The concept offamilyis still very important in our society. We say that our values and what kind of person we are come from our family. Yet the reality is that more and more children don’t maintain contact with their parents once they leave the nest.
A shift in values is the main reason experts cite when it comes to family estrangement. Shontel Cargill, LMFT, explained toVoguethat adults now prioritize their mental health and well-being. They choose to cut off their toxic or abusive family members to safeguard their emotional health.
Bored Pandareached out to two experts in the field of family estrangement. The first one is Family Estrangement Specialist Coach and ResearcherDr. Becca Bland. She’s the founder ofStand Alonecharity in the UK, which helps adults who are estranged from their parents or children.
The other is PsychotherapistTina Gilbertson, the author ofReconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Childand host of the biweeklyReconnection Club Podcast. Both experts kindly agreed to share their insights about family estrangement with us.
This post may includeaffiliate links.
Although the reasons for family estrangement can be many, Dr. Becca Bland says her research from the University of Cambridge shows three main ones. Although they are not exhaustive, they are as follows:Historic abuse and domestic violence;Divorce and remarriage;Differences in morals, values, and beliefs.Psychotherapist Tina Gilbertson agrees. “Adult children stop communicating with theirparentsfor many reasons, but the essential problem is how they feel in the relationship. Usually, it’s not the unchangeable past that’s the sticking point. There are current dynamics in play, such as the parent’s inability or unwillingness to understand, acknowledge, or effectively address a negative experience in the present.“Dr. Bland also makes some observations from her own specialist practice. “I can see that adult children often feel a lack of safety in raising issues with their parents. As such, the dynamic doesn’t have the capacity to handle conflict and the skills torepair the relationship.”
Although the reasons for family estrangement can be many, Dr. Becca Bland says her research from the University of Cambridge shows three main ones. Although they are not exhaustive, they are as follows:
Psychotherapist Tina Gilbertson agrees. “Adult children stop communicating with theirparentsfor many reasons, but the essential problem is how they feel in the relationship. Usually, it’s not the unchangeable past that’s the sticking point. There are current dynamics in play, such as the parent’s inability or unwillingness to understand, acknowledge, or effectively address a negative experience in the present.”
Dr. Bland also makes some observations from her own specialist practice. “I can see that adult children often feel a lack of safety in raising issues with their parents. As such, the dynamic doesn’t have the capacity to handle conflict and the skills torepair the relationship.”
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Yes, there are plenty of reasons dating back to my childhood to be angry with my mother, but I decided when I became a mother myself to forgive her. I was an idiot. She earned my utter disdain all over again. For anyone who has cut off their parents I urge you not to give the bastards another chance to betray you.For me, the reason I cut off my mother a second time comes down to 2 categories;Manipulation) my mother manipulated me into putting up with constant verbal abuse of me, my husband, 2 out of my three children (for some inexplicable reason she hated my son since the day he came home from the hospital) she would tell me how much she adored us, while putting us down with the next breath. She lived with us and although she was well below retirement age she worked for 3 months in those ten years. My husband supported her financially and yet she verbally abused him until he would not leave the bedroom when she was in the house. She would often take our youngest child aside and tell her she was the only “good” member of the family. She said she supported me emotionally, but would tell people I no longer wrote (when I was managing to turn out roughly a novel a year). She then complained that I didn’t share my work with her but every thing I did, from writing, to my appearance, to cooking, to my personal taste in music she had a back handed insult for. I once had a great public reading before a very hard audience and all the way home she calmly explained to me why it had not been a success. Every morning when I began to to write she would do everything to distract me, beginning with turning the t.v. on full blast and ending with stomping around the house shouting about being ignored. I could not go on a date with my husband without her getting in her car and following us, then sitting at the table beside mine and saying “I’m not allowed to sit with them”. When I had sex, with my own husband, in my own bedroom after the children had gone to bed she moved a chair beside the bedroom door and sat there coughing and sighing loudly. When confronted about any of this behavior she either denied that it had taken place at all or she somehow shifted the blame so that everything was my )or my husband’s fault). Add to this she never swept the floor, cleaned a single bathroom, or washed a dish on the time she lived with us, instead she pouted, mocked, and generally threw a fit when we cleaned the house, telling our children we were “crazy” for cleaning. I tried to make healthy meals (my mother is diabetic) but she would refuse what she referred to as my “hippy food” and would instead spend what money she had on fast food that would send her blood sugar sky high. She refused to go to the bank or the hospital for routine check ups unless I dropped everything to accompany her. She refused to do anything unless I accompanied her and if I did anything that was not about her she would huff and pout and rail.Lies) I explained that my husband and I were leaving the state with the kids and not taking her with us. I soon afterwards discovered after confronting her about the verbal abuse and manipulation and that she had been lying to all our friends and family for years, telling them I had taken financial advantage of her (she never paid a single bill in all the years she lived with us and threw a hissy fit during the three months she worked and I asked her to buy a few groceries) What enrages me is that anyone actually believes her. Not only have I cut my mother out of my life I have decided it’s not worth the effort to convince anyone stupid enough to believe that I was sponging off of her. There was nothing there to sponge.I know this is rambling and disjointed but years after the fact I am still too angry to write about it calmly.Nothing in the world could convince me to give her the opportunity to harm me again.
Dr. Bland observes that parents often don’t have the emotional capacity to have these kinds of conversations. “I often see parents who simply don’t have the skills to make a space safe for anadult childwho wants to share their thoughts, feelings, and needs. It’s hard to hear negative feedback, and they may deflect and call the adult child sensitive, selfish, or entitled. This pushes people away further and reduces any faith that the dynamic can change.”
It might seem like there are more and more adult children who go no-contact with their parents. But Dr. Bland says that there is no evidence in research to suggest this. “There isn’t any longitudinal study to show an increase or decrease. However, due to more focus on the issue in the press, we have a greater societal dialogue around it.““This gives an illusion [that] it’s on the rise, but, in reality, we are simply talking about it more,” Dr. Bland clarifies. “It is important that we talk about it more and allow space and dialogue in society for the grief. It’s also important to understand these decisions are never flippant and are often long considered and incredibly painful to make.”
It might seem like there are more and more adult children who go no-contact with their parents. But Dr. Bland says that there is no evidence in research to suggest this. “There isn’t any longitudinal study to show an increase or decrease. However, due to more focus on the issue in the press, we have a greater societal dialogue around it.”
“This gives an illusion [that] it’s on the rise, but, in reality, we are simply talking about it more,” Dr. Bland clarifies. “It is important that we talk about it more and allow space and dialogue in society for the grief. It’s also important to understand these decisions are never flippant and are often long considered and incredibly painful to make.”
Yes. I am an Indian. India is known for its family bonding where people stay in a same roof with their parents even after getting married and having a child.I have completely cut off ties with my family. I eloped with the guy I loved as my family was not ready for inter caste. They think that they have disowned me but in reality I have disowned them because they couldn’t see my happiness. They couldn’t let me decide whom do I want to spend the rest of my life with even after being an adult. What’s the point of relations where it is just for the sake of society and not for each other’s happiness. My family has not tried to reach me in years nor have I tried to tell them about my existence. I am happy in my life and they are happy in theirs.
Tina Gilbertson adds that it’s hard to measure the incidence of family estrangement, since only 20 years ago, there was almost no research on the topic. “Even now, in quantitative research, there’s still an open question of how to define estrangement. There’s a lot of speculation about estrangement increasing, but for the moment, that’s all we have: speculation.”
Because I am a victim of child abuse my parents k*lled my soul when i was a child + I don’t believe in rebirth so I want to live my remaining life peacefully no matter what people say and I will not forgive them no matter what…
“What is clear is that there’s more open discussion about it today, whereas family estrangement used to play out mainly in the shadows of society. My own grandmother disowned her parents back in the 1930s,” Gilbertson shares. “But [she] didn’t talk about it. My mother simply never met those grandparents.”
When I was 16, I told my father that I wanted to learn how to do my own laundry. My father said, “I don’t want you to!” At age 16, After I saw my older brother get a letter in the mail from a company that my father had invested in the stock market for my older brother, I asked my father to teach me how to invest in the stock market. My father said, “I don’t want you to!” At age 16, I told my father that I wanted to go to college, even after my older brother had dropped out. My father said, “I don’t want you to!” Then I said, “But dad. I want me, to want me, to go to college.” My father then said that if I wanted to go to college, that I had to pay for it myself. So, I did! I graduated. I moved out & far away.
When I was younger, my childhood seemed fairly normal. However, as I got older I realized things weren’t as normal as I had thought. Looking back, I realize my father took us on drug deals, had us in unsafe situations, was constantly drinking and being violent as a result. He was in and out of jail and prison while I was growing up. But he was my dad, so I let it go and allowed him back into my life.As I got older, he kept doing the same things and making the same mistakes. Since I was older, I was allowed to decide if I wanted to continue visitations with him. I decided not to. As time went on, and he got divorced from his second wife, his lifestyle and poor choices continued to spiral out of control.Eventually he was involved in a violent crime, where he assaulted another person during a drug related incident. He ended up in prison, again. He was charged with multiple crimes, including assault and r**e. He is currently serving a 14 year sentence in prison.Although I have forgiven him for putting us through these things, and not being there like a father should be, I dont feel the need to allow him back into my life. I do feel like forgiveness is helpful, but reconciliation is not always necessary. You can forgive someone, without giving them back the power to hurt you again. That’s why I no longer talk to my father.
Luckily, individuals seeking professional help due to estrangement issues have more options nowadays. “There are more and more individual support practitioners training in this area,” Dr. Becca Bland says. “There are also, thankfully, more specialist training programs emerging. Finding non-judgemental support is crucial to process this difficult experience of family and the complex grief that comes with it,” she believes.
Primarily for trying to break up my marriage because they did not “approve” of the person.First time it happened when I had dinner with them (my then-fiance was at the table as well), and my mother proceeded to speak to me in our language (my fiance did not speak this language) asking whether I can leave him.Second and final time, when I thought that I could have overreacted, and I called my mother to speak to her. At that time, I was expecting a child, so my thought was to establish peace and then break the great news to her.Instead, she proceeded with asking me when will I leave my husband.It was a final straw. I never spoke with her since (a decade now) and not planning on doing so until she comes to her senses.
Dr. Becca Bland is one of the professionals who help adults deal with estrangement. “I run a powerful group program that allows adult children to process their loss and grief together with others.““These types of groups have been studied and their impact is considerable,” she points out. “It is such a widely misunderstood issue, and finding others who understand adds a social dimension to how we process, move forward, and integrate these experiences.”
Dr. Becca Bland is one of the professionals who help adults deal with estrangement. “I run a powerful group program that allows adult children to process their loss and grief together with others.”
“These types of groups have been studied and their impact is considerable,” she points out. “It is such a widely misunderstood issue, and finding others who understand adds a social dimension to how we process, move forward, and integrate these experiences.”
A lot of things.1. I suffered both physical and mental abuse from them2. Bias amongst siblings. My brothers receive more recognition and love as compared to me, I’m a girl.3. They believe that I don’t deserve tertiary education.4. Whatever I love to do, they hate it and always try their best to sabotage it.5. They were never there for me, they never respect me, never support me.6. They believe that my depression is a joke and that I’m just lacking of attention.These are just some to name a few.
It is difficult, but sometimes the right choice. I will not speak for everyone because I only know my experience, but I have cut ties with my mother. I am 20 years old and have not spoken to her since I was 18/19. I had a difficult childhood where she abused substances, emotionally and verbally abused me, and at times, she was physical. She attempted to control every aspect of my life and make me second guess all of my choices.The choice is hard to make, even though I spent years dreaming of it. After the final straw, I cried. I got therapy, which I still attend. Sometimes I mourn her and think about what could have been.But she robbed me of my childhood and I will not let her rob me of the rest of my life. My life without her is a relief.
Dr. Bland stresses the importance of talking to someone when you’re estranged from a family member. We should address it “as a grief” and “allow others space to share their feelings,” the expert says.“If you have a friend who is going through it, then it’s important to give space for the complexity and feelings rather than minimize [them],” Dr. Bland explains.“It can be easy to think these situations can be easily fixed or judge people for letting go of family members. But in reality, family trauma is a considerable challenge for an individual to navigate. The space adult children take is often very necessary to help them heal, grow, and become whole.”
Dr. Bland stresses the importance of talking to someone when you’re estranged from a family member. We should address it “as a grief” and “allow others space to share their feelings,” the expert says.
“If you have a friend who is going through it, then it’s important to give space for the complexity and feelings rather than minimize [them],” Dr. Bland explains.
“It can be easy to think these situations can be easily fixed or judge people for letting go of family members. But in reality, family trauma is a considerable challenge for an individual to navigate. The space adult children take is often very necessary to help them heal, grow, and become whole.”
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It was the day of my mother’s funeral after a very fast illness and sudden, unexpected death. My husband had run an errand for Dad. He was gone about an hour. During that hour, one sister (older, middle) cornered me as I sat at the dining table. She spent most of that time telling me what a horrible person I was, listing every perceived mistake I had ever made in my life, all the times I had disrespected her, etc. When my husband came home he found me sobbing, curled into a fetal ball behind the guest bed.That afternoon and for the rest of that weekend I would not be in the same room with her. I spent my time composing a long email listing every claim she had thrown at me and why each was wrong (or blown out of proportion). It was all I could emotionally manage.She never even acknowledged the email, let alone apologize for being such a bully. I waited two weeks and sent another email, asking if she got the first one. She acknowledged that she did. That’s all. Just a “yes I got it.”I have not spoken to her since. And because my other older (oldest) sister just stood there, I have barely spoken to her. Their emails are automatically filtered to trash. They don’t even know my phone number in Spain, where I now live. I no longer have any sibling photos on the “photo wall” in the hallway. I consider myself an only child. I will not return to the US for either of their funerals when the time comes. They are not welcome to visit me in Spain and I don’t even want them notified when I die.
Although going no-contact might be better for one’s mental health, psychotherapist Tina Gilbertson explains that it’s still not an easy thing to do. “While there may be relief in getting away from a painful situation, it’s hard to behappyabout removing your parents from your life.”
I disowned my parents. My mom because for the past 6 yrs she has been in an abusive relationship. We as a whole family have helped her, gave her money, gave her places to stay and so on. But she continued to go back. I just cant comprehend why. If all of these horrible things are going on why. It has started to cause me to become a person i dont recognize. I get so angry and violent. And thats not the person i am nor do i want to be that person. She was a good mom but made bad decisions, especially when it came to relationships she had.When she would get mad at me she would say things to me, things you just shouldn’t say to children. Even if you did apologize it wasnt right. Any way i just recently helped her out of the relationship again, and i gave her a choice. Either it was the family or him. Well she chose him, so i have walked away. Its toxic. And drama. I dont understand.My father i disowned him because i felt like he put Batman and comic con before his family. I know this sounds ridiculous. But he literally lives down my road and would never stop. Never called to check on his grandchildren. Miss his granddaughters first birthday. Misses my sons 4th birthday. Pretend that he didnt know who I was talking about on the phone. And when i called him out on all these things , i was the bad person. I am selfish. I care only for money and i was a spoiled cunt. These were the things said to me. By my father. I guess i shouldn’t have been surprised tho. I know he has a temper. But then he told me i was dead to him. So …. And now i have no desire to fix it. Ive bee through so much with them both. And its not the kind of example i want around my kids.I mean its cool to follow your dreams like my dad does. I just wanted him to spend more time with his grandchildren. And my mom i just want her to be the woman she once was. When i was growing up she always told me to stand up for myself. And not to let a man put his hands on you. I just dont understand. So i just gave up on trying. I dont want to keep helping if she is going to continue this viscous cycle. I dont know if im wrong or right. But. I dont know what else to do. I dont want my children growing up, Seeing and being around what i had to deal with as a child. They didnt ask for this. I want whats best for them. And if that means not talking to them or seeing them than. Thats what ill do.
My parents are toxic. Im never allowed to address anything with them, or have any negative emotions, or else theyll stop talking to me. Whem they do things that hurt me, they just say well that’s the past, even if it was 10 min ago, or they wont allow me to talk with them about it at the time. They favor their other kids, and treat me like the scapegoat. Just not worth it, in my opinion.
“And despite the growth of support for going no-contact in the last few years, there’s still plenty of social and internal pressure to reconnect with parents. [This] means disowning your parents is still not an easy path to walk. So, parents should focus on why their adult children are interested in estrangement, rather than wondering whether they’re jumping on some sort of bandwagon,” the psychotherapist explains.
I haven’t ran-away or disowned my parents, but I’ll be doing so very soon.My parents aren’t exactly bad people, but I view them as stubborn and ignorant. Understanding their background, I can’t hold it against them. My father is a Vietnam refugee who was torn from his parents at ~15, and my mother had her education cut short, despite her dreams to become a teacher. My grandmother passed away when my mother was a child and then lost her chance at schooling due to cost.So why do I want to leave so bad? Asian stereotype here, but the marks the expect is very strict. Never have they hit me once, surprising for an Asian family, but mentally it takes a huge toll. The expectation is 95+ in the IB program (in Canada, I’ll be honest, I’m not sure if being Canadian makes a difference, but I heard US has different scaling) and that’s something I can’t do on a normal day.I’ve come to love animating, and just picked up GFX design, and even then my parents can’t accept that I love these things and expect me to become a doctor. (again, Asian stereotype) Where I thought I would get support and love for what I want to do, all I get is just my relatives conveniently driving me away from animating and offering family business jobs.Now I still love my parents, and in some ways show that they love me, and I don’t want to leave them, but it’s too much to hold mentally. I tried to change my parents, explaining that my current marks are perfectly fine and I can still be successful, but they just won’t budge. If you’re looking for an opinion on to leave your parents or not (just in case), try and try again to make it up with your parents. If you can’t see change and the attempts come at the expense of your health, the last resort is disowning them. -Shotonne
I just couldn’t deal with them anymore. There was always this pressure to be something I wasn’t. They were trying to be supportive but in all the wrong ways. They never understood what or who I was no matter how hard I tried to explain it.I had to be done with them. It was the only way I’d even get better.It worked. Cutting them out of my life helped so much. I highly recommend it to anyone. Family are more often than not more of a burden than a help. They will drag you down with them if given the time of day.
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Them being arseholes? And being really not happy about my wife and children being black.That’s pretty much the end of it.
Because I wasn’t allowed to live my life. I was in my mid 20’s, my Dad had just passed. My mom was phoning me every 20 minutes. Even when I told her that I wouldn’t be home. I consulted a lawyer and found out that she had to respect my boundaries and if she didn’t I was fully in the clear to cut her off.She never listened, I cut all contact. It’s been 8 years since I last spoke to her, I only regret not cutting her off sooner.
Not sure if it’s in the same field… but…I hadn’t legally disowned anyone since that’s too much hassle, and he more disowned me than anything. My biological father wasn’t really there until my 18th birthday, but I was already so used to him being out of the picture it didn’t matter as to him bonding with me. Though my boyfriend, friends, and myself find it odd how he suddenly took interest in his daughter once she became a legal adult for an U.S. Citizen. So it’s more of a social disowning and creepy acceptance thing than a legal disowning like what you are asking about.
Just one parent, my father.If he wasn’t related to me, I would not have had him in my life, because his beliefs and behavior were deal breakers for me.
My parents are very unhealthy people for me to be around or to communicate with. On the principle of “put on your ow oxygen mask” I have not spoken with them in years. But we’re adults, it’s different if you’re a kid.
Oh my adoptive liars?Fraudulent guardianshipStolen lifeStolen homeStolen moneyI despise themI know how to fix thingsI’m going to send the wolves packing in a fewI detest themBob had his issues, but it’s no wonder he was angry at life, he raised absolute defecation for people
I’m a 27 year old Male and I have no logical reason, and still dont know, why I disowned my family. I’m just starting to make slow progress with reconnecting with only close family.I left my parents and younger brother when I was 19 and didnt talk to them or any family member for six nearly seven years. To this day I still have trouble explaining to myself why I never wanted to see them again. I don’t even remember how old I was (maybe 13) when I decided I was gonna move out and never talk to any of them again. I know I just wanted to be independent but there was also an unexplainable hatred towards them for no reason. They weren’t the perfect parents but they never treated me wrong and raised me well. I just think our communication was poor. To this day I think there’s something wrong with me. I’m spiteful and hate small talk with strangers and my parents and family all started to feel like strangers who didn’t know me. But I felt like I could predict their every action and their loving words felt faked even though they were genuine. They repulsed me and annoyed me for no explainable reason. Even when they were just being charismatic good people asking how my day was or telling me they loved me. It annoyed me to no end and I just convinced myself they were incompetent idoits and focused on every little mistake they made. I thought about how I would raise a child completely differently with tough love and harsh rationality.I was 100% committed to keeping the promise to myself that I would leave every family member and never need to talk to them again.Years down the line I thought I could forget them but that is impossible. You can never truly forget the ones that raised you. My guilt persuaded me to call them almost 7 years later and I will say my communication with them is still not the best. It’s very hard to talk with them for too long but I feel better about myself for trying more and more. I still have trouble picking up the phone when they call. I wish someone could explain it to me because I sound crazy and cant explain it to myself. I still dont feel like I will ever love them as people but I know I felt bad for them and feel better for my own conscious that I’m making a small effort.I saw a psychiatrist when I was 17 and they said I had ADD, mild depression, and some short term memory problems. Not too out of the ordinary.
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