You want to know your partner inside and out before tying the knot, or at least have a good idea of their values, habits, and quirks.But nobody can be certain that a surprise or two won’t pop up after saying “I do.“In a discussion onr/AskReddit, people have been sharing the things their spouses kept secret until after their marriage, and it’s starting to look like sometimes—whether for better or for worse—the real adventure begins with the vows.This post may includeaffiliate links.
You want to know your partner inside and out before tying the knot, or at least have a good idea of their values, habits, and quirks.
But nobody can be certain that a surprise or two won’t pop up after saying “I do.”
In a discussion onr/AskReddit, people have been sharing the things their spouses kept secret until after their marriage, and it’s starting to look like sometimes—whether for better or for worse—the real adventure begins with the vows.
This post may includeaffiliate links.
My spouse makes fantastic pancakes and didn’t tell me. Never once made them while we were dating. 6 years of a pancake hold outThe a few days after our wedding my spouse is standing in the kitchen, whistling and FLIPPING pancakes. I was shocked anyone could actually flip a pancake.“Morning, babe” and sets out a plate of perfect pancakes. Refused to use store brand syrup…nope we are a “maple syrup” household.Buttery and not to sweet, and fluffy, beautiful golden brown. A faint cinnamon flavor.I make a good pancakes, but this was ridiculous. I asked “why haven’t you ever made me pancakes?”“You never asked for pancakes, I make awesome pancakes. I won a pancake contest once ” was my spouses response.The only way I forgave this secret is pancakes on the weekends. Watch who you marry.An: This story is in jest for those that don’t get it. We were long distance for 6 years because of their military deployments and my education. We now have an inside joke where I stand up and yell “pancake liar” and point dramatically. It’s been 12 years of perfect pancakes on the weekends for me.
It can be challenging to understand whether a person is ready to be vulnerable with us, especially if they’re sending mixed signals.So, we askedDr. Jennifer Litner, a sexologist and founder ofEmbrace Sexual Wellness—a Chicago-based center for sex therapy and education that accepts clients for both in-person and telehealth appointments—what to watch for.“Some signs someone may not be ready to open up include avoiding conversations about the future, acting elusive or dodging questions about sharing how they feel, consistently being unavailable or non-responsive, keeping conversations very surface level, and not sharing personal details,” she toldBored Panda.
It can be challenging to understand whether a person is ready to be vulnerable with us, especially if they’re sending mixed signals.
So, we askedDr. Jennifer Litner, a sexologist and founder ofEmbrace Sexual Wellness—a Chicago-based center for sex therapy and education that accepts clients for both in-person and telehealth appointments—what to watch for.
“Some signs someone may not be ready to open up include avoiding conversations about the future, acting elusive or dodging questions about sharing how they feel, consistently being unavailable or non-responsive, keeping conversations very surface level, and not sharing personal details,” she toldBored Panda.
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I fancy myself a well above average ping pong player (former tennis player) - I usually beat my friends and colleagues and I’m always up for a game. My wife has never really shown any interest in any sports or games of any kind. Several years after we were married, we found ourselves randomly at a ping pong table in a public space, and she suggested we play. She wasn’t terrible - better than that - she in fact could hold a rally, had decent form, and placed the ball.Me, as we started rallying: “WHAT. HOW?”Her: shrugs “you never asked”Honestly, her humility is pretty sexy.
That he actually hates chicken breasts. When we met we were very poor students, so buying a whole chicken to carve up was the cheapest option. He knew I like the leg, so he would eat the chicken breast without ever complaining or asking for another cut.
According to a recentstudyof 50,000 people, the most common secrets include a lie we’ve told (69 percent), romantic desire (61 percent), sex (58 percent), and finances (58 percent).Having a secret about “extra-relational thoughts” (defined as thinking about relations with another person while already in a relationship) is also quite common (50 percent), well ahead of having a secret emotional infidelity (34 percent), or a secret sexual infidelity (21 percent).
According to a recentstudyof 50,000 people, the most common secrets include a lie we’ve told (69 percent), romantic desire (61 percent), sex (58 percent), and finances (58 percent).
Having a secret about “extra-relational thoughts” (defined as thinking about relations with another person while already in a relationship) is also quite common (50 percent), well ahead of having a secret emotional infidelity (34 percent), or a secret sexual infidelity (21 percent).
That he was never in Vietnam, and he didn’t actually have PTSD. It was all an act. His ex-wife is the one who told me. I divorced his miserable a*s.
Married 20 year this year. He hates my favorite radio station. He just told me this year!My kids: Dad must really love you to listen to music he hates for 20 years!
A smallersurveyof 2,000 adults found that more than one-third of respondents have kept a secret from their live-in partners for over a year and a half, while half of the respondents said they still haven’t told their partner their secret.
According to the study, the most common secrets people have kept from their partners included details about past relationships (26%), doing something they knew their partner would be upset about (20%), and undisclosed spending habits (19%).
Me, I kept the secret. I am absolutely terrified of water slides and didn’t tell my Wife until we were on our honeymoon and I was standing at the top of a huge water slide, having a panic attack. She was so excited to go to this park that I convinced myself it would be okay. Welp. It was not.
I don’t remember how this started, but one day, years into being together, I realized I had never seen my husband clip his toenails. I asked him when he does it because I was curious - it seemed weird I had never seen him do such a mundane task. Thus began years worth of him messing with me and refusing to tell me. Not for any reason other than I really wanted to know. And it drove me CRAZY. It’s such a simple thing! Why wouldn’t he tell me? Argh!!Well. One day we had to move our heavy couch unexpectedly and I found what I called the Toenail Graveyard. He didn’t trim his toenails, he tore them off - and APPARENTLY threw them behind the couch. The look on his face…. he was mortified. I was so repulsed, I think I just walked away.Now that the jig is up, he clips his nails in the bathroom like a normal human, instead of tearing them off and hiding them around the house like some kind of demented feral beast.
For those who want to make a conscious effort to build trust in their relationship, Dr. Jennifer Litner suggested focusing on “being consistent in your communication, doing what you say you’re going to do, and continuing to make an effort to create plans and express interest in one another are some ways to build trust early on in a relationship.”
Literally the morning after our wedding, while we were still in bed having coffee, my husband came out with-‘I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a while, and..well..I really like country music!‘Like….okay 😂Nevermind the fact that we had been together for 9 years at that point, I’m not sure why it had to be a secret!
My spouse didn’t tell me how awful their singing voice was until we got married. They used to lip-sync to the radio in the car, and I thought they were just shy. It wasn’t until we were comfortably married that they finally belted out a song—and it was hilariously off-key. Now, it’s one of my favorite quirks about them, and we laugh about it all the time.
That her side of the bed somehow comes with extra pillows, extra blankets, and apparently extra space… meanwhile, I’m living on the edge, literally.
Severe untreated adhd. Found out 5 years later, when father and mother in law casually mentioned it while going through divorce proceedings.Every single day of my marriage made so much more sense after reading a few books.
That he was on an episode of Cops.
That she had no intention of ever working, even though she had six figures of student loans.Yes, obviously we talked about it before getting engaged. She had promised me she was going to work full time.
That he thought episode 2 and 3 of Star Wars were the best movies in the series. But what got me the worst was when he said the OG trilogy were bad because, I quote, “The special effects are terrible and poorly done.“If he had told me this before we were married, we would not be married now. The bastard tricked me.
We knew each other for 3 or 4 months before we got married, much of it long distance, and I knew everything about her past well before we got engaged. 13 years later there’ve been no surprises.I guess I didn’t know when we got married how devoted she would be. I wouldn’t have blamed her for leaving when I got brain damaged.
That he ate my sandwich.We worked together before getting married, and one night I brought a big ol’ sandwich and stuck it in the work fridge. I knew I would need the calories because we were pushing some heavy stuff around that came off the freight truck. So I’m working up a sweat, and it’s break time. I open up the work fridge DEVASTATED that somebody ate my sandwich. Who would eat someone else’s food? It’s never happened to me before, we were a pretty small, tight-knit staff. I asked around, and nobody knew anything of course. I finished out my shift, hungry and lethargic. Ended up marrying one of my coworkers that was with me that night. The sandwich dilemma got brought up in conversation TWO YEARS after we got married, and he casually admitted to it. I had a lot of feelings about that, still do. Lol.
He was due to inherit a really substantial sum of money. I was making budgets based on our social security and my income because I was still working. Truly jaw-dropping moment and I was gobsmacked. Took awhile to process.
After we got married, I found out my spouse secretly hated one of the recipes I’d make all the time when we were dating. They ate it with a smile every time, but once we were married, they gently admitted it wasn’t their favorite. Now, we laugh about it, and I make it only when I want a good laugh and an excuse to order takeout.
He can do a perfect Donald Duck impression.
That he’s not the sunny, up beat, happy go lucky guy he always showed me. He’s actually very cynical, defeatist, and just overall negative. It’s been a rocky 20y marriage.
That she was gay.It was a roller coaster ride of a marriage, with two separations and a reconciliation in the middle before we divorced. After she left the first time, she wanted back in only to leave again to be with a woman. On one hand, I’m glad she is living her authentic life. I wouldn’t want anything less for her. However, it wasn’t easy to realize my years with her were based on a lie. The fact that we reconciled while she took the time to figure herself out, certainly made me feel used. In hindsight, the lack of affection, intimacy, and the absence of feeling when she told me she loved me all makes sense. Before we got back together, I insisted on dating for months, a marriage contract, and marriage counselling. She promised she would never leave again, which obviously meant nothing, given the circumstances. Water under the bridge.
I can tell you what I kept secret from my husband until after we were married. I’m independently wealthy. We don’t have F**k You money, but compared to the way we were both raised, we are great. My mom couldn’t afford milk when I was growing up, my husband’s parents weren’t much better off. My husband and I are millionaires, we can afford to put our kids through college if they so choose, or whatever else they want to do, and I can’t tell you how good that feels.
That he didn’t want children. Also, his capacity for cruelty. I’m leaving as soon as I can find a more secure job.
That she didn’t actually like science fiction movies and Weird Al.
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That she was adopted…I didn’t care but obviously it meant a lot to her
That she was very very mean.
That he was an abusive cheater.
I didn’t tell my spouse until 3 weeks before the wedding that my dad had been in prison for 10 years. I was very ashamed, and thought they would think less of me.
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That he went to juvie for aggravated a*****t (he was 15ish)Now. It sounds bad, but if someone was constantly harassing me, calling me slurs and other names, then one day hawk tua’d a snot loogie into my ear canal….Needless to say the guy has permanent scarring from his face acting like a basketball on the asphalt🤷🏻♀️Don’t spit in people’s ears. Best part is my husband is the most chill dude ever 🤣
That she was a narcissistic sociopath and pretending to be normal the entire time we were dating. No wonder her family acted so weird when we were around, they weren’t expecting her to act normal.
Be prepared to be blown away: married for 5 years, got blindsided with divorce and found out 8 months into the process that my husband never forgave me for a mistake I made a year before we were married and DIDN’T SPEAK UP ABOUT IT UNTIL HE FOUND ANOTHER PERSON TO LEAVE ME FOR.Yes, I am in therapy 😅.
That she had no intention of working. It’s not that she wanted to be a stay at home mom. She just wanted the stay at home part. She never mentioned it while we dated, but within 3 days of us getting married, she was mad at me that she had to clean a dish she dirtied. She yelled at me horribly because I should either clean her dish or I should pay someone to come in and clean. She knew before we got married that I made $14/hr at the time, so I don’t know why she thought things would flip 3 days into the marriage. Both of our kids (not together. She had one and I had one) were school-age when we got married, so it’s not like she would be taking care of kids all day at the house. On her days off, I’d come home from work and she had watched tic tock for 9 hours straight. Didn’t do a thing all day.
That he was bipolar and went off his meds shortly after we married. I ended up leaving soon after our first anniversary.
His farts are deadly
His rage issues….
That he was an active alcoholic
That he is a narcissist. He changed drastically after we got married and had children.
He forgot to mention that his mother and brother are completely crazy
How backwards where he grew up really was.
She told me 15 years and two kids after we were married that she had a 6 month affair with a coworker right before I asked her to marry me.Good stuff.
That she actually wasn’t single when we met. We were both studying abroad. I had a crush on her, she had a crush on me. When she arrived to the dorm, some dude was with her and stayed for a week or so and then left. I assumed it was her boyfriend, which delayed me making a move. At some point I asked about him and she was like “oh no…he isn’t my boyfriend. He’s my ex but we’re still friends.” For like a year or so after we got together, this dude would randomly call drunk, late at night, crying about missing her and whatnot. I was like, “damn. Your ex is a pretty clingy guy.” Anyway, years later she told me that actually he was her boyfriend. She met me, fell in love and basically broke up with him over the phone so that she could be with me. Apparently he was totally heartbroken and had a hard time getting over it. Thus the phone calls.A secret I only recently confessed to her after 20+ years of marriage is that in junior high, I used to wear girl’s shoes. Not because I wanted to, but because my parents were (and still are) extraordinarily frugal and the girl’s shoes were cheaper than boys shoes at our local shoe store. Although that wasn’t a confession of something I was hiding, I just hadn’t thought of it in years until we were recently talking about finding a balance between not wanting to be too frugal with our kids but also not wanting to spoil them.
He never told me until much later how mean they were to his first wife. They always acted like she was perfect but only in retrospect. In fact they made her cry…often.
Eating disorder.
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