Pace Webb runsOur Home Flows, a platform where she offers courses to help mothers reclaim their time and distributehousehold responsibilitiesmore equally with their partners.
HighlightsA mom advised women to stop answering their partner’s “unnecessary questions” to improve their problem-solving skills.Pace Webb’s approach aims to break the habit of relying on women for all household chores.The technique has sparked debate; some find it helpful, while others see it as harsh or infantilizing.
In a recent Instagram video, the entrepreneur suggested that mothers stop answering questions their partners could easily answer themselves.
“I stopped answering every question he could figure out for himself,” she says in the clip, shared on September 28.
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Pace Webb sparked discussion after advising mothers to stop answering their partner’s “unnecessary questions”
Image credits:tasteofpace
“It may sound kind of harsh, but if you’re always answering the questions, they’re just gonna keep asking you, and you’re going to be the one who does all the thinking.”
Webb recommends that, instead of providing direct answers,mothersrespond with phrases such as, “Hmmm. . . I’m not sure,” or “I don’t know.”
Another effective response she suggests is, “I’m in the middle of something right now, but I can try and look in a minute.” She says this is almost guaranteed to make them figure out the solution before that “minute” arrives.
Webb stresses that these responses shouldn’t sound passive-aggressive. The main goal is to break the habit some people have of asking their significant other “a lot of unnecessary questions.”
“If you’re always answering the questions, they’re just gonna keep asking you, and you’re going to be the one who does all the thinking,” the mother said
“No one showed us how to figure out the mom life…it’s more work added to us when we have to stop and help them navigate to a solution,” one woman commented.
“I just stopped knowing all the things. ‘I don’t know’ was my battle cry. And suddenly, there were less questions,” shared another.
Image credits:ourhomeflows
“This is the advice I will give to women getting married or having children. Don’t start that cycle. It’s a hard one to break,” recommended a separate user.
Another woman said she implements this technique for her husband’s “Where can I find the…?” questions. “As the purchaser and put-awayer of food I knew exactly what was in there. And it’s 18.1 cubic feet of well lit white space. I have every confidence that men can find things in the fridge, and I will let them starve trying.”
Webb suggested that women answer with phrases like, “I’m not sure,” to encourage their partner’s problem-solving skills and promote equal parenting within the household
For some, this advice also applies to professional environments. “I did this with a coworker and my work stress reduced significantly,” said a commenter, while another wrote, “I started doing it with employees. It’s insane how well it works. And a few told me they feel more confident on the site now because they’ve had to solve their own problems.”
However, others criticized Webb’s video, arguing that her solution is too harsh or may end up infantilizing the other adult in the relationship.
“The problem here is that if you continue to stonewall him without explanation he will stop talking to you altogether,” an additional user wrote.
“What….this is why we have failed marriages….women treat their husbands like kids. Don’t get married then,” said somebody else.
“On top of having a career, the expectation for mothers to continue to be the ‘CEO’ of the household is simply outdated”
Image credits:Pace Webb
Webb’s project,Our Home Flows, began when her daughter was six months old, and she started to feel growing resentment in herrelationshipdue to handling all the household chores on her own.
“No one tells you about the time and mental load caring for another human takes! On top of having a career, the expectation for mothers to continue to be the ‘CEO’ of the household is simply outdated,” the mother wrote on herwebsite.
“I realized that I wasn’t sharing the workload of caring for our child or household with my husband, and although he was willing to do anything I asked, the fact that I held all the keys was too much to balance while having a demanding career.”
Carole Martin-Sperry, a Registered Member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), shared her perspective on Webb’s technique for encouraging the equal distribution of housework withBored Panda.
“I am not entirely convinced that answering unnecessary questions from yourpartner with ‘I am not sure’ or ‘I don’t know’ is either helpful or effective. It’sobviously annoying and irritating to hear these kind of questions from yourpartner. You may feel taken for granted and it’s lazy on their part,” said thepsychotherapist, who has written three books about relationships and sexual issues.
Martin-Sperry suggests a more straightforward approach for expressing discomfort with your significant other’s questions.
“There are better ways of communicating. You could let them know that endlessquestioning feels demanding of your time and patience. It’s better to addressthis issue before it becomes a habit.
“Maybe you could say something along the lines of ‘I’m sure you canmanage.’ Or ‘You’ve got this.’ It would be all too easy to sound passive-aggressive or infantilizing. Make it clear early on that you are not going toanswer all their questions.”
For thousands of years, the distribution of domestic work has been unequal, putting women at a disadvantage.
“Unfortunately women have had to take sole responsibility for all thehousehold tasks and parenting for centuries. Now these stereotypicalroles are at last being challenged. If both of you are working, the chores should be shared,” said the expert.
Martin-Sperry recommends that couples split household tasks according to skill and ability, ensuring the workload remains even. “One of you can cook, the other can clearup and load and empty the dishwasher. You can take care of thelaundry, they can vacuum, you manage the finances, they book theholidays, and so on.”
About 91% of women with children spend at least an hour per day on housework, compared to 30% of men with children, according to data from theEuropean Institute for Gender Equality.
Gender gaps in housework participation are the largest amongcoupleswith children, the institute notes, adding that only 19% of young men spend an hour on cooking and housework per day, compared to 39% of young women.
Webb, who runsOur Home Flows, shares advice for women on how to distribute household responsibilities more equally with their partners
Moreover, fathers are more likely than mothers to say that managing schedules and activities is evenly shared, as per data on American couples from thePew Research Center.
In other videos, Webb highlighted the importance of mothers having alone time instead of “spending every free moment [they have] with her husband and kids,” and encouraged them to let their partners take ondifferent choresrather than “beating [them] to it.”
Working and managing all household and parenting tasks can lead to various health issues, including stress and exhaustion. This, in turn, may contribute to anxiety and depression, as well as physical health symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches, back pain, and increased susceptibility to colds and viruses, Martin-Sperry explained. Additionally, it can affect your relationship.
“It’s better to let your partner know you arestruggling and need their cooperation and support.Communicating openly is the best way of addressing all these issues, solving theproblems and finding a better way forward.”
“I won’t think for him and I certainly won’t remember for him,” one woman wrote
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