Dating is supposed to be about finding a romantic partner. Interestingly, for some people, it’s all about getting a free meal. There’s even a term for it –“foodie calls”(wordplay on “booty calls,” get it?). In fact, in 2019,researchersfound that 23-33% of women agreed to go on dates to get a free meal. And while there’s no data for same-sex couples, we can probably figure that it happens as well.Like for this person, for example. Recently, a guy shareda storyof how his date blew him off just because he didn’t agree to a dinner at a place the date picked. Yet he refused to be made a fool of and came up with a brilliantpetty revengestrategy.
Bored Pandareached out to gay dating and relationship coaches Dario van der Kraken and Trevor Kuhn. They both weighed in on the situation and discussed with us whether going on dates for a free meal is ethical, whether it happens less frequently in the queer dating scene, and whether dinner in general is a good option for a first date. Read their expert insights below!
Coach Dario|Instagram
Trevor Kuhn|Instagram
Dating is never easy, doesn’t matter if you’re straight or gay
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This man decided to get back at his potential date after finding out he was being used for a free meal
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Image credits:Airam Dato-on / Pexels (not the actual photo)
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Using dating as a chance to get a free meal is just wrong
Life coach Dario said that such situations might not be about a free meal. “Think about it: would someone endure a terrible evening (that you 100% know it’s going to be terrible) just for a free dinner? Highly unlikely. Even if we’re talking about dinner at a high-end spot like Nobu Malibu, where tables are impossible to book,” the coach observes.
“Ethically, I’m not sure: it involves using someone else’s time and possibly feelings just for personal gain — but I’m sure it’s not nice. How would you feel if someone did the same thing to you?” the relationship expert poses a hypothetical question.
As far as data goes, there isn’t much about queer people using dates for a free meal. “But I think it might be a lot less frequent because the dynamic might differ,” coach Dario says. “Typically, there’s a culture of splitting the bill, so the incentive for a ‘free meal’ isn’t as pronounced as in heterosexual dating. However, that doesn’t mean it never happens, just that it might be less common,” he adds.
Trevor Kuhn also doesn’t think this happens often for same-sex male couples. “Those bills add up quick! Even whengoing Dutch. Does it happen? Sure. There are gay cheapskates in every community. But I don’t think it’s very common for a gay man to spend time with a guy he isn’t interested in, even for a free meal.”
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Gay men seldom choose dinner as an option for a first date
“Gay men tend to be extra picky about who they spend their time with,” Kuhn says. “If they aren’t into it, they’ll avoid, delay, or ghost someone instead of obliging to dinner, which is going to be a solid 2-hour hang out.”
Coach Dario advises opting for a less formal first meeting as well. “Dinner is such a high-commitment first date: we’re talking about no less than 2 hours, forced to sit down, without even the opportunity to cut it short in case things go south.”
“Dinner is too formal for a first date [in] this day and age. A coffee or a drink is a great low-commitment activity that can help understand if there is mutual interest without the pressure of a dinner. It’s easier to manage expectations and less likely to leave anyone feeling used.”
Trevor Kuhn agrees. “The majority of gay men are less likely to ‘grab dinner’ on a first date. We see it as a costly endeavor that doesn’t feel worth it if we are going on several first dates that don’t lead anywhere.”
Coach Trevor also points out that the dynamics in gay dating are different from that of heterosexual dating. “There is a rule straight men wish existed that the person who gets treated is expected to put out. This rule does not exist for gay men either, but it’s definitely swirling around in men’s heads.
“Now, two men sleeping together on a first date when they are both into each other is quite common. But if one is just there for the food, where does that leave him? You’re not splitting the bill AND you have to go?”
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Queer dating etiquette is a bit more complex
When dating, many single people fret the question: “Who pays on the first date?” It may seem that more and more people choose not to adhere to traditional gender roles, yet this one still persists in the heterosexual dating arena.In 2019, men (64%) and women (46%) still believed that the man should pay for the first date.
But what about the times when there are two men or two women on a first date? What’s the etiquette then?
Coach Dario tells Bored Panda that the correct date etiquette should be to always split the bill on the first date. “It creates an atmosphere of equality in the relationship. You can always treat your date to dinner in the future. And always communicate openly about intentions. It can save both parties from misunderstanding and ensure that everyone is on the same page.”
Kuhn admits that there are some caveats when it comes to who pays. “In some cases, the invitee is not prepared to afford half of the bill in some pricey restaurant (a whole other topic on dating etiquette). The important things to consider at the end of the date are:
“If he says ‘I’ll grab the next one!’ or ‘Let’s do this again,’ there’s a strong chance he is interested in more than just this one free dinner. If he’s more like ‘This was great,’ ‘Thanks for the dinner,’ [or] ‘You didn’t have to get this (yes you did),’ without any offer of splitting or making a follow-up date, he’s probably a goner.”
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