For many people, a relationship with theirmotheris their very first one. And, although 63% of young adultssaytheir relationship with their parents and especially their mom is excellent or very good, not everyone is so lucky. Some have to deal with a mother’s toxicity daily.
To know more about the difficult topic of toxic mothers,Bored Pandasought the expertise ofEllen I. Carni, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in private practice in New York City. She told us more about the types of toxic relationship between mothers and their adult children, and gave some recommendations on how to heal from having a difficult mother. Read her expert insights below!
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“A toxic mother usually refers to a mother who consistently harms their child’s emotional, mental or physical welfare through their words, actions and behaviors,” clinical psychologist Ellen I. Carni, Ph.D., who specializes in helping people heal from toxic mother relationships.The term ‘toxic’ gets thrown around pretty easily these days. Dr. Carni, too, warns against using it lightly. “‘Toxic’ is a strong term. When I use it, I refer to ‘toxic’ as a spectrum of harmful behavior, rather than the worst possible behavior because, in most cases of the challenging mothering I see, ‘toxic’ is a matter of degree. Many so called ‘toxic mothers’ can also have good qualities, which is why it can be so hard for adult children to separate.“RELATED:However, Dr. Carni says that adults use the term ‘toxic mother’ to describe mothers “who continues to undermine their child’s decisions and, in general, emotional safety (in rare cases physical safety) even after the child is grown up and capable of making their own choices.““These mothers can be manipulative, controlling, critical, gaslighting, boundary-violating, emotionally absent or narcissistic and otherwise toxic, maintaining a dynamic where the adult child feels pressured to please her and never truly feels ‘good enough,” Dr. Carni explains.Years ago, Dr. Carni developed a quiz titled “Is Your Mother Toxic?” In it, she identified eight types of unhealthy relationship between a mother and her child.1. Holds You Hostage: this mother will only support you if you make choices she approves of. She may withdraw love if you make your own choices or, at worst, cuts you off.2. Besties: this mother wants to be your best friend. She wants to know every detail of your life. You feel smothered.3. Boss and Subordinate – this mother tries to control and dominate your life. She expects you to follow her rules and expectations. She’s demanding, rigid and closed-minded. She makes you feel you have to be perfect to win her approval.4. Rivals: this mother sees you as a rival, a threat. She compares herself to you to see who is smarter, thinner, prettier or more successful. She is often insecure about herself around you.Dr. Carni continues with the four remaining types of toxic relationships:5. Role Reversal: this mother expects you to mother her and be there to support her. It is one-sided. She is concerned about her own needs, wanting nurturing from you.6. Enmeshed: this relationship is co-dependent. She’ll give you love if you give her love. You cannot separate from each other.7. Good Mom/Bad Mom: the relationship is erratic. You never know whether the good Mom or bad Mom will show up. She runs hot and cold. Sometimes she puts up a good image in public but is cold and rejecting when you are alone.8. Abandoning Mom: this mother is emotionally and/or physically unavailable. She withdraws love. She may give love you your siblings.Those who have a toxic relationship with their mother shouldn’t judge themselves. “Your experience is valid. Your feelings are valid,” Dr. Carni says. “Your mother’s bad behavior is not a reflection of your self-worth. Treat yourself with compassion. Avoid comparing yourself to others on social media. Take care of yourself. Eat well. Exercise. Partake in activities that are enjoyable.“Dr. Carni says that it’s important to express your emotions in a constructive way. “Talk to a trusted friend. Journal. Write a letter and burn it. Even sports, exercise or art can release feelings. By all means, seek out therapy. Examine yourself. What might you be contributing to the toxic dynamic?“I blocked the kids’ faces, but believe me when I say that this poor girl looked absolutely miserable.Dr. Ellen also reminds us that relationships can change, they are not static. “Your relationship with your mother is an ongoing evolution from your birth to her [passing]. Where you are with her today may not be where you are with her a year from now or five or 10. If you’ve done enough work on yourself you might be able to forgive her for what she wasn’t able to give you.“I don’t know what else to say. Sorry if it bothers anyone, I’ve been a horror special effects artist for 15 years and she has no problem when I make werewolves, vampires and other things that eat people.Through therapy, other healing methods, and with time, a person might be able to see the big picture. There’s often a reason why mothers are the way they are and parent the way they do. “What was her mother like to her and her mother’s mother to your grandmother? How many generations back does the toxicity go? Staying with the big picture will keep you from carrying resentful feelings in your head all the time,” Dr. Carni notes. “It doesn’t make bad behavior right but it gives you a broader perspective on human behavior.“The licensed psychologist tells Bored Panda that people can seek mother figures elsewhere. Aunts, grandmothers, mentors, even music teachers or coaches can fill a bit of the void that a toxic mother has left. “As an adult, you can make choices that you couldn’t as a child. Make them wisely,” Dr. Carni adds.For context, my mother is weird about my facial and body hair. Once I was literally in the hospital for an accident that SHE caused and as they were cutting my clothes off me, she was more worried about my leg hair than the fact I, you know, just got beat in the head til I was unrecognizable and was not sure I was gonna make it out alive. Good times!“Naturally, I am a big believer in psychotherapy. I attribute my success in resolving things with my own toxic mother to my therapy. I was one of the lucky ones,” Dr. Carni tells Bored Panda. “She changed once I could forgive her.““But, in any event, I worked through all my feelings – guilt, shame, rage, loneliness, sadness – and was able to accept her for who she was. I grieved what was and what couldn’t be and built an identity apart from her. You can do all of this, too,” she encourages.Dr. Carni mentions that a good therapist will validate a person’s experience and be their ally. “You can find a safe, compassionate space from which to explore your hurt feelings without fear of judgment. You can let go of the past that set you up for pain.““You can form healthy boundaries. You can prioritize your emotional needs in a positive and loving way. You can tame the inner critical voices of your mother. You can claim your own authentic and creative self without guilt or shame.“And she’s spiraling. This is honestly…so unhinged.After my Mom physically attacked me and I actually stood up for myself, the police got involved and my Mom kicked me out. Luckily, a friend’s family took me in before I went to college. She refused to give me a doc for the military financial aid and continued to provide ultimatums up until her death the following year.For context, the text was the only thing my Mother did for my birthday since I’m very LC due to how she treats me. I let the message sit UNTIL my cousin contacted me saying she was telling people that she was sad that I never responded to her. You want drama? I’ll give you drama.See Also on Bored PandaThe saga continues. Our son refuses to put clothes away so we sold his dresser. He won’t make his bed? Getting rid of the bed. Please don’t message me about how cruel I am this is called tough love, Love & Logic style. Actually, it turns out the joke will probably be on me since it doesn’t appear he’s learning a lesson… Anyway, this nowhere-near-new bedframe is no longer available in this color so get it while it’s hot! Website pics for reference, bedroom pics for color.I have a one and a half year old son. I’m a 30+ year old stay at home mom.They called me shortly after this demanding I do something. I told them there were out of their minds if they want me to bring a violent drunk around my son. They’ve been doing this for years. I had to drop out of college to take care of my sisters because of them. I have went NC before and wanted to give them a chance to be around their grandson, but no I’m done.See Also on Bored PandaWe were talking about me coming to grab some stuff from her house. I don’t even know. Yes, she’s paid for a lot of it as it’s partly a Christmas present, but this is another level.Continue reading with Bored Panda PremiumUnlimited contentAd-free browsingDark modeSubscribe nowAlready a subscriber?Sign InSee Also on Bored PandaFor reference, I’m 25, had just moved out, and this came after I had few responses due to being very sickAnd ended it having to email us after being blocked on everything else, threatening a restraining order when we checks notes screenshotted and posted her own words to us on social media. I guess it was just that easy to get her to leave us aloneSee Also on Bored PandaWe are struggling. My fiancé lost his job. I genuinely thought she’d be happy for me. I was wrong. It was an opportunity to make me feel worse.So basically I caught a spider a while ago, and she assumed that she has control over my phone which she isn’t even paying for and that she didn’t even buySee Also on Bored PandaIt’s always hurts when I get these types of reactions to things. Sue me for trying to have a conversation…This was just one of many times she said this. She also used to ask me who I was sleeping with and when I was doing it before I was married, and assumed I was sleeping with multiple partners when I was dating my husband. Not that it even matters, but I’ve been with two people ever, one of them being my husband, the other being a long term boyfriend that I dated before I met my spouse. Anyways, I finally just stopped responding to her or trying to deny anything because it didn’t matter what I said, and eventually she quit askingSee Also on Bored Panda
“A toxic mother usually refers to a mother who consistently harms their child’s emotional, mental or physical welfare through their words, actions and behaviors,” clinical psychologist Ellen I. Carni, Ph.D., who specializes in helping people heal from toxic mother relationships.The term ‘toxic’ gets thrown around pretty easily these days. Dr. Carni, too, warns against using it lightly. “‘Toxic’ is a strong term. When I use it, I refer to ‘toxic’ as a spectrum of harmful behavior, rather than the worst possible behavior because, in most cases of the challenging mothering I see, ‘toxic’ is a matter of degree. Many so called ‘toxic mothers’ can also have good qualities, which is why it can be so hard for adult children to separate.”
“A toxic mother usually refers to a mother who consistently harms their child’s emotional, mental or physical welfare through their words, actions and behaviors,” clinical psychologist Ellen I. Carni, Ph.D., who specializes in helping people heal from toxic mother relationships.
The term ‘toxic’ gets thrown around pretty easily these days. Dr. Carni, too, warns against using it lightly. “‘Toxic’ is a strong term. When I use it, I refer to ‘toxic’ as a spectrum of harmful behavior, rather than the worst possible behavior because, in most cases of the challenging mothering I see, ‘toxic’ is a matter of degree. Many so called ‘toxic mothers’ can also have good qualities, which is why it can be so hard for adult children to separate.”
RELATED:
However, Dr. Carni says that adults use the term ‘toxic mother’ to describe mothers “who continues to undermine their child’s decisions and, in general, emotional safety (in rare cases physical safety) even after the child is grown up and capable of making their own choices.““These mothers can be manipulative, controlling, critical, gaslighting, boundary-violating, emotionally absent or narcissistic and otherwise toxic, maintaining a dynamic where the adult child feels pressured to please her and never truly feels ‘good enough,” Dr. Carni explains.
However, Dr. Carni says that adults use the term ‘toxic mother’ to describe mothers “who continues to undermine their child’s decisions and, in general, emotional safety (in rare cases physical safety) even after the child is grown up and capable of making their own choices.”
“These mothers can be manipulative, controlling, critical, gaslighting, boundary-violating, emotionally absent or narcissistic and otherwise toxic, maintaining a dynamic where the adult child feels pressured to please her and never truly feels ‘good enough,” Dr. Carni explains.
Years ago, Dr. Carni developed a quiz titled “Is Your Mother Toxic?” In it, she identified eight types of unhealthy relationship between a mother and her child.1. Holds You Hostage: this mother will only support you if you make choices she approves of. She may withdraw love if you make your own choices or, at worst, cuts you off.2. Besties: this mother wants to be your best friend. She wants to know every detail of your life. You feel smothered.3. Boss and Subordinate – this mother tries to control and dominate your life. She expects you to follow her rules and expectations. She’s demanding, rigid and closed-minded. She makes you feel you have to be perfect to win her approval.4. Rivals: this mother sees you as a rival, a threat. She compares herself to you to see who is smarter, thinner, prettier or more successful. She is often insecure about herself around you.
Years ago, Dr. Carni developed a quiz titled “Is Your Mother Toxic?” In it, she identified eight types of unhealthy relationship between a mother and her child.
Holds You Hostage: this mother will only support you if you make choices she approves of. She may withdraw love if you make your own choices or, at worst, cuts you off.
Besties: this mother wants to be your best friend. She wants to know every detail of your life. You feel smothered.
Boss and Subordinate – this mother tries to control and dominate your life. She expects you to follow her rules and expectations. She’s demanding, rigid and closed-minded. She makes you feel you have to be perfect to win her approval.
Rivals: this mother sees you as a rival, a threat. She compares herself to you to see who is smarter, thinner, prettier or more successful. She is often insecure about herself around you.
Dr. Carni continues with the four remaining types of toxic relationships:5. Role Reversal: this mother expects you to mother her and be there to support her. It is one-sided. She is concerned about her own needs, wanting nurturing from you.6. Enmeshed: this relationship is co-dependent. She’ll give you love if you give her love. You cannot separate from each other.7. Good Mom/Bad Mom: the relationship is erratic. You never know whether the good Mom or bad Mom will show up. She runs hot and cold. Sometimes she puts up a good image in public but is cold and rejecting when you are alone.8. Abandoning Mom: this mother is emotionally and/or physically unavailable. She withdraws love. She may give love you your siblings.
Dr. Carni continues with the four remaining types of toxic relationships:
Role Reversal: this mother expects you to mother her and be there to support her. It is one-sided. She is concerned about her own needs, wanting nurturing from you.
Enmeshed: this relationship is co-dependent. She’ll give you love if you give her love. You cannot separate from each other.
Good Mom/Bad Mom: the relationship is erratic. You never know whether the good Mom or bad Mom will show up. She runs hot and cold. Sometimes she puts up a good image in public but is cold and rejecting when you are alone.
Abandoning Mom: this mother is emotionally and/or physically unavailable. She withdraws love. She may give love you your siblings.
Those who have a toxic relationship with their mother shouldn’t judge themselves. “Your experience is valid. Your feelings are valid,” Dr. Carni says. “Your mother’s bad behavior is not a reflection of your self-worth. Treat yourself with compassion. Avoid comparing yourself to others on social media. Take care of yourself. Eat well. Exercise. Partake in activities that are enjoyable.”
Dr. Carni says that it’s important to express your emotions in a constructive way. “Talk to a trusted friend. Journal. Write a letter and burn it. Even sports, exercise or art can release feelings. By all means, seek out therapy. Examine yourself. What might you be contributing to the toxic dynamic?”
I blocked the kids’ faces, but believe me when I say that this poor girl looked absolutely miserable.
Dr. Ellen also reminds us that relationships can change, they are not static. “Your relationship with your mother is an ongoing evolution from your birth to her [passing]. Where you are with her today may not be where you are with her a year from now or five or 10. If you’ve done enough work on yourself you might be able to forgive her for what she wasn’t able to give you.”
I don’t know what else to say. Sorry if it bothers anyone, I’ve been a horror special effects artist for 15 years and she has no problem when I make werewolves, vampires and other things that eat people.
Through therapy, other healing methods, and with time, a person might be able to see the big picture. There’s often a reason why mothers are the way they are and parent the way they do. “What was her mother like to her and her mother’s mother to your grandmother? How many generations back does the toxicity go? Staying with the big picture will keep you from carrying resentful feelings in your head all the time,” Dr. Carni notes. “It doesn’t make bad behavior right but it gives you a broader perspective on human behavior.”
The licensed psychologist tells Bored Panda that people can seek mother figures elsewhere. Aunts, grandmothers, mentors, even music teachers or coaches can fill a bit of the void that a toxic mother has left. “As an adult, you can make choices that you couldn’t as a child. Make them wisely,” Dr. Carni adds.
For context, my mother is weird about my facial and body hair. Once I was literally in the hospital for an accident that SHE caused and as they were cutting my clothes off me, she was more worried about my leg hair than the fact I, you know, just got beat in the head til I was unrecognizable and was not sure I was gonna make it out alive. Good times!
“Naturally, I am a big believer in psychotherapy. I attribute my success in resolving things with my own toxic mother to my therapy. I was one of the lucky ones,” Dr. Carni tells Bored Panda. “She changed once I could forgive her.““But, in any event, I worked through all my feelings – guilt, shame, rage, loneliness, sadness – and was able to accept her for who she was. I grieved what was and what couldn’t be and built an identity apart from her. You can do all of this, too,” she encourages.
“Naturally, I am a big believer in psychotherapy. I attribute my success in resolving things with my own toxic mother to my therapy. I was one of the lucky ones,” Dr. Carni tells Bored Panda. “She changed once I could forgive her.”
“But, in any event, I worked through all my feelings – guilt, shame, rage, loneliness, sadness – and was able to accept her for who she was. I grieved what was and what couldn’t be and built an identity apart from her. You can do all of this, too,” she encourages.
Dr. Carni mentions that a good therapist will validate a person’s experience and be their ally. “You can find a safe, compassionate space from which to explore your hurt feelings without fear of judgment. You can let go of the past that set you up for pain.““You can form healthy boundaries. You can prioritize your emotional needs in a positive and loving way. You can tame the inner critical voices of your mother. You can claim your own authentic and creative self without guilt or shame.”
Dr. Carni mentions that a good therapist will validate a person’s experience and be their ally. “You can find a safe, compassionate space from which to explore your hurt feelings without fear of judgment. You can let go of the past that set you up for pain.”
“You can form healthy boundaries. You can prioritize your emotional needs in a positive and loving way. You can tame the inner critical voices of your mother. You can claim your own authentic and creative self without guilt or shame.”
And she’s spiraling. This is honestly…so unhinged.
After my Mom physically attacked me and I actually stood up for myself, the police got involved and my Mom kicked me out. Luckily, a friend’s family took me in before I went to college. She refused to give me a doc for the military financial aid and continued to provide ultimatums up until her death the following year.
For context, the text was the only thing my Mother did for my birthday since I’m very LC due to how she treats me. I let the message sit UNTIL my cousin contacted me saying she was telling people that she was sad that I never responded to her. You want drama? I’ll give you drama.
See Also on Bored Panda
The saga continues. Our son refuses to put clothes away so we sold his dresser. He won’t make his bed? Getting rid of the bed. Please don’t message me about how cruel I am this is called tough love, Love & Logic style. Actually, it turns out the joke will probably be on me since it doesn’t appear he’s learning a lesson… Anyway, this nowhere-near-new bedframe is no longer available in this color so get it while it’s hot! Website pics for reference, bedroom pics for color.
I have a one and a half year old son. I’m a 30+ year old stay at home mom.They called me shortly after this demanding I do something. I told them there were out of their minds if they want me to bring a violent drunk around my son. They’ve been doing this for years. I had to drop out of college to take care of my sisters because of them. I have went NC before and wanted to give them a chance to be around their grandson, but no I’m done.
We were talking about me coming to grab some stuff from her house. I don’t even know. Yes, she’s paid for a lot of it as it’s partly a Christmas present, but this is another level.
Continue reading with Bored Panda PremiumUnlimited contentAd-free browsingDark modeSubscribe nowAlready a subscriber?Sign In
Continue reading with Bored Panda Premium
Unlimited contentAd-free browsingDark mode
Unlimited content
Ad-free browsing
Dark mode
Subscribe nowAlready a subscriber?Sign In
For reference, I’m 25, had just moved out, and this came after I had few responses due to being very sick
And ended it having to email us after being blocked on everything else, threatening a restraining order when we checks notes screenshotted and posted her own words to us on social media. I guess it was just that easy to get her to leave us alone
We are struggling. My fiancé lost his job. I genuinely thought she’d be happy for me. I was wrong. It was an opportunity to make me feel worse.
So basically I caught a spider a while ago, and she assumed that she has control over my phone which she isn’t even paying for and that she didn’t even buy
It’s always hurts when I get these types of reactions to things. Sue me for trying to have a conversation…
This was just one of many times she said this. She also used to ask me who I was sleeping with and when I was doing it before I was married, and assumed I was sleeping with multiple partners when I was dating my husband. Not that it even matters, but I’ve been with two people ever, one of them being my husband, the other being a long term boyfriend that I dated before I met my spouse. Anyways, I finally just stopped responding to her or trying to deny anything because it didn’t matter what I said, and eventually she quit asking
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