If any long-term relationship is going to last, the couple needs to be in agreement about questions regarding things like where they will live and having kids. The latter in particular is something there has to be mutual agreement on, otherwise the relationship is going to be particularly unhappy for one of the partners.
A 57-year-old man withcriminally poor self-awarenessasked the internet if he was a jerk for ditching his girlfriend of 25 years because she was menopausal and he suddenly wanted kids. People online gave him a reality check and told him exactly how horribly he had screwed up.
As long as everyone is in agreement, having or not having kids are both a valid choice
Image credits:PerfectWave003 (not the actual photo)
But one man at the age of nearly 60 suddenly decided that he wanted kids and dumped his long-term girlfriend
Image credits:Isaac Quesada (not the actual photo)
Image credits:ThrowawyAffectio806
Not having kids is becoming the new normal
Slowly, almost unnoticeably,the general trendamong couples is to simply skip having children. While over the last few decades, this might have been the default, it seems that in this day and age, couples instead weigh the pros and cons of having kids first before deciding. The result, like in OP’s story, is that many chose to forgo having kids at first. After all, if you can barely sustain yourself, giving a kid a horrible childhood is irresponsible and dumb.
By itself, OP’s story wouldn’t even be that bad. He and his girlfriend were in agreement. The idea of possibly having kids later when you have a more comfortable life is entirely rational and noble, compared to what some couples do. What is absolutely ignoble is to suddenly have a change of heart at a time when it’s quite impractical.
In general, it is good to split up when it comes to these sorts of questions. If one partner really insists on having or not having a child, the other can go along with it, but if they don’t agree with the choice, they will carry this resentment for the rest of their lives. Resentment can be suppressed for a time, but it will always find a way to rear its ugly head.
Image credits:juan mendez (not the actual photo)
People are often somewhat dishonest about what they actually want
Research on this topic is sporadic, as couples that vehemently disagree on this question tend not to stay together (as is the case with OP’s story.) At the same time, one partner in a relationship might have an opinion that differs from the other one. Knowing that his information could harm the relationship, they keep it to themselves.
Indeed, in OP’s story, he described it as an internal crisis, which was probably eating away at him for longer than he would have admitted. Research into this topic does suggest that generally,the final vetodoes go to the woman. Unless there is some significant coercion, ultimately they can comply or not comply with the demand to have a child. This doesn’t mean that every woman with a child wants it, but that in a healthy relationship, a woman tends to have the final say.
What complicates this issue is that our opinions are, for better or worse, not static. Research shows that both genderswill often change their mindat some point. An opinion isn’t binary, you might have a preference but not a strong desire for something. This can at times be the ultimate test of a relationship, the ability to find common ground, compromise and hear each other out.
Image credits:Dương Nhân (not the actual photo)
We still have to be realistic about what we want from our partners
However, our desires, particularly towards our partners, still need to be grounded in reality. In a vacuum, leaving a relationship, even a longer one, due to irreconcilable differences is not a bad thing. However, OP is nearly 60. Even if he was quite healthy, he would not live to see his child’s thirtieth birthday. While it would be possible to adopt an older child, the fact that his girlfriend’s in menopause being such a deal-breaker also indicates that it’s important that he have a biological child.
Ultimately, OP made a mistake and either needs to realize his delusions, apologize, and attempt to make amends or learn to now live without the person who supported him through thick and thin. He stated that they were literally selling plasma at some point, and this woman didn’t leave him yet. While a relationship isn’t and shouldn’t be transactional, he should have perhaps been more content with what he has and not thrown away nearly three decades of work.
Image credits:Paweł L. (not the actual photo)
Readers called out OP for his disastrous thinking
Viktorija Ošikaitė
Gabija Palšytė
Rugilė Žemaitytė
Relationships
