to speak about, it’s important to set ground rules. Also, the expert noted that the common pattern is still gender issues, and looking at this casewhere theonly daughterwas miserable in her own home– it looks like it may be the case. But what do you think about this story? Share your thoughts below!
Redditors backed up the woman and assured her that she was not being a jerk in this situation
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