Part of the reason for this might be that people often highlight the joyful and fulfilling moments with their children while glossing over the relentless challenges and sacrifices they make day in and day out. So when one Redditoraskedeveryone else on the platform to share the harsh realities of having kids, they received plenty of eye-opening replies.
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You’ll be sad and miss the child who is gone as they age. Because of how much they change and grow, for the first several years they’re basically a new person every 6 months and you’ll miss who they were. For example, my son is nearly 7 and I sometimes miss my 2 year old, who was super cute and I loved dearly, but will never ever see again.You love who they are as they grow, but there’s a palpable sadness that comes along with it, too.
Sometimes your kids grow up and develop personalities that you don’t like or that are incompatible with your own.
You might not be attached to that child right away, maybe even for a while after, AND THAT IS OKAY. It is so completely okay to not know how to sort all that right away.I had my first last year. I come from a long line of stoic women who show very little emotion even doing the most nurturing task. I was of course excited to finally be having kids, but when I paced around 41wks pregnant I felt no motherly bond. My body was doing something it was designed to do and I was along for the ride. When they layed her on my chest I reacted as they instructed me, that’s all I had.For the first month of her life I didn’t feel that connection, and with waking every hour and a half for feeding plus seeing how it was stressing my partner out (who is not a night owl, and I am not an early bird) I too went into that stoic autopilot. My brain said “child needs x, provide x”. I didn’t even know what to call her! I’d be staring at this brand new little human and saying her name sounded too formal, but not addressing her before talking felt odd. My brain was slowly learning how to categorize all this.Around week 6 (and after sleep was a bit better, waking every maybe 4 hours instead of 2?) I think that motherly instinct came around. Suddenly I could tell her different cries apart, and when I’d have conversation with her I found I’d sprinkle smiles and bounces in, it was great. I finally felt a small sparkle of mommy love. She’s 8mos now and hell on wheels with her standing and scooting everywhere, haha. Now I know all about her and love her to pieces.
That there are going to be some days you’ll wish you didn’t have children.Yes, it happens. No, you’re not a terrible parent. That s**t is hard.
The amount of time you spend standing around waiting, at parks, playgrounds, to get out the door, into the car etc etc. I totally underestimated that.
Children will (and should) say things that will hurt your feelings and ps you off. Now, that’s not to say they should be allowed to do so without any type of consequence, but this is a vital part of their growing and learning to become their own human.The hard part is that you, as the adult, have to figure out how to navigate this without taking it personally, losing your st, and turning into a tyrant. You also have to learn when and how to address it, and when and how to let it go.It’s a really tough balancing act, especially if you have a child who is neurodivergent and struggles with impulse and emotional control.
Lots of good answers here already. So I’ll try to toss out a slightly different one. I call it the “black mirror” I feel like kids learn way more from watching you exist than from you teaching them. And sometimes I will see my older son speak a certain way to his brother or me. Or do a certain thing. And it’s like watching my bad habits or faults manifest in another being. In the best of times it makes me want to be a better person. But also I am human and I have faults. And I get tired or stressed or hungry or whatever like anyone else.
Time goes so much faster. And not just because you’re watching them grow up and change but just because every task with a kid takes SO LONG.
You’re unrealistically hopeful if you think your child will turn out how you want them to.It is harder than juggling chainsaws to find a balance between being lenient enough to gain your child’s respect, but strict enough that they learn to conduct themselves appropriately, be considerate of people other than themselves, and become decent humans.You should have kids if you passionately want to, from the bottom of your heart. Not because ‘it’s what people do’. Not because your partner wants them. Not because your parents want grandchildren.
Think about how many times you use the bathroom. You probably poo once a day and pee 5 times per day.Double that number. That’s how many diapers you have to change EVERY . SINGLE . DAY for a newborn child.Babies also don’t stand still. They like to move around and wiggle. You aren’t qualified when you can put a diaper on a doll. You are qualified when you can do it on a feral bobcat.
Get a second fridge and watch your food bill soar. All your bills will soar. And right when all the bills are paid they will break something, need a hospital visit, or an event is coming up, or fate finds a way to siphon more money out of you.
That any mental health or neurodivergent issues the parent has are going to be exacerbated x 100.That you will almost constantly feel like a f**k-up, either with regards to raising the child, to effectively handling the non-kid parts of your life.
Weekends spent in your car waiting for your offspring to complete various activities.
That you go from your home to the office to relax, as opposed to the other way around.I love working from the office on Friday. It’s a work from home day for everyone, so my side is completely empty. Which, for me, is just relax in the chair, kick my feet up, and listen to some tunes without anyone bugging me.
The love is so strong you wonder how your heart can hold it and knowing you would take a bullet, run into a burning building or do anything for them but also have many moments (often in the same day) when you think your head will explode from your internal screams of “I hate being a mother!”.
There is no one single way to parent that is universally right. All children are individuals and even within the same family each requires their own approach to everything.Also for future parents prepare yourself to feel Constant doubt about every decision and action you take with your kids forever. .
If you truly care about your kids, the feeling of guilt is a daily experience.
How much they cost! I don’t have kids, but most of my friends do, and all I hear about is how they’re always broke because little Johnny did this and tiny Sarah ate a bee and that’s how they found out she’s allergic.. and I’m over here like, nah, I’ll just have a cat.
That little kids get sick often as they are building up their immunity systems especially if they go to childcare or preschool. If your child is sick you have to stay home with them and miss work.
Your own flaws show up and you need to show at least a way to fix them. And school starts at eight. So the alarm goes at 5:55 ….
Want to do something quickly? you can’t. you now have another human to care for/think about for a very long time, even after they turn 18.
There is a short person that insists on holding my hand when I use the toilet.Nobody explained the absolute lack of privacy you’ll have.
You are not their friend growing up. You are there to guide, curb and direct to make good choices on their own, have a compassionate backbone. These choices have to be age, intellectual, and emotionally appropriate. You are more experienced than your children but your perceptions of reality as a adult may be inappropriate based on their maturity. Be cautious of overburdening them with your vices or personal baggage.
Realizing that a “vacation” is now just listening to your kids fight, having to buy expensive food they won’t eat, and not sleeping for a couple of weeks a year.There are moments when you feel like they’re enjoying things and building core memories, allowing you to feel the joy of having those experiences with them.But in the end you’re just doing the same child care in a more expensive place
Being a parent is like being an NCO (Non-Commissioned Officer)Your job: Teach, mentor, and train.Your goal: Make them better than you at everything so they can be better for their turn.
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Actually believing your child when they say they’re scared. Sure, you say you‘ll believe them, but I’ve seen SO many mothers having their children come up to them, scared about something and they just say “oh it’s just your imagination” or “don’t be silly, ____ doesn’t exist”. Sure, they might be talking about say, monsters in their closets or being scared of the neighbours dog, but that doesn’t mean you should Just brush it aside. Say your child is scared of the dark, and they bring it up with you. should you brush it off as an irrational fear, or should you actually comfort and help them?
A lot of people seem to think that parenting just ends once the kid turns 18, which is not true at all.
Once you have kids, your lives are no longer your own.
You will almost certainly have a favorite child. This is normal.You at certain times will almost certainly regret having them. This is normal as well.Your children will often times seem uninterested and unthankful for you, especially before they mature into adults. This is normal as well.Depending on your situation, having children will limit your life style and likely delay your retirement.Your children will almost assuredly not be as successful, bright, or an all around good person as you would have hoped for. This is basically a certainty and does not necessarily reflect on you as a parent.
Never having privacy or solitude again for the rest of your life. Also children are in your thoughts 24/7 for the rest of your life, always there and always conscious of what they are doing. Even as adults mothers especially cannot forget anything about their children.
The boredom if you are your child’s only playmate. Yeah you can be inventive and engaged a lot of the time but there will be long periods when they want to do the same thing over and over and over again and it’s so f*****g boring.
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You will make mistakes. Theres no avoiding it. It doesn’t matter how many parenting books you read, or how many kids you raise, you will screw up. When that happens, you need to own it. You have to accept the mistake and improve, and if that mistake is big enough to cause a rift in your relationship, you need to accept that too, because trying to force a close relationship will only widen that rift.
You can only be as happy as your unhappiest child. Your well-being is intrinsically tied to your children’s.
Getting up at 6 in the morning even on weekends with very awake kids full of energy.
How absolutely exhausting and mind altering it is to no longer own your time. That is the main thing I couldn’t fully comprehend until I was in the thick of it. The process felt like dying and being reborn into a different self. And the grieving steps rang true as well. Denial, anger, acceptance, all that.Living every day to prioritize someone other than self is a LOT heavier in action than in words. Some people are more naturally inclined for it, I found out I was not, but wanted to be. So it’s been an intense growing process for me.Also, feeding them is more intense than you can imagine before having them. 3 meals, at least 2 snacks every single day. Again, in words it might not sound like much, but in action it is A LOT.
There are so many. One of the major sacrifices is freedom and independence. Gone are the days when you can just do something. Now, everything needs intricate planning. People can downplay this aspect of parenthood, but it’s very much a reality that surprisingly new parents overlook.
No one ever talks about how truly HARD the postpartum period can be for mama, even with an uncomplicated, full term delivery. Healing is a painful process. Postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression are real things. The sheer exhaustion is indescribable. Hormones suddenly change. Breastfeeding has many challenges. All of this is going on while you have this helpless little person depending on you. And, at least in my case, I was so concerned about taking care of everyone else that I had forgotten all about taking any sort of care for myself. Still trying to fix this mentality years later. You can’t pour from an empty cup. You don’t cease to exist when you become a parent. You still matter. Priorities may change, but taking care of yourself so you can take care of your family should still make the list.
You can be busy all day but have nothing to show for it.It’s incredibly difficult to get extra things done when you have kids. It can be frustrating to feel like you’re standing still, when all you’re doing is running around.
The fact that when you have a kid, you sign up for an autistic one. You sign up for a disabled one. A chronically ill one. You are not somehow devoid of flaw because you did the bare minimum in keeping the child you selfishly brought into the world alive for as long as they need you.
When you have more than one kid, you have to realize they are not the same type of person as their sibling.Each kid is going to require a different parenting style and that can be really frustrating and hard to figure out.You’re also learning how to be a parent the way you see fit. I’m growing as a person, just like my kids. And that is a hard thing to do. This is my first time existing in this reality, too. I’m trying to do my best.
You can’t make them want you in their lives. I went through an ugly divorce, and am happy to say I’ve salvaged a good relationship with my 2 oldest, but it does not appear I will with the third. Fingers crossed
It’s a 24/7 job no days off on top of your regular job and house work yard work ect and your tired af all the time and drinking makes it worse.
You will never ever have another day in your entire life where you don’t think about this new person. At first, you think/worry/stress about how to keep the little human alive. Then you think/worry/stress over how to make the little human thrive. Then you think/worry/stress how to keep another human happy, fulfilled, educated, kind, giving, healthy. And on it goes.
How loud and messy kids are. If I didn’t have dogs to eat all the random stuff my kids threw on the floor I would have just burnt my house down.If you’re a person with testicles how often your child will hit them on accident.That your child is counting on you.
Possible miscarriage. It’s a serious thing along with infertility.
You will experience emotions with such intensity. You get to watch this little being, completely helpless and reliant on you, grow into a little human. It makes the world so much smaller and bigger at the same time. You end up comparing how you were raised with how you treat your kids. You may find wounds that you didn’t know were there.
Young children don’t have much sense of logic and it can be infuriating. You’ll repeat yourself over and over until they either somewhat grasp a concept or completely ignore you anyway in favor of impulse.You will always have someone judging you no matter what you do. Especially when your child is acting out in public (which is inevitable). Even more so if your child has a disability of some kind.You can love your child, but not like certain phases or developments. You’ll have ups and downs no matter what stage and the unwarranted fear mongering (“just you wait until X age, they’re worse!") from other people just makes it worse.We are currently having a big shift in the US of what parenting looks like and having better boundaries as people. Parents are often more overwhelmed because they’re actually involved with their kids and don’t usually have much help from family, if at all. They’re also doing a lot better about keeping their kids safe from toxic family members, which is extremely taxing in itself. It’s unbelievable how often it’s the grandparents who are the ones who can’t handle basic respect or get straight up dangerous in their own self righteousness.
Being constantly grabbed, scratched in the face with little sharp a*s nails.
You find out who your friends really are.
If you are lucky enough to go see a friend on a Friday or Saturday night, you have to go home at midnight or earlier because at 6:45 AM your two year old is going to wake up and it’s go time. There’s bottles or food and coffee and breakfast and laundry and vacuuming and all the other s**t you need to do to keep the house habitable.The crazy thing is it’s worth it. You can’t wait to see them.
My coworker has 3 kids, she is constantly telling me not to have kids because they are a drain on her bank account. She also never has free time after work or on weekends.
The inflation on college tuition is bananas.Sure, there are loans and community college feeder programs, but when that kid gets into their dream school on a too small scholarship, you sell the house to make it work for them. Ugh.
That ur kids could grow up to be f****d up no matter how u raise them.That u become unhappier while raising kids.That u could actually regret having them.Everyone wants a Brian who went to USC with full scholarship and became a doctor instead of a Chuck who became a meth addict.And when ppl think about having kids, the possibility their kids could come out physically/mentally disabled, and something super negative just dont enter their minds.Which would u rather have: regretting having kids or regretting not having kids?
On a lighter note, no one ever tells you that babies fart. A lot.
Having kids is hard in a marriage/relationship. Don’t have kids with someone if you are not at a good place in your relationship. Don’t think having a kid will fix the problems. You will still have problems but you have a kid in the midst of them.You will have less time with your partner the first year or 2. That child is going to need all your attention.If you and partner break up they will still part of your life forever if you share a kid. Make sure you have it with someone you can at least get along with.
Kids are selfish. You want to sleep in, pssh, forget about it, they’re waking your as up at whatever time they feel like it. They’re 100% wide awake and ready to start some b***t. They need you for everything! Your house will never be clean again. They’re ck blockers. They’re demanding.And they’re the best thing that’ll ever happen to you.
It all comes down to self control and buddha like patience when you want to beat the s**t out of your kid (you will want to at some point).
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