Considering the fact that weddings are supposed to be all about celebrating a happy couple, there sure are a lot of societal expectations that come along with them. In many Western countries, brides are expected to wear white, receptions are expected to serve alcohol, and it’s assumed that the occasion will be a family-friendly, timeless celebration.
And while one couple has decided they’re going to shirk expectations and plan a wedding according to their own unique interests, the brides’ mothers have had trouble expressing support.Below, you’ll find thefull storythat one of the brides shared on Reddit, as well as conversations with wedding expertsClaudia Sokolova, Suki Lanh ofOffbeat Wed, and Valentina Ring ofThe Stars Inside.
This woman and her fiancé have chosen a unique wedding theme tailored to their interests
Image credits:Omelnickiy (not the actual photo)
But their mothers have been very vocal about their disapproval
Image credits:SchemeLong4640
Image credits:Lobachad (not the actual photo)
“Unless the family is paying for the wedding, they should have minimal say on how you spend your money”
“Unless the family is paying for the wedding, they should have minimal say on how you spend your money. Period,” saysClaudia Sokolova, ofThe Big Day events. “The influence of a family and the pressures they bring are astronomical, and it’s not the 60’s anymore. People get married because they want to, not because of cultural norms. Sure, we adhere to them a lot of the time with weddings. But the point is, parents need to either accept their children and what they want or pay for it in full – simple.”
According toSuki Lanh, assistant editor atOffbeat Wed, a family’s involvement and advice should be dependent on however much the marriers are willing to accept. “What it comes down to is the marriers’ values and boundaries,” she explained. “Whether or not your family has agreed to pay for your wedding, it’s certainly not fun to feel like your agency and voice have been taken away. Especially on a day that’s about celebratingyourlove!”
International wedding planner Valentina Ring, ofThe Stars Inside, also weighed in on the topic, noting that it should ultimately be the couple’s decision how much their loved ones are involved. “Some couples very much enjoy having their parents be a part of the process, or perhaps planning alongside close friends or other dear family members; others find that the emotional highs and lows of the planning journey actually exacerbate tensions between them and their family or friends, especially where money is involved,” she explained.
“The bottom line is that every couple’s wedding should align with their own priorities, nobody else’s, and every single bride or groom out there is owed the freedom to decide what is genuinely right for them,” Valentina continued. “What they invest in, how they choose to host their guests, which traditions they want to pay homage to – all of this is theirs, and theirs alone. There is no right or wrong, there is no rulebook, and there is no ‘should’ when it comes to wedding planning.”
Image credits:Askar Abayev (not the actual photo)
Nontraditional weddings are growing in popularity and can be just as beautiful as any other celebration
The experts also noted that unique weddings are becoming increasingly popular and can be extremely well done. “I have seen a lot [of nontraditional weddings] on TikTok, and they are just as beautiful as a ‘normal’ wedding,” Claudia shared. “It’s your day, you should wear whatever you want.”
Suki also says she’s very familiar with dark wedding themes. “And they’re all GORGEOUS,” she told Bored Panda. “The folks who read the Offbeat Wed blog come to us because they love all things nontraditional. We accept reader wedding submissions, and I wholeheartedly believe our readers are the most creative people in the game!”
Valentina also says that colored dresses definitely have a place in bridal attire and groomswear, noting that it’s actually becoming rare for couples to opt for the traditionally assigned male and female outfits. “White dresses are still prevalent of course, but even brides that choose these will often opt for accessories or an evening dress that is more playful, and maybe show off their style even more,” the expert explained.
“Internationally renowned bridal designers like Vera Wang, Leanne Marshall, David’s Bridal, Galia Lahav, and Maggie Sottero, to name a few, have all showcased gorgeous black wedding gowns in their collections – and we’ve seen a number of celebrities like Sarah Jessica Parker, Christine Quinn, and Chloë Sevigny all chose chic black dress for their nuptials,” Valentina continued.
Image credits:viresh studio (not the actual photo)
“You deserve love and respect on your day”
We also asked the wedding experts what they would recommend for brides and grooms whose parents don’t approve of their chosen themes. “If your parents are the type of people to give you an ultimatum, that’s manipulative,” Claudia noted. “If they don’t like your choices, that’s their problem. It’s your day, you’re paying for it. If they don’t like it – they don’t have to be there.”
“I am a firm believer that you should stand your ground when it comes to stuff like this,” she continued. “If they’re going to throw a temper tantrum and worry about what the neighbors will think, maybe they shouldn’t come. If they don’t come over something so important to you, maybe your entire relationship should be evaluated. You deserve respect and love on your day. Not some estranged auntie in the corner giving you looks because your flowers weren’t her favorite color.”
Suki shared that it can be useful to determine the root of why your family members may disapprove, as they’re likely not actually upset about the theme. “It’s probably a projection of another feeling. Perhaps they’re worried their relatives will think poorly of them,” she explained. “Perhaps they’ve invited their boss and want to make a good impression. Take the time to get to the bottom of it, and don’t forget to lead with kindness, curiosity, and questions. This might give you more clarity and help you create compromises that everyone loves! For instance, if they’re upset that you’re having a black wedding cake, perhaps you can add lovely white icing or a traditional cake topper to appease them.”
“It also helps to show them examples of how the theme has been executed beautifully!” Suki added. “If they see more photos and inspiration from other weddings, they’ll be more inclined to admit that it’s a pretty dope theme after all. Another option we’ve seen Offbeat Wed readers do is finance their own weddings entirely. This puts them in a more comfortable position to brush off negative opinions.” This gives marriers the option to respond to unsolicited advice with, “Sorry, that’s not in our wedding budget,” which leaves the family with two options: “Fork out some cash if they really want to make it happen or let go and let God,” Suki shared. The expert added that Offbeat Wed also has a “copy ’n paste conflict resolution” piece that can be helpful for couples in similar situations.
While Valentina recognizes that situations like this can be difficult to navigate, she believes that the key to keeping relationships positive while wedding planning is to communicate openly and bravely, thus managing expectations from the start. “Whether it’s a decor decision, a guestlist culling decision, and financial decision, or anything else that you might find yourself at odds about with family: you have every right to explain to them, as honestly as you can,whyyou are doing what you are doing,” she told Bored Panda.
Image credits:Emma Bauso (not the actual photo)
“There is nothing selfish about wanting to spend the day you get married doing things you love with people you love, feeling fabulous and most authentically YOU”
The experts also added their advice for couples who find themselves in similar situations. “Stand up for what you believe in. You will always regret not listening to your intuition,” Claudia told Bored Panda. “You will always regret making a decision based onsomeone else’s happiness.”
“Weddings are a petri dish for family drama!” Suki added. “For some, wedding planning is the first time your parents are being forced to see you as an adult with your own lifestyle and values.Offbeat Wed‘s covered all kinds of wedding family drama under the sun, from ‘My parents hate my wedding theme,’ to ‘What to do when your relatives don’t approve of your queer wedding.’ If you’re dealing with it, we’ve written about it, and we’ve got your back. At the end of the day, what matters is that you have a celebration that feels authentic to you and your partner’s values. Good luck and happy planning!”
Valentina urges couples to never let someone else make them feel guilty about their wedding decisions. “It’s understandable if you’re feeling worried that your choice may be seen as ‘selfish’ – but it absolutely isn’t. There is nothing selfish about wanting to spend the day you get married doing things you love with people you love, feeling fabulous and most authentically YOU,” she shared. “Gently remind yourself of all the truths and reasons that led you to your decisions, let go of this burden, and enjoy every moment of having done what’s right for you, for all the right reasons.”
Readers assured the brides that they should plan the wedding of their dreams, not their mothers’ dreams
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