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I thought everyone had constant suicidal ideology for years. I thought depression just meant you had it worse.I still have a really hard time believing people who tell me they’ve never even considered killing themselves.
In many of these stories, Redditors shared how they didn’t initially recognize that what they were going through was tied to deepermental health challenges. To learn why,Bored Pandaspoke with psychologistSabina Nazarova.“People often don’t realize they have mental health issues or trauma because they get used to the way things are,” Nazarova tells us. “Life is complicated, and with so much going on, many don’t take the time to stop and think about why they feel or act a certain way.”From a neurological perspective, Nazarova notes that humans aren’t as adaptable as we might think. Our brains tend to settle into familiar patterns, even if those patterns are unhealthy, making them difficult to break. Dissociation can also play a role, with the mind blocking out painful memories, preventing many of us from fully recognizing their impact until much later.“When we go through tough experiences, we focus on surviving,” Nazarova adds. “It takes a lot of energy to change, so we often stick with what’s familiar, even if it’s uncomfortable, rather than working toward something better but unknown.”
In many of these stories, Redditors shared how they didn’t initially recognize that what they were going through was tied to deepermental health challenges. To learn why,Bored Pandaspoke with psychologistSabina Nazarova.
“People often don’t realize they have mental health issues or trauma because they get used to the way things are,” Nazarova tells us. “Life is complicated, and with so much going on, many don’t take the time to stop and think about why they feel or act a certain way.”
From a neurological perspective, Nazarova notes that humans aren’t as adaptable as we might think. Our brains tend to settle into familiar patterns, even if those patterns are unhealthy, making them difficult to break. Dissociation can also play a role, with the mind blocking out painful memories, preventing many of us from fully recognizing their impact until much later.
“When we go through tough experiences, we focus on surviving,” Nazarova adds. “It takes a lot of energy to change, so we often stick with what’s familiar, even if it’s uncomfortable, rather than working toward something better but unknown.”
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My childhood was worse than I thought. Not as bad as others, like nothing physical. But those are extremes and I need to understand that you don’t need to go through extremes to go through a bad time.
My Dad’s abusive and controlling angry behavior.Growing up I think you just convince yourself that your life is easier, or better than SO many others, especially living in rural North America. It wasn’t until me and my siblings were in our early twenties that we even TALKED about the way he acts and even then it was just a “oh man, he’s crazy, what a psycho haha"Queue me being in college, hanging out with most of my class on a Friday evening as we all sit around drinking / chatting. The topic of “crazy dad’s” come up and I think, oh here we go, this will give me something to talk about.So after a handful or stories I chime in with my “funny angry dad” story.“haha yeah my dad would always break into the bathroom because he was so impatient, it was nuts. He’d just barge in and start screaming at you even if you were mid dump because you were taking too long. On time I went to get in the shower and when I stepped a foot in, I realized I had to pee. So I turned around to the toilet, butt naked while the showers running. A moment later I hear the door get violently shaken as my dad jimmy’s it open with a butter knife. He slammed it open, causing the doorknob to hit the small of my back and make me lose my footing and fall into the corner mid ps. I’m literally upside down, ps everywhere, I look up and see his face beet red pop around the door and scream “WHAT THE FK ARE YOU DOING” and I go “ME?! What the fk are YOU doing!?” and then he just loses his s**t at me.. haha it was insane.. haha … ha ….” (realize nobody is laughing and everyone is awkwardly quiet)The dude sitting next to me, just goes… “dude… that’s crazy abusive and f****d up"and me, still not catching onto that fact goes “Hahaha oh man that’s nothing.““THATS nothing!?“Oooo boy, did I ever walk away from that hangout with a lot of reflecting.My mid twenties to early thirties has basically been a bunch of emotional trauma time bombs going off regarding my dad’s side of the family after ticking away for 10-20 years.Just a lot of angry, manipulative, lying, cheating and monstrous men gaslighting everyone to put up with them.
While trauma denial can provide temporary relief, it doesn’t lead to long-term healing.“Trauma denial may be helpful in the short term. It allows the trauma survivor to stand up and get back on their feet,”saysSabina Mauro, a psychologist in Yardley, Pennsylvania. But as time goes on, avoidance takes its toll. “Ongoing trauma denial causes more suffering than there needs to be. Although trauma survivors may learn how to suppress this unpleasant experience from their past, their body and mind will continue to carry it until the trauma is confronted.”Burying painful memories manifests in different ways. Some people might say, “It wasn’t a big deal. I’ve moved on,” or, “It wasn’t bad enough to be called trauma,” while others might deny that it ever happened.
While trauma denial can provide temporary relief, it doesn’t lead to long-term healing.
“Trauma denial may be helpful in the short term. It allows the trauma survivor to stand up and get back on their feet,”saysSabina Mauro, a psychologist in Yardley, Pennsylvania. But as time goes on, avoidance takes its toll. “Ongoing trauma denial causes more suffering than there needs to be. Although trauma survivors may learn how to suppress this unpleasant experience from their past, their body and mind will continue to carry it until the trauma is confronted.”
Burying painful memories manifests in different ways. Some people might say, “It wasn’t a big deal. I’ve moved on,” or, “It wasn’t bad enough to be called trauma,” while others might deny that it ever happened.
The level of anxiety I felt growing up. everyone gets nervous sometimes. Not many people get nervous enough to start vomiting about minor stressors.
Hoarding. Grew up in a hoarder house, didn’t realize until my teenage years that living in a house covered with hundreds of boxes, decade-old food, and cat p**s is actually bad for one’s health and hygiene. It’s also incredibly hard to unlearn.
My sister going to the bathroom after every meal. She told me she had a bad stomach, but it turns out she’s bulimic. Wish I could help her, but I can only support and love her with all my heart. We’ll get through it, Cara.
“They may also think that constantanxiety, meltdowns, trust issues, and coping mechanisms are normal and healthy,” says Nazarova. “It’s all about what our window of tolerance is.”
Breaking these harmful cycles is possible, but awareness is key. “Learning how to set healthy boundaries helps stop the transmission of harmful patterns, especially in relationships where past trauma may be affecting current behavior,” Nazarova explains.
When I was younger I used to hear the ice cream van at night as well as all throughout the day. One day I mentioned it to another kid and they all said I was crazy. Turns out, it was a stress reaction from what would go on to be my bipolar.
I thought movies and shows of parents caring for their young kids was like Disney with princesses. I thought being 8 and knowing how to cook (self taught) was completely normal. It wasn’t until I was around 14 I realized how fed up my life was.
Was always tired. Sometimes multiple naps a day, sometimes falling asleep doing something. I figured I was just a sleepy person, or maybe it was because of my autoimmune disease. My dad kept telling me I had to see a doctor because how much I slept wasn’t normal. Turns out it’s type 1 Narcolepsy, worst case my specialist had ever seen.
While it can take time to address issues tied to unprocessed trauma, professional support can make the journey easier. Nazarova, for instance, specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to guide people through these situations.
“CBT allows people to recognize and address issues they might have thought were normal but are actually unhealthy,” she says. “For example, someone might believe that constantly pleasing others is the only way to maintain relationships because they grew up in a household where their needs were ignored. They might think, ‘If I don’t make everyone happy, I’m a bad person,’ because that’s how they’ve always lived.”
By understanding that constantly putting themselves last isn’t beneficial, they can start setting boundaries and prioritize self-care without guilt. “This realization helps break the cycle of harmful thinking and behaviors they’ve accepted as normal for so long,” Nazarova says.
I thought that everybody has to go to a hospital at every three months for a check up and has their blood sample taken and ultrasound done.Turns out no, my classmates where horrified when I began to explain in detail how does certain medical prodecures work and where I got my scar on my stomach.To sum it up I had kidney cancer at the age of 4. It was so bad the surgeon had to remove my whole left kidney.I really thought that this was normal.My father is a cancer survivor, my mother has rheumatoid arcthitis. Going to any kind of doctor is basically a family trip for us.Now I am more mindful of how I speak about this, because when I was younger I used to say things like “and thats how I got my blood drawn sixteen times on one day! But the nurse was so nice she played polly pockets with me after that! :D"And the face my classmate and her mother made is burned into my head this day.
Snoring. Turns out I have sleep apnea and stop breathing 80+ times an hour.
Parents fighting viciously quite frequently across the scope of my upbringing then immediately act like nothing happened afterwards
Wife had weird fleeting stomach aches that would flare up conveniently when I wanted to go out to dinner or the kids needed a ride to school. We chalked it up as ulcers and she adjusted her diet. Turns out it was cancer—a really f****n deadly one—which announced itself when a tumor perforated her bowel and sent her in to septic shock.
I had a headache, which happens sometimes. I don’t know that I’d call it “normal,” but it’s not so abnormal that I saw it as cause for immediate concern. Whatever, I’ll just go to bed early, surely I’ll be fine the next day.A visit to the emergency department led to a nearly two-week stay in the hospital, where they administered an MRI, which led to a diagnosis of acute autoimmune idiopathic dissemminated encephalomyelitis.In other words, for no readily apparent reason, my immune system decided something it should attack is the protein sheath that is the insulation for the complex circuit that is the brain. It’s not supposed to do that.
Having skin like velvet and being super duper flexible. turns out i have ehlers-danlos syndrome. whoops.
I had a friend growing up when we were 14 who had an older brother in his 30s that would hang out with us when we had parties and him and his friends would flirt with the girls. At the time we thought he was the coolest dude but now looking back at it he was just a predator.
Antagonistic parents. People succeeding in spite of them instead of with their support. My parents abandoned me, my guardian was super abusive. The kids I knew at school also had wildly s****y parents in different ways (some had cult-level religious brainwashing, some were narcissistic and relied on children to take care of them instead of the other way around, etc). For the longest time I thought everything I and the people I knew had to deal with was just normal.
Mormonism.
Drunk driving, parents did it alot and honestly drove better drunk than normal, it wasn’t until I was 14 and a friend was driving me home after a beach party late at night and almost killed everyone in the car because he fell asleep for a few seconds.
That repeat illnesses with pneumonia and sinus infections was just part of having allergies and asthma. Two years ago, at my annual appointment, my immunologist asked me to get a blood panel I’d never heard of before. I’ve had the test several times now, and it turns out it’s an antibody titer, and I don’t retain immunity to polysaccharide bacteria, even with repeat immunizations. I’ve had a pneumovax every year for almost 15 years and I have almost no immunity to 14 of the 23 variants tested, and, of the ones I do have some immunity to, only two have fully “protective” immunity. What kills me is that my mom, who was a critical care nurse, was convinced that I had something amiss with my immune system. She passed away in 2009 unexpectedly and I didn’t get to tell her she was right. Way to go, Mom!!
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Grew up with an erratic volatile unpredictable very unusual quite beautiful mother who I thought was “eccentric” and it was just normal to me. She spoke with a strong accent and was very silly and flighty and energetic and would enroll me in things but then sabotage the event—children’s pageants, department store modeling runways, local tv shows, summer children’s events, acting auditions, pets that were gifted but always disappeared after a week or so. I learned not to get attached to any thing or situation.The upside tho was that I very quickly realized that, even as a very young child, I could not depend on her much and needed to always rely on myself for planning and safety and care. I became super-independent and capable at a young age. It made me very strong and creative and self-confident.But it all got much worse later—public fits, outbursts, arson, nudity, inappropriate language—and we realized that she was mentally ill, finally diagnosed as schizophrenic, moved on to near-constant paranoid hallucinations and a frightening death.This was all a long time ago tho. She passed more than 35 years ago.
That my dad would never speak to me. Like, at all. He would rarely eat meals with me, never asked about my day, or had any interest in what I’d been up to.But, he would pounce on the opportunity to yell at me or belittle me for any perceived failure. There were never any mistakes or accidents, only personal failures that meant I was doomed for failure forever, and that meant I was utterly worthless.It never ended as long as I lived with him, but he chilled out later after getting cancer. I intentionally rebuilt our relationship, mostly because I think he’s probably autistic, definitely was abused as a kid, and was not able to form emotions in a healthy way, and because I want that closure when he does eventually pass away.
Health insurance. Masquerades as a way for people to be able to get healthcare but really doesn’t give a damn about you or ensuring you actually get healthy. .
I thought being light headed and almost passing out and then panicking was normal for people. I had random spurts of it often, especially in middle school. My parents thought I was making it up, even after I did pass out once.Turns out it was a mixture of anxiety attacks and chronic dehydration, with the stress of school. I can’t hold water like most people can so I drink a lot every day. If I don’t then I start getting the symptoms again.
I thought that my brother coming into my room every night when i was a child was normal until my first boyfriend in middle school told me otherwise.
I remember being a kid, my sister was barely 16 and invited some of her friends of the same age. One of them was dating a 24-year-old guy. I thought it was cool but as I grew up, I realized how f****d up it was.
That your partner shouldn’t cheat on you. I grew up with my dad constantly cheating on my mom and being her therapist through it. I would go through his phone for her or listen to them fight and then be the therapist for her the next day. I never knew how bad it was until I met my friends parents who loved one another, rarely fought, and never had issues with cheating. When I spoke about the things I knew (like my parents swinging) and how my life played out, they were HORRIFIED. I still struggle with being the therapist friend and allowing myself to be treated like s**t and cheated on….
For me it was that my bed, which is just a box spring with legs, is supposed to have a mattress. I mean i do but its only an inch thick and cushions as much as your hoodie. So yeah, turns out i’ve been sleeping on a super hard spring for the past ten years. F**k you dad for cheaping out on my bed.
My mom discussing all of her life and marriage problems with me in middle school. Basically wanted me to believe my dad was up to no good and cheating. Also shared way too many details about their sex life, or the lack of one.Their parenting was just a big mess, but everything seemed fine because there was no physical abuse, they had jobs and we lived in a nice house.
When the light switch finally came on and I realized I was, in fact, raised in a cult. I would not be able to list all the things that I was raised to believe were normal lmfao.
Eating the same thing for a couple weeks in a row like rice or baked chicken.
When i was a little kid i thought it was normal during big thunderstorms to hang out with your neighbors and shop vac water out of basements. turns out there was an actual problem in a wall of the basement that took* a while to find and fix.
Lots of abusive behaviors from my parents. I knew my childhood wasn’t awesome, but didn’t realize the extent until I’d pop jokes to my friends about some of that s**t and they’d look at me like 😐😶. Then I’d get self conscious and say something like “just a joke, it wasn’t THAT bad…” It was usually worse.
I always thought my mom just really loved me a lot since I was her only child. But looking back now as an adult, I think I was a victim of covert incest.
Constantly ruminating about things. Apparently not everyone does this.
To some degree I knew that my partner drinking a whole bottle of wine plus 6 beers in a day wasn’t a normal thing when I first started dating him but the extent of the addiction and the affects of his health didn’t become fully clear to me until some time had passed .
Smoking in adolescence. Well, I’ve been a smoker for 15 years now.
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Ieva Pečiulytė
Justinas Keturka
Curiosities
