Being a stay-at-home (SAH) parent is still usually the mom’s job.Pew Research Centerclaims only 18% of SAH parents in the U.S. are dads. That’s almost one in five. Wives often becomestay-at-home mothersfull-time or have a side job from home that they can balance with taking care of the kids.
Bored Pandacontacted Licensed Educator and Certified CoachLaura Dangerfor some expertise on SAH parents. She kindly agreed to tell us more about why the stereotype that stay-at-home parents should be mothers persists and how couples can navigate arguments about this dynamic. Read her expert insights below!
Working from home and taking care of kids at the same time can be hard
Image credits:LightFieldStudios (not the actual photo)
When this husband told his wife that she does nothing all day as a SAHM, she dared him to try it out
Image credits:Vitaly Gariev (not the actual photo)
Image credits:ClearCoffee7140
The stigma towards SAH parents will persist until we start thinking of housework as real work
Certified life coach and educatorLaura Dangertells Bored Panda that as long as housework and childcare aren’t considered “real” work, the stereotype that it’s the same as“doing nothing” will persist.
“Keeping this work undervalued and underpaid throughout society allows it to be used as a tool to subjugate. People in carework industries are underpaid – home nurses, childcare providers, the people who clean and maintain our homes, offices and public spaces.”
“This is the work that nurtures us and keeps us going, yet it’s brushed off,” Danger points out. “Without it, we have nothing! The idea that some work is work or some work is more important is just another lie our society tells us so some people can have more access to power, wealth, and privilege.”
“When some work matters more than other work, some people matter more,” she explains the unfairness. “If we gave care its due respect, we’d also have to give every person their due respect.”
“Honoring the value of care would also mean honoring our inherent value as people. Our society is built as a hierarchy, and bosses and other people in power rely on care anddomestic workbeing invisible and undervalued.”
Image credits:Alexander Grey (not the actual photo)
Although the conversation about how to divide housework and childcare is difficult, it’s always best to have it as soon as possible
“You cannot control how someone is going to react to you when you share your feelings, but even if the response is resistance, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say something. Care work matters,” Danger emphasizes. “The weight of the mental, emotional, and physical demands has real costs. You have to figure out what your own limits are, communicate them, then be ready to maintain them.”
The reality is that one person in the couple often takes on not only the majority of thehouseworkbut the emotional labor as well. “The person who’s been asking for help or who manages more of the domestic and care work has to maintain the emotions of themselves and others,” Danger explains. “They have to do this despite feeling frustrated, angry, or hurt.”
“We should all take some personal responsibility for our emotional wellness, communication, and self-regulation. Unfortunately, you can’t make someone else do that personal emotional work, so, again, it comes down to setting limits for yourself. You may need to seek professional help as an individual or a couple to break old imbalanced patterns and establish new ones.”
Danger says that individuals shouldn’t be afraid to express their feelings, whatever they might be. “Feelings are okay. It’s okay to be angry about inequity,” she explains. “Feeling resentful or angry about a situation that has caused pain is reasonable.”
“What we can be mindful of is how we react and what we do from there. Kindness does not always mean keeping things the same or shielding your relationship from conflict. Conflict can be an opportunity,” the certified life coach points out.
Image credits:Tatiana Syrikova (not the actual photo)
People called out the husband’s entitled behavior
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