We want to provide what’s best for our children, but they also need space to learn and grow on their own without mom or dadhovering over their every move like a helicopter.
From being forced to devote all their free time to extracurriculars to tracking their location at all times, continue scrolling to read what they had to experience, and don’t miss the chat we had with our parenting expertVicki Broadbent.
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They tried to ground me after I came back from serving in the Marine Corps. Tried to take the keys to the car I own and prevent me from getting an education.Told my Mom she can pound dirt and my Dad that if he didn’t fix himself and nut up to my overbearing Mom. I’d never talk to the two of them again. Got in my car and drove off was homeless for a minute until I got enough for an apartment.You’d think that me moving out and being homeless instead of living with them would be the thing that made things click.No. About a year after my move out. I’d reconnected with my family and agreed to take my mom to her aerobics class one day since her car was in the shop.Well I drive about ten minutes before she lays into me about my life choices etc. I pulled the car over looked at her and said. “Get out” she looked stunned. I just repeated myself and added “Now.“She got out. I drove off to my apartment played some CSGO and she got her much needed exercise.
“On average, children begin to reason around the age of 5-7, and they tend to become more complex thinkers during adolescence,” she tells Bored Panda. “Treat each child individually based on their personality. But understand they are not adults, so they won’t think as you do.”
To strike a balance between providing your children with guidance and allowing them space to experience life on their own, you have to “manage your own expectations of your child and what is age-appropriate when it comes to giving them greater independence. My eldest son, for example, would walk to and from school earlier than my second son, as each one differed in maturity. Giving your children greater independence as they grow is an important right of passage, as long as it doesn’t put them in danger,” the mother shares.
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Still live with parents. i avoid their invasive questions but am pretty honest about every thing i do choose to share with them. my siblings and i are whole adults so they try to be less insane these days.funny (i guess) story though - the other day my sister and i were watching pulp fiction and my dad waltzed in our room, stared at the tv for a second and goes, “that movie is for grownups"my sister said, “i’m 25”.
“Judging what is right for one child is more of an art form than a science,” Vicki Broadbent adds. “Start slowly.““When it came to my younger son, he started taking shorter walks with his older brother at first, until he proved I could trust him to walk for longer with his friends and even solo.““I follow the Montessori Method when it comes to raising my children, which supports them to make their own choices, learn and develop at their own pace. This fosters independence, self-worth and confidence. Starting from an early age, it involves the child in the adult’s life, encouraging them to help with chores and make decisions but in a safe way,” she explains.
“Judging what is right for one child is more of an art form than a science,” Vicki Broadbent adds. “Start slowly.”
“When it came to my younger son, he started taking shorter walks with his older brother at first, until he proved I could trust him to walk for longer with his friends and even solo.”
“I follow the Montessori Method when it comes to raising my children, which supports them to make their own choices, learn and develop at their own pace. This fosters independence, self-worth and confidence. Starting from an early age, it involves the child in the adult’s life, encouraging them to help with chores and make decisions but in a safe way,” she explains.
I started standing up for myself and telling them off but I also struggle with being self-sufficient, especially with ADHD, so it’s a vicious cycle. Especially when I can’t afford to move out.Standing up for things they don’t agree with is pretty useless. I got yelled at for politely requiring consent every time my mom logs into my university (!!!!) student email/account to “help me manage my stuff”, plus she doesn’t even do it when she grudgingly agreed after she was done being offended. I remember her announcing to me over dinner she had gone in my account and enrolled me in a class for my bachelor’s without asking me first while I was away at school. As an adult this makes me very uncomfortable.Edit: f**k it you guys are right I’m changing my password live. I will get yelled at soooooooooooo bad but worth it.
Children who cannot regulate their emotions and behavior effectively are more likely to act out in the classroom, to have a harder time making friends and to struggle in school,saysNicole B. Perry, PhD, from the University of Minnesota, and lead author of the study.
When I was a child my mother went to “drop me off” at a sleepover, she ended up sleeping on their couch, then waking us all up at 4 AM and demanded that I leave with her, because “her accommodations weren’t up to standard"I ended up joining the navy.
I’m 7 months pregnant and my mom had effectively bubble wrapped me as a child and stunted my social skills quite harshly growing up. My mom keeps trying to insert herself into my doctor’s appointments and barge into my house when my nursery furniture arrived (though she paid for it). My husband and I simply avoid telling her things and firmly try to explain to her that she can’t throw a tantrum when she doesn’t get her way and if she keeps at it she will be ejected from our life.
Perry and her team followed the same 422 kids over the course of eight years and assessed them at ages 2, 5 and 10. The children in the study were predominantly white and African American and from economically diverse backgrounds. Data were collected from observations of parent-child interactions, teacher-reported responses and self-reports from the 10-year-olds.Children need parents who are sensitive to their needs, who recognize when they are capable of managing a situation and who will guide them when situations become too challenging.Managing your emotions and behavior are fundamental skills that we simply need to learn, and according to Perry, overcontrolling parenting limits those opportunities. Sadly, as we can see from the submissions, not everyone gets it (or is self-aware enough to realize that they don’t).
Perry and her team followed the same 422 kids over the course of eight years and assessed them at ages 2, 5 and 10. The children in the study were predominantly white and African American and from economically diverse backgrounds. Data were collected from observations of parent-child interactions, teacher-reported responses and self-reports from the 10-year-olds.
Children need parents who are sensitive to their needs, who recognize when they are capable of managing a situation and who will guide them when situations become too challenging.
Managing your emotions and behavior are fundamental skills that we simply need to learn, and according to Perry, overcontrolling parenting limits those opportunities. Sadly, as we can see from the submissions, not everyone gets it (or is self-aware enough to realize that they don’t).
My husband deals with this with his mother. We make decisions as a married couple then later every thing changes after they talk to each other. Even situations dealing with our daughter, like I have no say even when he and I were on the same page before decisions were put into action. He is so desperate to please his mom he turns his back on me. When I confront him he blames me for causing drama or being petty. IDK his mom acts like she is his wife and he lets it happen. It grosses me out.
Vicki Broadbent believes that if you want to keep yourself in check and not become too controlling, empathy is key. “Remember how you felt yourself as a child, tween, or teen and the struggles you might have faced with your own parents or carers and how you might differ in your approach as a parent,” she suggests.“Open discussion is also vital. I would explain to my son why I didn’t feel he was ready to walk to school, so he understood my thought process. That gave him the chance to ask me to trust him, and together we created a plan of ‘small steps’ where we built towards the goal of him walking to and from school with his friends.”
Vicki Broadbent believes that if you want to keep yourself in check and not become too controlling, empathy is key. “Remember how you felt yourself as a child, tween, or teen and the struggles you might have faced with your own parents or carers and how you might differ in your approach as a parent,” she suggests.
“Open discussion is also vital. I would explain to my son why I didn’t feel he was ready to walk to school, so he understood my thought process. That gave him the chance to ask me to trust him, and together we created a plan of ‘small steps’ where we built towards the goal of him walking to and from school with his friends.”
I stick to food and the weather. I never share my life details because I know they’ll criticise me and put the blame on me or tell me what to do even though they have no experience in whatever I’m going through. My mum is not my friend, she’s not someone I trust, who I would share my thoughts and feelings with because she would either tell me what I should be doing or feeling or just criticise me.My mum used to control me to the point that she stunted my social development. I wasn’t allowed to go to my friends houses, I couldn’t go to sleepovers, I could only go out with my friends during school holidays only when high school began. When I needed to use the internet or phone I would have to ask permission and justify why I needed to use it and when we were using the phone or computer she would check on us every 15 minutes or so to verify that it’s homework related or to kick us off if she thinks we’re taking too long. I was never allowed to play computer games, she also never bought us any games or magazines - said they were a waste of time and money.When I moved to another city for university I went “wild”. I’d buy trays of eggs every week and eat more than one a day because they’re my favourite food (she restricted my egg intake because she thinks they give you high cholesterol levels. I would sleepover at friends places, I’d have ice cream for breakfast, I’d stay up until 2am watching movies and playing games. I mean, my grades weren’t great but I had fun for the first time in my life during my first year at university.
My parents weren’t that bad, but they were quite over-protective. After I turned 21, I still wasn’t allowed out after dark and all that jazz. Had to let them know where I was going and who I was seeing in case I was murdered. What I did was move to another continent. I talk to them every couple of weeks over Whatsapp voice chat. They try and tell me what to do sometimes and I’m just like “ok” and don’t do it.Edit: I’m white British and moved to the US when I was 24.Edit edit: last I checked in with them, my parents had agreed that my mum is no longer allowed out into the front garden without my dad “because of all the blacks moving in”, if you want any more context on them 🙃.
I ended up having to remove my parents from my life and at first it was really hard. But seriously they’ve controlled every aspect of it. When I was a kid my internet time was limited and supervised, i was allowed like an hour a day on electronics. I wasnt allowed to play any violent video games, I really only played Mario kart. I wasnt allowed to play pokemon because it had evolution in it. I wasnt allowed to read Harry Potter because it was magic and magic is bad. They decided which college I went to when I was 18. They decided which degree I got. When I was struggling to find work they pushed me to go into a field I didnt want to, which I am now stuck in.When I was sick as well it was really rare I went to the doctor. At one point I was dying from a bad case of pneumonia and they refused to hospitalize me even though I was almost dead (quite literally.) My lungs were full of fluid and my oxygen level was running at 82%. Even on oxygen that number didnt go up.Once I moved out of my house, I started to talk to them less until last year I finally just decided to cut them off. Talking to them gave me anxiety and they always tried to steer my life a different direction, so I figured it was better to cut them off compeltely. At first it was hard but it’s gotten easier over time.
Broadbent says that children aged 8-10 tend to start wanting more independence, so you have to know that it’s normal and formative for them to start pulling away from you (to an extent) as they learn who they are and begin to prioritize friends over parents.“Films like Inside Out (one and two) are informative and reassuring when it comes to the changes children and teens experience physically and psychologically and how that will impact your relationship with them,” she says. “Being open and empathetic as a parent is imperative. It is your job to guide, teach and keep those kids safe, but being open about your thinking process involves your child and helps them in turn to become empathetic too.”
Broadbent says that children aged 8-10 tend to start wanting more independence, so you have to know that it’s normal and formative for them to start pulling away from you (to an extent) as they learn who they are and begin to prioritize friends over parents.
“Films like Inside Out (one and two) are informative and reassuring when it comes to the changes children and teens experience physically and psychologically and how that will impact your relationship with them,” she says. “Being open and empathetic as a parent is imperative. It is your job to guide, teach and keep those kids safe, but being open about your thinking process involves your child and helps them in turn to become empathetic too.”
My brother and I had no free time allowed growing up, just music and homework allowed. Age 30+, my dad has passed away now (he was never the problem) but my mom still does her best to control our lives, inserting herself into situations she doesn’t belong, and passive aggressively putting us in situations that she wants to happen. But cutting her off or telling her she’s overstepping makes us “the bad ones” in her mind, so minimal contact and details are all that’s on the menu for her from me now. 🤷♂️ My brother doesn’t get it though, giving her minute details and then getting annoyed when she thinks she can have a say in how he lives his life.
Went No Contact with my helicopter mom in May of 2018. I was 25.She sent me bi-weekly emails trying to talk to me. Texted me random things like a photo of her cat, from her phone and her husband’s phone.Her lastemailconsisted of her telling me she was going to come over to my house and if I wasn’t there, she was going to come to my work to find me. A week after that email, I packed up everything and moved 1200 miles away without telling her. She messaged a “woe is me” sob story to my SO’s mom about how “worried” she is because she “can’t find me”. Still talks to her to this day.Then on this past Saturday, she calls my job and says, “Hi Switched, this is mom.” I hung up immediately and am now seriously searching for jobs. I don’t care what it is, I need to change jobs NOW.I’d get a restraining order but she is just out of the legal requirement for stalking. A lawyer laughed at me when I asked them if I can have one.edit: A week after, not 5 days. She sent me that email on June 21st and I bounced on June 28th.
I came here from the Soviet Union when I was 7, and my parents were super over-protective and assumed the worst out of every situation, probably due to trauma from what life was like over there. I wasn’t allowed to have a sleep over at any friend’s house. Getting anyone to come over to my house basically required them to have a background check. I never got any privacy, because between my parents and grandparents, someone was home 100% of the time. I wasn’t allowed to go on longer field trips (like the school trip to DC, and an elementary school to Medieval Times). Most school trips I did go on, my mom insisted on chaperoning. I got my first taste of freedom when I got a driver’s license and a car. I could make up little white lies about where I was and driving allowed me to go wherever I wanted. When I got to college, I made sure to live on campus and not at home, despite going to a school in-state. My mom tried calling/stalking me every single day, and I just decided enough was enough. I didn’t answer the phone for 2 months, and even though my mom is still way too helicopter-ish, it has been much better since then. Back at home, since I was a kid, I wasn’t allowed to have a game console, but I was allowed to have basically unlimited use of the computer – so I spent most of my time messing with it, and being on the Internet. I became active on a bunch of web forums, learned how to code, how to use Linux, etc… since I wasn’t allowed to do much in the real world. I ended up majoring in IT, eventually getting a job in technology on a winning Presidential campaign, then at Amazon working on cloud computer, and I now travel the world for this job, so all things considered, it turned out pretty well in the end.
My parents weren’t. But a friend moved to a different state and got engaged and my friend’s mom still managed to be a helicopter parent. Visiting at least 3 times a month and contacting either her or her SO constantly. It ruined the engagement because the SO finally had enough because even though my friend was annoyed with her mom as well, she couldn’t cut her mom off completely… Idk all the details but it must have been superrr annoying if someone was like “I love you, but f**k having in-laws like this.” She is now single and has moved back home. It’s unfortunate…
My parents track my location at all times now. (I’m 27) . That way they don’t call the cops if I don’t pick up within 30 min….which has happened multiple times …
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I’m not, but my ex was. (Both 21f and dating for 4 years) Her mother constantly would call and demand her daughter still pay her bills for her even though she lived 300 miles away with me. She also had to call and make complaints for her mother, order things, etc. I finally was contemplating breaking up with her. She visited her mother who told her she would pay her and buy her whatever she wanted if she broke up with me and became straight again. She did, and 3 months later was engaged and pregnant with a 40 year old man because her mother was so uncomfortable with her being gay.I really dodged a bullet there…
Honestly me and my husband are trying to figure this out. My MIL is a total helicopter parent; if one of us (me, my husband, or his brother) doesn’t respond to her messages within an hour or two, she’ll bombard the other two about where we are/if something happened to us. She freaked out on me when I didn’t respond to her after three hours (we were doing a cross-country drive) and accused me of trying to shut her out and said we’re never going to be a real family because of the “walls” I’ve built up around myself. I don’t know what to do. My husband won’t stand up to her as much as I want him to, but I can’t do this for the rest of my life. We have to establish some boundaries, but it’s not my mom, so I can’t be the one to initiate.
Sad story. I cut them off.Sorry if It’s long, it’s hard to speak about this in only a few words.My entire life, my parents would monitor me like a hawk. When I was in elementary school, every five seconds one would come in my room and “check out” everything. My mom wouldn’t let me hang out with anyone she didn’t “approve” of. (Guess what? She didn’t approve of anyone.) When I got a little older, I tried playing sports. Didn’t happen. I tried going out more. Wasn’t allowed. I had so much anger and animosity towards them for not letting me live you know? I felt like my home was a prison.It got really bad after I graduated high school. I was an amazing student and desperately wanted to go out of state. I begged my parents to let me tour a big name school ( a few states away) and for once they let me. We went, I absolutely loved it, and I received a decent scholarship to go there. Well, my parents didn’t want me leaving, so they applied me to the local community college without my knowing.I snapped.I told my parents everything I felt. I told them how I felt like I was in prison, and they had been suffocating me since I was young. I never got to do anything because of them, and frankly, I hated them. My parents where in shock, but the damage was done.My dad got very angry, calling me ungrateful, and other mean things. My mother sided with him, but to me it was just noise. I truly was done.The next 3 years I didn’t speak to either of them, ever. When I would come home from school or work, I would go right into my room and lock the door. I would work double shifts and take as many classes as possible to avoid being home. My parents would sometimes try to talk to me but I was not having it. I received my Associates Degree and transferred to a school of mychoice with my own money. I didn’t tell them a thing until the day classes started. They didn’t like the school I chose (of course) and tried to convince me to go somewhere else. I didn’t.Now present day, I(21M) am a senior in my last semester. I have some good job interviews lined up, and I already have my eyes on an apartment in the next state over. I talked to my parents. Told them I loved them, and then told them my plan. My dad and I have no more relationship, but my mom understands. She told me she was just trying to protect me, which I understood. But my mind is made, and I’m leaving for good.I wish things where different, I really do,.
It was a nice sense of relief to get out of the houseTo put it into perspective here’s some of the stuff that was common in my house:8:30 bedtimeNo shooting games allowed, I could only ever play Minecraft with my friendsCould not close doors other than bathroomCould not LOCK bathroom doorsCould not spend your own money without parents approval firstCould not play on computer unless they were home (obviously this rule got broken a lot)No social media at allThe one that got me the most though was until high school we could only have sleepovers at our house and could not go to most birthday partiesGetting out of the house to stay with someone else for a little was an absolute godsend. I love being independent and stoopid with my money and being able to play whatever games I want when I want.So yeah that’s kinda what it’s like.
I’m a 35 y/o female IT project manager making six figures for the last 7 years.My mother was an elementary school teacher, but mostly a stay at home mom.When my dad died, she moved close to me. I like knowing I am her go-to person, and know I can do anything she needs I don’t want to.She is forever giving me “career” advice, without having any idea what it is like in my field in this century. I keep reminding her that she has no concept of my world. I was and am deeply empathetic to teachers, but she will never understand being a new analyst, racking a data center or developing an algorithm to save a client $4M a year. She doesn’t see how hard I work mentally and emotionally to then run off to Vegas for a weekend.
I am used to report everything happening in my life over dinner… until now that I’m 26 I still feel the need to contact them in any form on a daily basis just to tell them how my life is. I never made any major life decision without their consent.I moved out and rent an apartment in the city near my job for more than five years now, but I am still heavily dependent on them (and them to me). I go back to my parents house every weekend and holidays. I also pay for all our bills, grocery, other needs. In my mind, I’m just paying up my debt to them for raising me and because I love them and I have nothing else in my life. They made my life so much easy, even if we were poor and my dad barely make minimum wage so now that I’m working I feel very much obliged to repay them for all their sacrifices.I think I would say, I am co-dependent to them in every ways. I still feel like a child. How should I fix me?
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I got married and moved halfway across the country. We didn’t talk and she didn’t even know what town we lived in for six months. I think she realized that if you treat your child like they’re stupid or incapable without you they won’t want to have a relationship anymore.My sibling’s have life so much easier now so that makes up for it a little. They have friends, they don’t have to make plans a week in advance so she can think about giving them permission, they actually have f*****g hobbies that make them happy. She’s now the kind of mom I wish I had growing up and while it does sting a little, I’m glad for them.
I had a mom who thought and thinks I should control everything my daughter does and looks like as she did me. She picked my clothing out every day. Tell me what to say word for word an make sure I learned my lines. Would not let me choice my own hair cut, had my ears pieced, told me that I wanted an had to be one of the IN kids or I would never be happy. An then she moved away didn’t get me and I found out how wrong she was. I choice to dress in nothing she would of picked, got a tattoo at 14, became a goth, joined a cult (LARP LOL) and found out being happy was about being liked for who I was not how well I could copy some IN kid. Now I talk to her often an go see her sometimes. I take her ideas with a grain of salt, an let her know it’s not who I am. I will not do that to my kid her body her choice. To which she told me ‘Well you better hope she doesn’t think that means she can be a sult then’. I just roll my eyes an tell her it’s not even a worry worth having. I much rather she knows she has the right to say NO to anyone about her body then to think I have too, to be cool.
I actually moved to a different country for mostly unrelated reasons when I was in my mid-to-late teens, and that helped to create a sense of distance in our relationship which facilitated its progression. However, there really isn’t a way to turn it off; my parent still tries to intervene in almost any situation in which they’re given the opportunity, so I just make sure that they don’t have any access to any people/phone numbers/whatever which have anything to do with any of my current or known future woes. If that’s not possible, and I don’t think that there’s another reason they’d stay quiet, then I try to avoid mentioning things at all. I’m well into my thirties now so I doubt that they’ll change at this point, to be honest. I just try and keep enough artificial distance in the relationship to minimise the number of opportunities they have to intervene in anything.
So, I’m the middle brother between two very outgoing and quite rebellious brothers.My older brother asserted his independence hard, so naturally, my parents clamped down hard on me. Because I was more reserved, that made it easier for them.No late nights. No dating. No having people over.They started to relax once I became an adult. Sure, I couldn’t have booze in the house, but all other restrictions were gone.Once I moved out, they finally treated me less as a child and more like a peer and with respect.
2/3 including myself are NC and that only because 1 is still underage. I went at 23 after years of my mom hitting me and screaming at me when I visited, my younger sister left with a police escort at 19 due to the abuse.Neither of us was allowed to go to college but I went against moms wishes and every visit home from it was her trying to break me down, telling me I was born a failure and needed her to “survive”. Then my job was never good enough, or people I dated. Even food I brought to holidays she would treat as if it was garbage. During white elephant at Christmas she stole a gift from me because I expressed that I liked it then made sure everyone saw she threw it away right after. And yes we weren’t allowed privacy as kids no visiting friends no locked doors, no phone or internet even for school because she didn’t believe we needed the internet to write papers. Regularly called names like idiot, a*****e, loser. Regularly hit or woken up at 3am to be screamed at because she was in a mood.Spoiler alert when you treat your kids like that no one will be left to even bury you.
We weren’t allowed tv on school days and they were even more bad with me to protect me from the gay. Also were “too tired” to help me get my drivers license for 6 years etc.We lost mom to cancer but dad is around.As I’ve aged I just don’t have respect for overprotective in ways that don’t matter but, say, let my older brother bully growing up and never deal with it.It was about control and what they could control.Anyway I haven’t seen most of them in almost 4 years now I think. No plans to visit again.Sometimes we don’t have a clear reason but if we suspect people are toxic they probably are and if we feel we should distance ourselves than we probably should.I live thousands of miles away now.
My mother wasn’t necessarily a helicopter parent, but she had a lot of anxiety that she projected onto me because I was the sick child. She ended up sheltering me; I wasn’t allowed outside to play, I wasn’t allowed to listen to certain music/watch certain shows + movies/play certain video games, I wasn’t allowed online, I wasn’t allowed to have friends, and I wasn’t allowed to do “fun” things at home most of the time. She wouldn’t even let me cook, and the one time I tried to do it without her permission, she tricked me into putting my hand on a hot burner in order to “teach me a lesson” (I was 6 years old). She eventually ended up home schooling me too (which I loved because I got bullied at school a lot), but wouldn’t let me exchange contact info with classmates or go to the social events/field trips that the program set up for students to have socialization.This continued on until I was 16, at which point I rebelled and went off the rails with sex, d***s, alcohol, and spending most of my time on the streets with the gutter punks and other street kids. Our relationship got really bad then, and she turned to shaming me, verbally abusing me, mocking me, and just being generally cruel (I deserved some of it, honestly). Buuuut I went to college, got sober, moved out and got my life somewhat together, and our relationship has gotten so much better. We’re best friends now, we enjoy having hours-long conversations, we go to lunch often, and she’s been incredibly supportive of me in my adult life.
Back when I was 18 I came downstairs to get my dinner, and get my soda. I have big hands, and my dad was being an as trying to make me take 2 trips. One for the plate of food, one for the soda. I could carry a plate in one hand, and a soda in the other. It’s not an issue.Well he wanted me to use both hands on the plate, and come back for the soda. He liked micromanaging my life like that, and I just had enough of his st.I had dealt with every minute st like that for 18 years. I took one swing, and punched him in the mouth. Knocked him to the floor, and I took my stuff upstairs the way I was going to.Since then, he stopped a large majority of his bt. He still tries to boss me around when I talk to him, but I then boss him around and he shuts up.The worst part is, I don’t want to boss him around. It’s just the only way he stops his b*t. If I could tell him to stop, and he would, I’d do that. If you tell him to stop he just keeps going.
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