One of the most daunting aspects of moving in with a partner is having to agree on furniture anddecorationsfor your new home. Even if the two of you have similar taste, there are probably a few posters, chairs or knick-knacks that one of you loves and theotherloathes.
Designing your living space is a great exercise in compromise and can be a wonderful bonding experience. But if you’re both stubborn, it can also create huge issues in the relationship. One man recentlyreached outto Reddit to complain after his wife turned their kitchen into an aesthetic yet impractical space. Below, you’ll find all of the details, as well as a conversation with Dr. Kathy McMahon, President and Founder ofCouples Therapy Inc.
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Couples don’t always see eye to eye on how to decorate their home
Image credits:Prostock-studio / Envato (not the actual photo)
But when this man’s wife started filling their kitchen with impractical decor, he decided to go on a cooking strike
Image credits:ilonadesperada / Envato (not the actual photo)
The man later clarified some details about the situation
Image credits:varyapigu / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits:1WARMBEER
“His criticism is dripping in contempt”
To find out more about this situation, we got in touch withDr. Kathy McMahon, President and Founder ofCouples Therapy Inc, who was kind enough to share her thoughts withBored Panda.
“According to this man, he ‘lets’ his wife ‘get her way’ and ‘doesn’t speak up’ often,” the therapist pointed out. “When he disagrees with her, she cries and accuses him of basically bullying her and being passive-aggressive about not cooking.”
“Let’s break it down: Marriage in Western countries is a democracy, not a Kingdom, so notice the language. He doesn’t ‘let her’ do anything. He agrees to it implicitly or explicitly,” Dr. McMahon explained.
“But the way he phrases it might reveal the underbelly of his grievances: He has been a noble dictator, ‘allowing’ his wife the right todecoratethe rest of his house, but she is ‘taking advantage’ of him when she tries to step on the one room he has an opinion about,” the expert continued.
Dr. McMahon noted that, while this man says his wife has great taste, he’s made it clear that she missed the mark when decoratinghiskitchen. “His criticism is dripping in contempt, describing her bringing home fake fruit, tiny cutting boards with ‘sweet’ sayings, and external trappings of a life they don’t live.”
While it seems like this argument is just about kitchen decor, the expert shared, “Premier couples researcher John Gottman says it’s ‘never about the remote control,’ meaning the fights have more significance. This one appears to be no exception,” she explained. “It’s about power, at least for him. She’s the bully. She wants to dictate everything, including how he works in his own space, and he’s finally put his foot down.”
The therapist also pointed out that the way this man has described his wife makes viewers perceive her as “demanding, entitled, and just unreasonable.”
“Why didn’t he just speak up when the first designer flourish appeared?”
“In response, he won’t use the kitchen for regular hot meals, but instead makes fabulous food that he freezes or leaves ready to eat. What a guy! Even then, the self-absorbed witch won’t eat them. She doesn’t deserve him,” Dr. McMahon continued. “But wait, does he know his wife doesn’t like leftovers? I’m guessing yes.”
“His actions allow him to seem like an exceptionally cooperative spouse dealing with a narcissistic villain,” the therapist says. “And bless her heart, he tells us, she’s ‘gaining weight’ (snicker snicker), all over the placement of a tea set they never use.”
“When I screened clinical calls years ago for my couples therapy practice, I listened to how a spouse discussed their partner not to learn about the partner, but to learn about the speaker,” Dr. McMahon shared. “Here’s my take-away from this man: He sees himself as an easy-going guy who tries to be cooperative. He believes he’s been pushed to his limits. He believes his wife is being unreasonable. He’s deeply resentful and passive aggressive. He doesn’t see his role in the situation he’s in in his marriage.”
“It might have been ideal for him to speak up from the start saying something like, ‘Honey, I love your decorating taste and I don’t have an opinion about any room but the kitchen. That I want veto power over. Deal?’ That would put his desires out front from the start,” she explained. “But this is something I have learned that men who talk like this simply won’t do.”
“He remains silent through the knick-knack invasion until he felt so resentful he just had to speak out,” the therapist continued. “But we ask ourselves, ‘Why?’ Why didn’t he just speak up when the first designer flourish appeared?”
Dr. McMahon says that how you push back against your partner really matters. “My hunch is that this guy builds stuff up until he can’t take it anymore and explodes. Quietly, maybe, but it still shows. That is problem number one.”
“This couple needs to learn how to fight”
So what should couples do instead? “Don’t let it build up. Learn how to complain early and often,” the expert shared. “According to John Gottman, a couple’s researcher, men aren’t usually skilled at complaining. Women make up 80% of the total complaints in a marriage. Men need to learn how to do it, and do it more.”
“Issue two concerns his response to his wife’s tears,” Dr. McMahon added. “He acts like they are Kryptonite, reducing his strength. Women can cry for all kinds of reasons. He implies that she is manipulating him with her tears. This might be the case, and it’s worth having a serious conversation about. Being manipulative is a serious charge. If he doesn’t think it’s manipulation or Kryptonite, maybe he plays a role?”
We still don’t know where the toaster oven and cutting board ended up, but the therapist says she’s curious. “Did he ‘let her have her way’ and only move them to do his periodic meal prep? Did he box up the knick-knacks and leave them in the hallway?”
“Based on his refusal to cook in the current kitchen, my guess is that his wife ‘got her way,’ and his refusal to cook is his protest,” Dr. McMahon continued. “I don’t know about her issues because they are all his view, but wow. He feels contempt toward this woman.”
“Forget about the decorative plates. This couple needs to learn how to fight,” she added. “And he needs to ask himself why he’s living with a woman he has so little respect and so much contempt for.”
Later, the author provided even more background information
Many readers took the husband’s side
However, some pointed out that the relationship has bigger fish to fry
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