Growing up is tough enough. You certainly don’t need a sibling making your life a living hell on top of it. But, as wrong as it may be, bullies will be bullies, and sometimes there’s just no getting away from them, especially when you’re in the same family.
For one woman, her brother bullied her endlessly when they were kids. Now that they’re older, he’s having life-threatening health issues and needs a kidney transplant in a hurry. The woman’s parents expect her to donate but she’s said not so fast. She’s since turned to reddit to ask if she’s the jerk for having doubts.
More info:Reddit
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How far would you go for family? This woman’s parents expect her to give up an organ
Image credits:Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Family’s favorite son made her life a living hell growing up, leaving her with years of childhood trauma to wade through
Now that they’re older, her bullying brother suddenly needs a kidney transplant and the family are looking at her to donate, but she’s not sure since her own health’s not the greatest
Image credits:yourrdesiqueen
Sad, stressed, and confused, she turned to folks on the internet for ask if she was being a jerk for not really wanting to give up a kidney
When OP moved away to college, she cut as much contact with Jake as possible and pieced together a new life for herself. She thought everything was behind her, but now it turns out Jake is suffering from a life-threatening condition and needs a kidney transplant or he’s not going to make it.
OP’s parents reached out to her a few weeks ago asking her if she’d get tested to see if she was a donor match, fully expecting her to go through with donating her kidney if she was. They’re saying it’s her duty as a sister but after everything Jake did to her growing up, OP isn’t sure what to do.
Herparentskeep calling her selfish and saying she’s letting her brother die just because of a grudge, but Jake hasn’t even tried to apologize or reach out to her himself. OP says of course he’s her brother and she loves him but her ownhealthisn’t the greatest and she worries about the negative impact the procedure might have on her, too.
Childhoodtraumacan take a lifetime to wade through, and there’s no doubt here that Jake is reaping what he sowed. Years of toxic behavior have left OP understandably hesitant to do what her parents call her so-called “duty”.
In herarticlefor Psychology Today, Andrea Brandt Ph.D. writes that trauma generates emotions, and unless we process these emotions at the time the trauma occurs, they become stuck in our mind and body. Instead of healing from the wounding event, the trauma stays in our body as energy in our unconscious, affecting our life until we uncover it and work it out.
Brandt goes on to add that, as children, we can’t distinguish our feelings and our “self” – we think we are our feelings. If our feelings aren’t treated as acceptable in a certain situation, we may decide that we aren’t acceptable, too. To heal from childhood trauma, we have to finish the process that should have begun decades ago, when the wounding incident first occurred.
In herarticlefor Choosing Therapy, Rachael Miller writes that we are all products of our environment, and thus childhood trauma often has a deep impact on a person’s adult life. It can often lead to mental health issues like depression, anxiety, PTSD, and substance abuse. What’s more, it can cause individuals to struggle with emotional regulation and self-esteem.
The most challenging aspect of beginning to heal from childhood trauma is that it can be temporarily disruptive. Delving into the impact that childhood trauma has had on you can challenge how you see past events, affect your current relationships, and cause you to seriously rethink aspects of your life.
Miller puts forward 12 tips to dealing with childhood trauma. Some of these include accepting what occurred, acknowledging the impact of the trauma, reaching out for help, learning your trauma triggers, distancing yourself from toxic people, identifying and challenging negative beliefs, and practicing self-compassion.
Before OP can make a decision about becoming a living organ donor, it’s probably best she tries overcoming her painful past with her big brother first. Taking a step away from her toxic parents and laying down some hard boundaries could help, too.
Bored Pandareached out to psychologistDr Mari Kovanento get her take on the situation.
When we asked her what she thought of the parents’ demands that she donate her kidney to her brother, she had this to say, “There seems to be a long history of unequal parenting and favoritism in the family; where one child has been the golden child and the other has been secondary and her feelings have been often dismissed.”
“This dynamic may possibly originate from the mother’s own struggles to bond with her daughter as she may bring about in her the struggles she has with her own mother.” she says.
Kovanen goes on to say, “People end up repeating old parenting behaviors unless they consciously decide to parent differently. The father is then an ally to the mother and they unite in the way they treat their children unequally.”
Kovanen adds that this dynamic of favoritism and dismissal has probably led to the older brother developing a sense of grandiosity and this does not promote healthy self-esteem and being considerate of others.
From the description “he made my life hell”, it seems that the brother has repeatedly treated the sister in a similar fashion to the parents who ignore the sister’s feelings. In this dynamic, the siblings have both been emotionally neglected as children. He has not been taught how to create a good enough relationship with his sister but instead, they are fighting for “scraps” of love.
“The current situation with the older brother having severe health difficulties has brought about the same old relational pattern in the family. He is the priority over her. The parents in their distress expect and pressurize her to help the brother without considering her needs, wishes or health. She is not even given a thought.”
“No one can be pressured to donate against their free will. She has the right to decide for her body. He has also not tried to amend the relationship with his sister or even asked for a donation,” added Kovanen.
We asked Dr. Kovanen for one piece of advice she’d offer OP going forward.
She said, “As a bottom line, she needs to prioritize herself and her health whether it is mental or physical health. She does not owe anything to his brother even if he is a blood relative. There are many potential donors in the world so it may be that she also needs some medical information to help her to understand the whole donor process better.”
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