There is probably no worse pain for parents than losing their child. It may feel like they will never be the same and there will always be emptiness inside. And while it’s important to remember them and keep the memory alive, unfortunately, forcing others won’t do any good.
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Image credits:shubham sharma (not the actual photo)
The brothers have tried telling their parents that they feel uncomfortable with the picture, they don’t feel attachment to him like their mom does, but everything just ended in arguments
Image credits:Lisa Fotios (not the actual photo)
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The whole situation caused family drama and the guy told his mom that he agreed with his brother as they have no connection to him and don’t see him as their brother
The community members backed up the author and gave him the ‘Not the A-hole’ badge. “NTA. They absolutely need therapy, and they’re pushing away their living, breathing children,” one user wrote. “NTA. The wedding is about the bride and groom. Your mother needs to come to terms with the fact that in her lifetime, she had four children, but for yours, you’ve only ever had two brothers,” another added.
Image credits:Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual photo)
Now, speaking about healthy ways to honor the memories of a lost one, Nikki notes that we all grieve in our own ways but the theory of Continuing Bonds argues that death ends a life, but not a relationship, and that it is not always unhealthy for an ongoing attachment to continue after death.
She emphasized that keeping a loved one’s memories alive could mean remembering them on special days, such as birthdays, death anniversaries or holidays, lighting a candle in their honor on those days, sharing stories about them and looking at pictures of them. “But again, we all grieve in our own ways. And it is important that everyone’s wishes are honored, and sometimes that involves compromise if one family member wants to include the deceased in activities while another does not.”
Also, Nikki explained that there is normative grief and there is prolonged grief. “Most who have lost a loved one will return to a normal level of functioning within a few months to a year, at most. For a small cohort of grievers (research would tell us about 10%), they will carry their grief with them for years, which can impair their functioning at work, school, home, and in their relationships.”
She also added that the wedding is about the couple, embarking on a new and exciting journey together. “Just like the guest list and all the other details of the day, the couple should be able to choose who they want to include and how they want to include them. They’ve offered to include the deceased in a way they are comfortable with, perhaps on their wedding day, this compromise and their wishes could be honored.”
Image credits:Natalie Bond (not the actual photo)
“But that this is ongoing, many years later and still this overbearing and intense, it sounds like there’s something stuck here—a trauma that one or both parents’ brains have not yet digested and filed into long-term memory,” Deborah shared. “A trauma that they continue to relive, a trauma that makes them spin out into thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that harm their relationships with others.
She notes that when someone is stuck in trauma, it’s important to understand that they are doing the best they can. And in order to do better, they need trauma-focused treatment.
Finally, Deborah shared that her heart goes out to everyone in that family. “Even if the wedding problem is solved, it’s highly likely that the mother will still need and benefit from trauma-focused treatment. Her trauma is not something she can snap out of, no matter how much her family pleads or makes reasonable, rational requests.
“The traumatized brain cannot listen to reason or consider other people’s needs. It’s on fire and trying to protect her the only way it can. Her brain isn’t broken—it just needs a particular kind of tender, loving care to get her—and her life—back on track.”
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Redditors backed up the author and shared that his parents need therapy
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