Manyparentswant to spark their kids’ interest in something that they themselves were—or still are—interested in.
Butthis redditormade sure that her children knew that they didn’t have to take part in an activity that they were not interested in. In her daughter’s case, it wascheerleading—something that the girl’s dad’s new partner—his affair partner, as the OP calls her—really wanted her to take part in. Unsurprisingly, the woman pressuring the girl into cheerleading became a problem and even led to the OP wondering if she was a jerk for how she handled the dispute.
Scroll down to find the full story below, where you will also findBored Panda’sinterview withRachel Schofield, a Parent Coach and a Professional Member of the Australian Association of Family Therapists, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions about parenting and children’s willingness to take part in certain activities.
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While some parents try to force their kids into taking up certain activities, others let them make such decisions themselves
Image credits:Getty Images (not the actual photo)
This woman found herself at war with her ex’s “affair partner,” who was pressuring her daughter into taking up cheerleading
Image source:Competitive-Let-8254
“The effect [of pressuring children] can be positive or negative depending on the intentions behind the pressuring,” an expert says
It’s no secret that forcing your child—especially a teenager—to do something will likely result in acts of rebellion, whether it’s washing dishes, doing homework, or maybe even something fun that they refuse to do for one reason or another. Unsurprisingly, trying to put them up for activities they’re not interested in might also not be met with great enthusiasm.
While forcing a child to do something they loathe is not good, what about forcing them to push through something when it gets tough? For instance, when they’ve always loved basketball, but all of a sudden, it becomes too much and they want to quit. Should parents support their decision or encourage them to keep going? Also, where is the line between forcing and encouraging?
These questions have likely run through the heads of manyparents. And it will probably come as no surprise, but there is no right answer to them, as there are many things that should be taken into consideration in such situations. According to Rachel Schofield, a Parent Coach and a Professional Member of the Australian Association of Family Therapists, the effect of pressuring kids into taking up an activity they are not interested in can be positive or negative depending on the intentions behind the pressuring and how the “pressuring” is done.
“Conversely, if a child is being pressured to take, say, ballet lessons simply because their parent likes the idea, but the child is not in the slightest bit interested, then the core problem is the child’s lack of autonomy. The pressure is a symptom of a lack of emotional differentiation between the parent and their child. This emotional merging makes it hard for a child to grow into a fully functioning adult who knows themselves well and has their own opinions, likes and dislikes.”
Sometimes, people have to do things they don’t want to, and that’s an important lesson for kids to learn
Image credits: CDC(not the actual photo)
“When an adult has a greater good in mind, like learning to swim, making a child do the activity they don’t want to do goes best when they enforce the expectation respectfully,” Schofield continued. “I like the general guideline of ‘It’s good for adults to hold expectations with children, but you can’t force a child to be happy with them.’ And just because a child doesn’t like something, doesn’t mean it isn’t worthwhile. Few kids love brushing their teeth, but if they don’t, they might end up with tooth decay.
“If parents simply let their kids do what they want to do and never require them to do things that are good for them but not appealing, then they are failing their kids. Their ability to grow up into empathetic, responsible adults capable of having good relationships and holding down a job will be hampered.”
So, in situations like this, the expert suggests saying something like “I know you don’t like swimming, but it’s a non negotiable” and making sure that you show your appreciation that they engaged in the activity even though they didn’t feel like it. “Allow a child to complain about it and to feel upset, but hold the boundary. Be utterly pleased with their efforts, and of course, explain why you’re making them do it. It can be good to loosen things up, bringing in humor and playfulness. This allows a child emotional autonomy (they hate swimming) whilst keeping them safe (they’re learning to swim anyway) and keeping the relationships between parent and child warm (we can laugh about the hard stuff).”
Schofield continued to emphasize that doing things we don’t really want to do is part of life, and there is nothing intrinsically damaging about this. “Even when we have a passion that we love, maybe playing soccer, we will need to do things we don’t enjoy, like cleaning muddy boots after a game. The ability to do the less pleasant part of life is an important skill that helps a child function well in adulthood.”
Parents should take kids’ opinions into consideration, but they shouldn’t be the ones running the show always
Talking about the line between “parent knows best” and letting the child make their own decisions, Schofield noted that it is always good to listen to kids, even when parents believe that it is objectively better for them to do something they don’t want to do. “It’s about respect and emotional autonomy,” she said. “But also it’s about parents doing their job as leaders of their families.
“Families where the children call all the shots and are essentially in charge are highly dysfunctional – there is a lot of emotional dysregulation. Children feel safe when their parents are in charge, And children feel loved and appreciated when their parents listen to them and treat them with warmth and kindness. But always doing what a child wants – that doesn’t go well for anyone.”
Dr. Janine Domingues, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, suggests that encouraging children can have a positive impact on their confidence. “I think it gives them a sense of confidence to know that if there is a challenging moment, as a parent, you’re helping them to problem solve it through as opposed to completely removing it or taking the problem away,” Dr. Domingues commented ona piecefor the Child Mind Institute. “A child really does feel accomplished and good about the fact that they were able to get through it.”
However, Dr. Domingues continued to point out that it’s important to know your child well, especially when it comes to extracurriculars. “If they’re not into sports, then pushing them into team sports may not be the best thing,” she said, adding that it might be better to look for an alternative that might tick the boxes of what you, as a parent, would like your child to take part in and what they themselves would enjoy.
According to Rachel Schofield, kids wanting out of a certain activity without finishing the period they signed up for can be a great opportunity to teach them a little about commitment, though. “A common problem is when a child says they want to do something, let’s say soccer, and then halfway through term, they decide they don’t like it anymore. A good direction is to make a child stick to the commitment – to keep going till the end of term. And then to be curious about what is going on – is it really the soccer, or are there some group dynamics that aren’t working, or are they overly tired and the timing just doesn’t work. This way, you get to instill good habits, like commitment, whilst keeping an open mind as to what is happening,” she told Bored Panda.
Parents have to remember that even if they enjoyed something as kids, their children might not enjoy it equally as much
Image credits:Ave Calvar (not the actual photo)
Delving deeper into the topic, another expert, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, Dr. Harold S. Koplewicz, suggested that if an activity is met with resistance from the child, it might be necessary for the parent to reevaluate their motivations. “Are we encouraging or pushing our kids because it’s in their best interest, or is it something we’re doing for ourselves?,” he commented for the Child Mind Institute.
That is another problem that tends to stand in the way of kids choosing an activity they enjoy. While some parents eagerly advertise their beloved activity in the hopes that their offspring will enjoy it as much as they do (or did), others tend to live vicariously through their children. Needless to say, that can lead to additional pressure, especially if the child doesn’t enjoy it nearly as much.
In the OP’s daughter’s case, it was cheerleading that her dad’s partner pressured her to take upon. But despite its popularity—according tolast year’s data, over 3.8 million Americans aged six and older participated in cheerleading—the activity didn’t appeal to the OP’s daughter the slightest bit.
Fellow netizens shared their thoughts on the situation; many didn’t think the mom was a jerk
Some people believed everyone involved was being jerks to each other
A few netizens weren’t willing to side with the OP
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