Bored Pandareached out to redditor u/shmashleyshmith, who sparked the important online discussion, for her thoughts onhow torespond to creepy ‘compliments,’ as well as why men behave this way. You’ll find the practical insights she shared with us below, including how to stay safe when you go out in public.
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I am a tall woman. I am 6 feet tall.(183 cm)A man came up to me and kept commenting on how tall I was. I was very clear I didn’t want my height to be the topic of the conversation but he just did not get it. He kept going on and on about how beautiful I was and how long my legs were and how wonderful it was to find a woman who was as tall as me. Then he leans back to his friend and under his breath says “man, I’m going to climb that mountain” thinking that only his friend could hear him.I told him that this mountain’s a lot like Everest and he would likely die if he tried to climb me. I said it with a straight face, psychopath eyes. He got scared and wandered off.
“So, if we all do our part to minimally embarrass the person who has said something that is totally disgusting and vile towards us, hopefully eventually that person can become a better functioning member of society, and learn to talk to women in a way that would make their mother proud.”
The reality is that if you take this approach, there will be serious safety concerns to consider. “Some men really do not like it when their ego is bruised and may react in a way that could put us in harm’s way. I think the best way to do it is to take an approach when you’re not completely embarrassing them in front of everyone but still get your point across. Maybe pull them aside and say it quietly to them. Or go all in, take the risk, and say it in front of everybody. Create a whole Game of Thrones ‘shame, shame, shame’ walk. It’s up to you.”
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I was at the gym when a creepy old man came up to my elliptical machine and motioned for me to remove my headphones. When I did he told me he “wants to wear my skin like a jumpsuit”. wtf. I left and never went back there again except to cancel my membership.
Redditor u/shmashleyshmith was kind enough to share the basic rules she has set for herself. She told Bored Panda that these rules have helped her feel safer whenever she leaves the house or goes to the bar or club.
“I never go out alone. Though ‘safety in numbers’ is an old rule, it is still around for a reason—it works. Also, drinking alone just makes me sad. If you have a group with you at the bar, you have the judgment of your friends to help direct your choices, if they get a bad vibe from a guy you’re talking to, they will usually tell you. If you are super intoxicated and definitely shouldn’t have been served that last drink, a friend will almost always be there to stop you from going into the parking lot with a stranger or hooking up with the guy who looks like Danny DeVito without your beer goggles on,” she shared.
“If you get in a situation where you feel you need to tell the person they are being weird, creepy, or disgusting, TELL THE PERSON! Your group will back you up and be there to make sure that this creep is 100% less likely to retaliate due to their bruised ego and embarrassment. And you’ll be doing your part in conditioning this person toward saying something nicer to the next one.”
Not a pick up line but my abusive ex said (twice) “bippity boppity, women are property” and that gave me a huge ick both times he said it. I called him out on it too. So glad I broke up with him, he’s gross.
He came up behind me, took a deep breath in my hair and groaned out “You smell like wife"It was our second date.
An ex once said to me “if I could, I’d get you that surgery where they break your shins to make you taller bc I like everything else about the way you look!” (I was wearing very high platform heels)& I was like ok so you’d mutilate my body to make me more like your idealized version of me?…happy to report I dumped him a few weeks later.
Another piece of safety advice, according to the OP, is to carry protection. For example, u/shmashleyshmith admitted that she owns a Taser “that can stop Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson in his tracks.” She also has pepper spray and keeps bear spray at home. “I don’t leave without pepper spray or my Taser. I have only ever used pepper spray once. If I didn’t have it, I may not be here writing this now,” she opened up to Bored Panda.Meanwhile, she urged everyone to be prepared and be ready to scream their lungs out if you need to. “Always know where the nearest exit points are. Have your protection in a place easily accessible at a moment’s notice. Wear GOOD SHOES!! Running in heels may work for Ariana Grande, but for the majority, it’s dangerous and painful. Running barefoot is also not very safe, so I wear cute comfy shoes, always. Also, none of these will matter if you’re too drunk to function. I never get to the point I am so intoxicated that I can’t put together a sentence. You might need this skill to call 911.” She added that you should always trust your intuition, and use good judgment and common sense.
Another piece of safety advice, according to the OP, is to carry protection. For example, u/shmashleyshmith admitted that she owns a Taser “that can stop Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson in his tracks.” She also has pepper spray and keeps bear spray at home. “I don’t leave without pepper spray or my Taser. I have only ever used pepper spray once. If I didn’t have it, I may not be here writing this now,” she opened up to Bored Panda.
Meanwhile, she urged everyone to be prepared and be ready to scream their lungs out if you need to. “Always know where the nearest exit points are. Have your protection in a place easily accessible at a moment’s notice. Wear GOOD SHOES!! Running in heels may work for Ariana Grande, but for the majority, it’s dangerous and painful. Running barefoot is also not very safe, so I wear cute comfy shoes, always. Also, none of these will matter if you’re too drunk to function. I never get to the point I am so intoxicated that I can’t put together a sentence. You might need this skill to call 911.” She added that you should always trust your intuition, and use good judgment and common sense.
A guy asked me out in college and I said no and he responded with “why not go out with me anyway? No one else is interested in you right now”My ex once told me I wasn’t his usual type because I don’t have an hourglass figure. I felt very unfeminine ever since.
I used to work with a guy who openly flirted me to the point it was clear he had a crush on me. He kept saying how young I looked, which I did then, but I was 30 so figure he thought 20 something. One day he blurted out admiringly how I look the same age as his daughter.His daughter at the time was 15.
However, sometimes, the issue is arrogance rather than ignorance. “In this case, I try to embarrass them so they know I am not the one. There is usually no hope for these guys unless they get into therapy and do some serious self-reflection and shadow work,” she said.
“All we can do is your best to make sure that they leave us alone, maybe embarrass them a bit in the process if we feel up to it, and hope that they eventually get the help that they need.”
“I wanna come out of your room and tell your dad you’re not a virgin anymore.“Like… I can’t. If it was just social awkwardness or an extremely bad joke that didn’t land it’d be one thing, but this felt so personal and cutting. It had this undertone of ownership or something to it that I did not like at all. I had confided something personal and it was just used as a disgusting quip. I hate it. It hurts more than anything, honestly.The same goes for “it only takes one joke to get you in bed.” It’s just this attitude of like… I don’t even know. I’ll keep working you until something sticks, and it’s so hurtful. It’s so f***g hurtful still. I’m not something to work on or something to trick to fk. This concept of s*x taking precedence over everything ruined a very special friendship that I had. I never really got over it, honestly.
During a job interview:“And what would you… wear… to this job if you were hired?“It was more the way he said it. But I should have left right there and then.
These individuals need a lot of introspection and maybe the help of a therapist to see how their behavior affects others and why this isn’t acceptable in a civilized society. It’s possible that they lack empathy or that they haven’t ever been called out on their actions in public.
As per WebMD, there are a few mainindicatorsof toxic masculinity. Toxic men tend to be homophobic, have a need for control, want to assert their power, and are very promiscuous. What’s more, they tend to avoid household chores, are prone to risky behaviors, avoid showing their emotions, and are violent in order to show their dominance of the situation.
I have red hair and I think I was in middle school, maybe 12? And some old man stopped me on my way into a pizza place with friends to ask “does the carpet match the drapes”.I remember being so confused and once he left had to ask my friend what that meant.
He was married, and he said, ‘I can treat you better as my number two than any man would treat you as their number one.’ I legit threw my drink on his face which got on his satin shirt, probably ruining it, and walked away. I was so offended.
I was 13 years old in the check out line buying a soda. A man is behind me & says to me, “Wow, you have nice birthing hips.” 🤢.
Everyday Feminismexplainsthat if you want to be respectful of other people’s boundaries while approaching someone, you should keep their body language in mind. For example, if a woman is reading a book or has her headphones on while on the bus, on the train, etc., it’s likely that she wants to be left alone.
“You’d be so hot if you didn’t open your mouth”.
I’m a natural redhead. I’ve been getting the “you must be wild” probably since around 12.MOST recently I had an 80 year old man tell me that he had red hair, but none on his head 😉 like sir, why would you ever feel so comfortable to tell anyone that, let alone the receptionist at your wife’s physical therapy clinic, who didn’t f*****g ask.
When my dad told me he wants to find a woman with my body, who looks like me.
Some women might smile or act polite when approached because they’re nervous or scared, so you shouldn’t automatically assume that they want to continue their interaction with you. So, body language isn’t everything; you need to really listen to what they’re saying in your conversation, too.If you ask for the woman’s number and she says ‘no,’ take therejectionand move on with your life. It’s creepy to be pushy or to pressure someone past this point.
Some women might smile or act polite when approached because they’re nervous or scared, so you shouldn’t automatically assume that they want to continue their interaction with you. So, body language isn’t everything; you need to really listen to what they’re saying in your conversation, too.
If you ask for the woman’s number and she says ‘no,’ take therejectionand move on with your life. It’s creepy to be pushy or to pressure someone past this point.
At 13, I was in a d**g store in the infamous military town of Fayetteville, N.C. I had a womanly, big boob silhouette despite my age. A military guy in camo called out while walking towards me, paraphrasing, “Closing in on subject. Target acquired. Target performing evasive action.” That last was while I was walking away to find my mom. I was freaked out. He gave up when I found her.At 16, my supervisor at the public service internship required for high school graduation, talked about my tight pants and that his wife was prettier than me. (Implying I would be lucky if he screwed me.) He was a muscled, over 30 firefighter and we were in a small room together. Sexual harassment 101. I responded with stonefaced silence and eyebrows of doom.
I was 14. I was diagnosed with an illness that causes joint Hypermobility and seeing an orthopaedic surgeon about some ankle problems. He explained that this made me a “bad candidate for surgery, but fantastic at having babies.” He WINKED when he said it. My Mum was present and I was safe etc but it was so gross.
A guy who I did NOT know in college (my friend bought w**d from him/hooked up with him) called me “the one who got away” because I was “always sexual” (again, I did not know this man). He told me he could “unhinge his jaw and make it vibrate” which was apparently his great oral s*x move. I am still scarred and have so many questions. What a creepy thing to say and a horrible mental image!
Someothercommon sense things to avoid doing (remember, common sense isn’t common) include not staring at women and not following them. You also should never assume that someone will like you romantically just because you’re being respectful and ‘nice.’Being respectful is a fundamental part of interactions with other people, it’s not something special. You are not ‘owed’ romantic attraction because you treat someone like a decent human being, Everyday Feminist writes.
Someothercommon sense things to avoid doing (remember, common sense isn’t common) include not staring at women and not following them. You also should never assume that someone will like you romantically just because you’re being respectful and ‘nice.’
Being respectful is a fundamental part of interactions with other people, it’s not something special. You are not ‘owed’ romantic attraction because you treat someone like a decent human being, Everyday Feminist writes.
I have heard… May I use your thighs as earmuffs? As a ‘‘pickup line” from a stranger from a dating app on first conversation.Another guy in the first conversation said.. I want to kiss your vertical lips. Instantly unmatched.My gay/ asexual ex husband used to say.. I can spend the rest of my life with just your head. I don’t need a body.That explained a lot after I married him. Happily divorced. 😂.
You have 9/10 of the physical attributes I want in a woman. Just grow your hair out and you will be my 10/10.Crusty a*s.
My aunt once went on a date with a guy who told her “ you have the most beautiful eye color, it reminds me of diarrhea.” (Her eyes are a green hazel color).
I was a waitress. A customer said “You are gorgeous. I could go to jail just for looking at you. Are you even old enough to work here?” Me doing my job laughing and telling him that I was 21. Him: “wow! I thought you were 15”. So disgusting!
When I was in college, a guy sidled up to me in the dining hall line and said, ‘I’ve always liked blondes. Maybe it’s because my mother is blonde.’
I was talking to a man I’d just met in Alaska. It was pleasant and he seemed interesting. I mentioned I was thinking about going to welding school and he got this glazed look on his face, looked off into the distance and said wistfully, “Motherhood is so beautiful.”It was just so weird! I’ve never forgotten about it.
A married man at work was trying to come on to me. He asked if I wanted to see the spreadsheet he made that compared pros and cons between me and his wife.
That my hair looks like a dead squirrel he saw in the forest, he meant it as a compliment 😵.
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A patient once tried to guess my ethnicity, when I told him I was Indian he goes “Ooohh I’ve never been with an Indian woman before.”Told him off and then after that I only had my male colleague deal with him, he wasn’t happy that his flirting didn’t work.
I was working as a cashier. I was checking some dude out and asked him if he needed anything else and he said “yeah, your number.” I politely declined and told him I had a boyfriend, to which he replied “So? I’ll make you forget him.”I told him no more firmly and he called me a racist.
Plenty of gross things, but one that still annoys and makes me laugh“You’re oddly attractive”Wtf dude.
“When I get back from having a s**t, do you fancy a dance?”. When I said no, he replied with, “but I’ll wash my hands!”. Still no.
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A guy at a bar told me my lips were made for b**w jobs. 😫 I felt uncomfortable but since I was 20 and very naive, I just giggled.
A guy I dated told me I was like a “dude with a v****a” and he meant it as a compliment. Like I was better than regular women because I was like a dude. He managed to put down women in general while also calling me mannish.I did not take it as a compliment. I instantly felt gross and unfeminine.Note: I 100% support trans men and non binary people, but I am a cis woman and when I was told that I felt very dysphoric since I am cis.
Talking about his preference for plus size women, which I am:“For some fd up reason, I’m really attracted to you”.I was having my hot girl summer at that point and had a ton of confidence. But most of the men I briefly dated seemed to really want to reassure me about the fact that they were indeed attracted to fat women.I didn’t ask, I wasn’t even questioning it - my dating profile had up to date pictures and I looked great. I didn’t think you needed a “fd up reason” to be attracted to me, Kevin 🙃.
‘You’re not like other girls’ aaand I’m out.
I have big [breasts]. I was traveling in Europe with a group of friends, and was standing at the train ticket machine with just one guy friend. A local rando walked up to us, and in broken English, while miming big [breasts] with his hands, congratulated my friend for dating me (we were very much not dating). This weirded me out on multiple levels.
SEVERAL men have told me, when they find out I teach teenagers, say “Oh, I bet they LOVE your class. Do your students ever hit on you? I would have.”These are KIDS you psycho.
Not gross exactly but very wrong: “you don’t look like a scientist”.
I’m Black and this guy was white. I turned him down and he no kidding responded, “I know you want some light skinned babies”.
I was working at a grocery store, I was about sixteen or seventeen, and the greeter, an older man, maybe in his late fifties, told me I looked “just like his third wife”. I asked him how many times he’d been married, and he responded “twice”. He also brought this weird leather bracelet/cuff thing to work and asked me to wear it because he said he wanted to remember how I smelled.Another man asked me to stop wearing deodorant, because the smell of me was giving him b**ers.
When I was 15 years old and working at Subway, I asked a customer, who was a middle-aged man, what condiments he wanted on his sandwich. He replied, ‘Mustard…and you
“I don’t normally go for girls with unnatural coloured hair but go on, you’ll do"It’s not even that bad in the grand scheme of things, but it’s still so dismissive and insulting. This was back in the dark days of Plenty of Fish, and part of his opening message in which he also uses a version of my name that names me cringe and purposefully misnamed the sport I had featured in my photos. Like, what was he even expecting?I wrote back that negging is childish and that he would not do then blocked him.ETA: Oh there was also the gentleman who came in for advice in my job, was lovely while speaking to me, pointed out his wife and grandkids in the cafe opposite, and then later sent an email to confirm a few bits and thank me for help, which he ended with ‘Ps that skirt was lovely, if I were only a decade younger…’. a decade younger he would have still been older than my Dad. That one got passed up to my supervisor to deal with.
Right before we’re about to have s*x (like literally naked in his bed) he goes “wow, you have the body of a black guys girlfriend.” we’re both white. fastest i’ve ever put my clothes back on.
“I would eat a mile of s**t just to wake up next to you!” Grossest and most memorable.
As I bent over to unhook some cables at work, “yeah, that’s exactly how you were in my dream last night” (bent over).I did have a man tell me once that I’m “burning up the world in that dress” - at a grocery store while wearing a fire engine red summer dress with my daughter. It wasn’t appropriate but I actually liked this one so I’m on the fence here.
“You’ve got the cuteness of a woman and the humor of a man.“Honey, I’m EVERY WOMAN. IT’S ALL IN ME. I learned it from Chaka Khan.
“You’ve got those tiny, little girl wrists. So hot.”.
I’ve gotten an Instagram DM before saying, “you have beautiful epicanthic folds.” (I’m Asian.).
I was just talking to a guy, I didn’t really have any intention on ever getting with him but he was pursuing me.He then asked about my body count, but in a very convoluted way.He basically said that it’s okay, he’s open-minded and he “forgives me” for my past, all that matters is that he’s here now. I think he genuinely thought he was being open-minded and nice but the implication that my sexual past was something I needed to be forgiven for & ashamed of was disgusting.I told him off and ghosted.
I was dating this guy in my early 20s and he said jokingly “you know if I take you to my family bbq, you’d stick out like a sore thumb. Thats why I date asians and not brown girls”. He was white and Im south asian. Had to unpack that for a while.
I was seeing a guy that I was on the fence about. He was fun and I thought he was cute but every time we hungout he got drunk and tried to have a “what are we?” convo when I told him in the beginning I didn’t want anything serious. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt that he was just drunk… Until he met my friends for the first time. Idk how we got on the topic of eye color but he said, in front of everyone, that my eyes were “S**t brown” in an effort to be funny I guess? My friends were bewildered, as was I lol. Lost all interest in him that night.
Years ago, but I will never forget it: “I just want you to know that you’re giving these light skin girls a run for their money”. He was basically saying I’m pretty for a dark skin girl. 😒 He would see me almost daily at work and barely acknowledged me. But that day he literally ran to stop the elevator I was on just to give me that “compliment”. So insane.
A guy I was chatting and sharing pictures with said my crotch looked good in one of the photos. It was a photo of me in a jumpsuit at a wedding.
A line that is forever etched in my memory from when I was 17 (omg, that’s now 35 years ago!!) was from this sweet guy who while holding my hand told me my hands reminded him of his grandmother’s hands. It was supposed to be endearing I suppose but eww, such a turn-off!Once a dude told me not to refer to his dk as a penis. “It’s a ck!” he shouted. Gross. I really didn’t want to talk about it or touch it anyway.
“You’re really blossoming” - a random guy in my work place said that to me while I was pregnant. He tried to hit on me a lot when I was pregnant, but that was the grossest thing he said to me.
“Do you shave?” Right out of the gate.
Some random guy came up to me and asked if I had any children and obviously I said no. He asked if I wanted one. I said no I have a boyfriend(which I didn’t so I lied ) and took off. So creepy approach.
Also a teenager. Had a job at a little deli/restaurant. I was biting my lip in concentration trying to remember something. My grown-a*s male boss said, “don’t bite your lip like that, you don’t know where it’s been.“Also, my second job ever after college, I joined a gym with my new salary. My female boss asked me one day, “are you losing weight?” I said “I don’t know, maybe.” She said, “why?” in a nasty mean girl way.F**k entitled managers.
Context, I am tall. “Can I wear my high heels, will you then dance with me?” PUKE.
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