The decision to have a combinedfamilyof biological and adopted children may pose unusual challenges for parents who want the best for both kids. The situation can become particularly interesting when one of the parents is adopted themselves and may have a softer spot for their adopted child, considering all they’ve been through.
This is the case for Reddit useru/Critical-Physics-999, who recently turned to the community to share her story of a husband that consistently favors his adopted daughter over his biological one. Theproblemhas gotten so serious that OP is now considering divorce.
More info:Reddit
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Image credits:Kindel Media (not the actual photo)
“I’ve brought this up constantly to him and I’m at my breaking point,” said pregnant mom of two
Image credits:Gustavo Fring (not the actual photo)
“Why doesn’t daddy love me anymore?” asked their biological daughter
Image credits:Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual photo)
Image credits:u/Critical-Physics-999
“I have both girls in therapy already,” lamented the frustrated mother of two
The OP, a 33-year-old woman, takes us back to the beginning, with her meeting her husband invarsityafter a mutual friend set them up. It was love at first sight, and, while dating, her BF let her know that he wanted to adopt kids, and that if OP wasn’t OK with that, they should end the relationship.
OP agreed, given that her BF was adopted himself and wanted to pay it forward, but at the same time made it clear that she also wanted biological children, which her BF had no issues with. Two years later, the couple finished theirdegreesand got married.
Today, the couple have two children, a 5-year-old biological daughter and a 7-year-old adopted daughter. They started fostering when their biological daughter was a newborn and adopted their other daughter about a year ago.
Lately OP has noticed something peculiar – her husband seems to favor their adopted daughter over their biological one.
She says he regularly takes her out for bonding time, but either leaves his biological daughter behind or drops her off somewhere else. She adds that he neglects her in other ways, like practically ignoring her at home.
When OP let her husband know that she was three months pregnant, his first reaction was a bewildering, “When can we start fostering again?” OP tells us that two weeks prior, her biological daughter asked her, “Why doesn’t daddy love me anymore?” That was the final straw.
OP says she’s afraid that if something happens again, she might snap. She tells Reddit that both daughters are already in therapy and goes on to ask the community for any advice, or even criticism.
Image credits:cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
From what we can gather from OP’s post, it seems like her husband is carrying a lot of baggage about being adopted, and it’s jeopardizing their marriage. According to theCenter For Treatment of Anxiety and Mood Disorders, adopted adults suffer from:
At this time three factors intersect: an acute awareness of the significance of being adopted; a drive toward emancipation; and a biopsychosocial striving toward the development of an integrated identity.
In anarticlefor verywellmind,Theodora Blanchfieldwrites that there are about seven million adoptees living in the United States, and approximately 140,000 are adopted each year. While many people look at adoption as something beautiful—and it can be—the truth is that adoptees may deal with significant mental health effects after being adopted.
Ameta-analysis(review of studies) about adoptees’ mental health found higher levels of depression and anxiety than in non-adoptees, with bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder as the two disorders most associated with adoption.Additionally, adoptees are more likely to attempt suicide.
Adoption can feel like a very unique and isolating experience that few understand. A support group of other adoptees may help anadopteefeel less alone.
Such groups, whether in person or online, help them connect with others who have had similar experiences. This can be a great source of encouragement, understanding, and valuable information.
From what OP tells us in her post, it would seem that her husband could benefit from some form oftherapyto help him work through his issues in a safe space. Perhaps it would lead to him having a more balancedrelationshipwith his daughters.
Thanks! Check out the results:Mindaugas Balčiauskas
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