Halloweenmight be over but it seems the skeletons aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. They’re all creeping out of the closet, as people dust off their deep, dark familysecretsand share them in all their shameless glory.
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It’s not unusual for families to have secrets. And skeletons come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes it’s alittle white liethat remains hidden but other times, the secret is big enough to tear relatives apart.Accordingto PsychCentral, the secrets families are most likely to hide involve finances, serioushealthissues, death, and impending divorce.
“Filling in the missing puzzle pieces of a family’s history, current or past, is an adult responsibility and one that should not be taken lightly," reads the site. “All of us long to feel whole, to understand why we are the way we are. Secrets that fester, unspoken and misunderstood, can erode the very foundation of a family, sometimes beyond repair.”
“The meaning of ‘secret’ varies depending on the person,” said Clémence Scouten during our chat. “A family may discover they have a relative they didn’t know (i.e. a parent had an affair and there’s an unknown half sibling out there) and think it’s great and no reason for that to be a secret. Another family may feel that is a secret to be guarded at all costs. It all comes down to what you as an individual care about.”
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We were curious to know what the most common family secrets are. So we asked Scouten. “The sort of information a person might consider taboo includes: first cousins who married, second cousins who married, two brothers who married two sisters (not their own sisters! That’s pretty unusual in what I see), finding a relative had been institutionalized (mental or criminal institution), finding out about unknown relatives,” she said. But it didn’t stop there.“Discovering you were born AFTER your parents were married, discovering you have someone of another religion/race/ethnic group in your heritage, having ancestors who enslaved people, discovering a person was gay/an alcoholic/abusive/etc (not that those traits go together),” continued the expert, listing many of the stories featuredherebefore even seeing them.
We were curious to know what the most common family secrets are. So we asked Scouten. “The sort of information a person might consider taboo includes: first cousins who married, second cousins who married, two brothers who married two sisters (not their own sisters! That’s pretty unusual in what I see), finding a relative had been institutionalized (mental or criminal institution), finding out about unknown relatives,” she said. But it didn’t stop there.
“Discovering you were born AFTER your parents were married, discovering you have someone of another religion/race/ethnic group in your heritage, having ancestors who enslaved people, discovering a person was gay/an alcoholic/abusive/etc (not that those traits go together),” continued the expert, listing many of the stories featuredherebefore even seeing them.
My father came home from school one day when he was 12 years old and saw his mother being taken away in an ambulance and she passed that day. He never told us why or how. A few years ago I saw her death certificate and the cause was “self induced abortion.”.
It’s safe to say you should give it some serious thought before blurting out yourfamily secrets. If you do decide to go ahead, Scouten suggests you carefully consider the narrative. She also cautions that “you can’t ‘UN-know’ what you know.” Meaning some people might be better off not hearing or reading about the secrets you’re so ready to share.“If you have a sibling who cares about social norms, she may be very angry at you for divulging that you discovered you have [insert family secret],” explains Scouten. “You have in essence imposed information on your family member that they may not have wanted to know.“The expert also says it’s best to seek professional advice if you come from a high-profile family and ‘going public’ will impact your family’s brand or garner social media attention. “I’m a big believer in relationships. And family history is almost always a shared history, not just your own history,” Scouten told Bored Panda. “Thus, taking into account the feelings and wishes of those around you is critical to me.”
It’s safe to say you should give it some serious thought before blurting out yourfamily secrets. If you do decide to go ahead, Scouten suggests you carefully consider the narrative. She also cautions that “you can’t ‘UN-know’ what you know.” Meaning some people might be better off not hearing or reading about the secrets you’re so ready to share.
“If you have a sibling who cares about social norms, she may be very angry at you for divulging that you discovered you have [insert family secret],” explains Scouten. “You have in essence imposed information on your family member that they may not have wanted to know.”
The expert also says it’s best to seek professional advice if you come from a high-profile family and ‘going public’ will impact your family’s brand or garner social media attention. “I’m a big believer in relationships. And family history is almost always a shared history, not just your own history,” Scouten told Bored Panda. “Thus, taking into account the feelings and wishes of those around you is critical to me.”
My great grandpa was gay. His “best friend” was his lover. One day my great grandpa was supposed to be watching my mom because my grandma and great grandma were out doing something. They came home earlier than expected and found my grandpa and his “bestie” getting it on (my mom was in a separate room or something, she had no idea what was going on). All hell broke loose in my family and my great grandpa had to stop seeing his “friend”, though it’s suspected they still saw each other in secret. That unfortunately explained why my grandma is so homophobic. My mom told me this story after I came out to her. She was super supportive and not surprised at all, but she begged me not to tell my grandma.
My grandpa was a residential school survivor, I had no idea most of my childhood.
Scouten also believes it’s important to take historical context into account when dealing with family secrets.Thisstory, for example, deals with cousins getting “cozy”. And while that might give us the ick nowadays, it actually wasn’t too uncommon at a certain point in history.“The reality was that communities were much, much smaller (especially outside of cities) and cousins marrying was not uncommon,” Scouten oncewrote. Meanwhile, during our own interview, she revealed that she’s heard of many cases involving cousins tying the knot. “I have seen everything except finding an unexpected race/ethnic group,” said the expert. “Some people acknowledge it and move on, others acknowledge and make a big deal, others sugarcoat it, others ignore it altogether.”
Scouten also believes it’s important to take historical context into account when dealing with family secrets.Thisstory, for example, deals with cousins getting “cozy”. And while that might give us the ick nowadays, it actually wasn’t too uncommon at a certain point in history.
“The reality was that communities were much, much smaller (especially outside of cities) and cousins marrying was not uncommon,” Scouten oncewrote. Meanwhile, during our own interview, she revealed that she’s heard of many cases involving cousins tying the knot. “I have seen everything except finding an unexpected race/ethnic group,” said the expert. “Some people acknowledge it and move on, others acknowledge and make a big deal, others sugarcoat it, others ignore it altogether.”
When I was 26 my grandfather had a heart attack and passed away a few hours later without waking up. In all the family drama it came out that he wasn’t my blood grandfather. He adopted my mother and aunt when they were very young after he got back from Korea.It never changed how I felt about him…he was my grandfather and a few cells doesn’t change the fact that he loved me and I loved him. It’s been just as long without him as with him and I still miss him and hope to one day be half as good as him.
When I was a kid, I went to this science day camp for a few weeks. We did different things with a few teachers and volunteers, but there was one teacher’s assistant who really stuck out to me. We hit it off immediately, and had a blast together every day. During pick-up time, the teacher joked to my dad about how her TA and I acted like siblings. I remember my dad being really spacey for the rest of the day, even the week after that.Turns out, the TA and I actually ARE half-siblings, with the same father. My (our?) dad sat me down a few years later and explained that when he was 18-19, he accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant. Both of them were devout Catholics, so she carried the child to term, and abandoned her daughter afterwards. With no other options, he gave his daughter up for adoption.I haven’t seen my sister since. Part of me wants to reach out because I have that information, but I’m also a bit nervous, since we’re both adults with our own sovereign lives now. Not to mention the ~16 year age gap.
Scouten suggests asking yourself a few questions about the relative at the center of a scandal before sharing information about it. Are you judging them harshly? Why or why not? Have you done your research about the issue and do you know whether it was common back in the day? How did the relative’s actions impact family members at the time?When you do finally put pen to paper, or your fingers to the keyboard, “offer the facts without judgment; not everyone reacts the same way to the same things.” It also might be wise to speak to some family members before going public with private affairs.“I would consider the lives and feelings of the people in your family, and what kind of relationship you want to have with them,” advises Scouten. “Let’s say your grandfather beat your uncle and his kids, and your uncle and cousins are still alive. Who are you to ‘out’ your uncle if he doesn’t talk about that?”
Scouten suggests asking yourself a few questions about the relative at the center of a scandal before sharing information about it. Are you judging them harshly? Why or why not? Have you done your research about the issue and do you know whether it was common back in the day? How did the relative’s actions impact family members at the time?
When you do finally put pen to paper, or your fingers to the keyboard, “offer the facts without judgment; not everyone reacts the same way to the same things.” It also might be wise to speak to some family members before going public with private affairs.
“I would consider the lives and feelings of the people in your family, and what kind of relationship you want to have with them,” advises Scouten. “Let’s say your grandfather beat your uncle and his kids, and your uncle and cousins are still alive. Who are you to ‘out’ your uncle if he doesn’t talk about that?”
My great-grandfather drank himself to death. My grandmother was ashamed of where she lived. He was the town drunk that spent most weekends in jail. She often had to carry him inside before school because he was passed out on the lawn. They finally told me all of this when I started drinking a handle a day.
The psychologist revealed that people are more likely to share experiences involvingdruguse or job dissatisfaction than they are those to do with romantic desire or sexual behaviour. In fact, according to Slepian, those last two are “consistently the top secrets shared with no one”.
Just your standard 23andMe discovery of my real father at 49. The weirdest part is going from an “only” child to part of a giant family.
My mother had another family while I was 4 years old, my father did the exact same thing 2 years later. That’s why I was left with my grandparents, and all they told me was my parents were working abroad.
Our interview ended with Scouten sharing a quote one of her first clients shared with her. And we found it too good not to share with you… “If you don’t want to find the nuts in your family, don’t shake the tree.”
This was in rural Canada in the 1930s. My relative had a girlfriend named Dulcie and he was slow to propose. Since nobody locked their door then she let herself in while he was out one night, pulled up the shades, took her clothes off, turned the lights on, and let the neighbors see her walking around his house naked. After that he was forced to marry her.And that is why nobody in the family liked Dulcie.
My grandpa used to call womem he knew from his church and give them the “heavy breath” treatment.He and my Nan were quietly asked to leave town before the police were involved.Before I found out I did wonder why they sold their house so cheap and moved towns at 60 years old.
My grandpa sat us all down in the living room one day and let it out. We weren’t completely polish but Spanish. Only problem was he was the only one who cared anymore. Was completely disappointed.
My stepfather did not die of a heart attack; he died from a failed attempt at autoerotic asphyxiation.
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My paternal grandmothers last words to my father were “There’s a big family secret about you…” And then, she was gone. So that one is lost probably forever.
Some member of my extended family(20++ members) were executed in my parent home country for violated some laws, also we’re are to never go back there in fear of being executed as well.
Ohhh a juicy one! As I got older I heard about a cousin nearly marrying another, unknown cousin at the time. They were engaged! Apparently His Dad had stepped out quite frequently in the 60’s and the result was questioning any relationship he got into from our shared race and community. More personal to me was that my father, peach that he was, managed to sleep with my mother’s twin within a year of them being married. Apparently this came out in their 50’s so surprise everyone!A sad one I learned on a road trip in my tweens. My Mom and I were traveling, just chatting and I start asking her about my cousin who I’m named after. I have old parents, my mom was 40 when she had me. This cousin, who’s funeral I attended at the ripe old age of 5 was in his mid 20’s. Amazing musician I’m told. Had a lot of mental health worries his whole life and didn’t really seek treatment until the late 70’s. Big stigma, hush, hush you’ll be fine. Called his parents absolutely shattered one night and said the following words “I’m so tired, I have Dad’s revolver. Please talk me out of this”. They didn’t call him back until it was far too late.
I found out that my grandmother is actually my step-grandmother and my biological grandmother died a few years ago because of substance abuse.I also found out, on the other side of my family, my grandad (who I’ve always been very fond of) was an alcoholic and quite abusive.Basically found out why neither of my parents drink.
My great aunts were almost certainly an incestuous secret lesbian couple. They lived together their entire lives except for like a year when one of them got married. During that time they completely cut contact. After the divorce, they lived together until the day one of them died.They were caught doing….things together as young teenagers. We’re pretty sure that never stopped. They never showed any real interest in boys. Even when one got married for that year people thought there was nothing there between them.
- When I was 13 my dad told me that he’d had a child with his first wife, but my half-brother drowned in a swimming pool when he was 3. Only time I ever saw my dad cry.2) I have an uncle who retired and dropped out of most contact with the family about 25 years ago. When I was in my 20s, my mom told me she keeps one eye open with my uncle (my dad’s older brother) and that she knows something having to do with him and my little brother that if my dad knew about it, he would get on a plane, fly halfway across the country, and murder him on the spot. She passed away before I could ask her more about that, but the implication has haunted me for years.
The first secret was that I had a cousin who was adopted out. A few years after that, while drunk, my aunt confided in me the reason she’d adopted out her daughter and swore me to secrecy. The father of the child was her first cousin.
Dad died blowing ce, not a virus that attacked his heart.Best part was my dad’s oldest brother was just candidly talking to me about the whole day. How he misses my dad and all this and that.“We were talking about getting clean for the kids and wives and this quarter bag was the last go around but it did us in.”Oh, my pops?“Yeah, oh you don’t know? Your mom didn’t tell? She was very much into that lifestyle with your dad as well.”“No….” she never told me my dad died snorting c***e with his older brother, let alone the very last time before his demise. Also that she does that with them as well. She spared me of the details.My mother was absolutely horrified to know they told me at 15 years old. 6 years after his death. Also that she used with my dad.I didn’t know any of this and it damaged my relationship with my mom. It took a long time to work trust back from all that. Purely because of the way it floated to me. It really hurt my mom. My uncle absolutely sent her to orbit over this, with a fallout that hasn’t been repaired to this day 18 years later.Some family just never break that cycle and cause misery for others.
I didn’t realize that my mom wasn’t ever married to my father, when she had my sister and I.I knew he had another family — a wife and kids. I guess my kid mind just never thought too deep about it, and figured at some point years ago, him and my mom were officially together. But they never were. She told me over the phone, in my junior year of college.It’s so weird the way the universe works sometimes — to know that if my mom hadn’t made an immoral choice (having a years-old relationship with a married man) — and if he hadn’t made an immoral choice (to cheat on his wife) — that neither me or my sister would exist. That their two wrongs brought us to life.
My grandma was single in her 30s and sleeping with a married man. She ended up getting pregnant, and towards the end of her pregnancy met my (step)grandpa. They got married and put his name on the birth certificate, and my aunt has always believed he is her biological dad. Still to this day does (she’s 50), while literally every other person in the family knows the truth. My mom has like 10 siblings, so the shear number of people who know the truth and have managed to never tell her is quite impressive.I’ve known since I was like 8. Not sure why they trusted a child with that secret, but I never told.
That my grandparents had gotten a divorce, married other people and divorced them, then got back together and had another child, but never got remarried. I was scandalized, was told this in the early 1980’s…things were still different then.
Did not find out that my parents date of marriage was wrong until mom died (saw on death certificate). Turns out they married on one date. Were notified three days later the JP’s license had expired. They had to borrow money from my uncle to get re-married. Mom was so horrified she swore dad and my uncle to silence. This was back in the early 1950s.
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At 22 I had to do a paternity test to find out if my dad was my dad as my mother had an affair roughly the same time of my conception.
I have another sister living overseas. Only came out when she contacted me and then everyone else came out of the woodwork to let me know.Also my cousins have another sister. They were all in their 30’s before that came out.
I don’t know if “old enough” is the right phrase, but after my mother and my grandparents fell out, she told me about how my grandfather has been caught stealing things from shops and how he’s had affairs.This is part of a general trend where, when she’s trying to turn you against someone over one particular issue, she’ll let you know about other bad things about the person that aren’t strictly relevant. Feels quite manipulative tbh.
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